What the hell is going on here?

Ohohohohoho...

Let's answer your question... with another question:

Yeah?

And what's tha--

WANNA SEE ME DRINK THIS GUY?!

AHHH--!

♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

-AHHHHHHhhhhhhh-

-ughhhhhhhhhhh...

'Oh... oh God, I, I think I'm gonna *puke*!'

'You CAN'T PUKE! You're in my--'

(Throws up)

'Oh, good Lord, it's everywhere!!'

Ahhhhh...

So Piccolo... What brings you to myyy neighborhood?

I sensed a disturbance.

WELL I AM pretty disturbing!

Remember that time I drank that guy?

THAT was f*cking weird.

So I take it you're the one who exterminated this entire city then.

Oh no, no, that was another guy.

His name was, "Shit Sherlock", first name, "No".

Why...? JUST WHY?!

Well... three reasons:

First: I was asleep, for like, four years, and I am understandably hungry.

Two: There's nothing more satisfying than the rush I get from watching a person disappear.

And three - and I need you to pay attention on this one:

HEEEEEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAA!

Huh!?

Why does it feel like my Dad is fighting Mr. Piccolo?

And Vegeta is fighting Mr. Piccolo?

And Mr. Piccolo is fighting... Mr. Piccolo?

That's weird. It even feels like I'm out there.

It feels like everyone we know is fighting Mr. Piccolo.

'Cept for Yamcha.

Well duh, that's because I'm right here.

Yeah, that's gotta be it...

Ahhhh...

and threeee:

*That* is how I power the beautiful temple that is my body.

You.... You're a monster!

"Oh, I'm a monster!"

I haven't heard that one screamed at me today.

Of all peop--

PLAH!

Oh, that is just EMBARRASSING!

It's not even the right hole...

As much as it disgusts me to admit... You and I have at least one thing in common.

More than you know...

But continue.

We both get a significant power-up when we absorb someone.

Ominous!

HRGHHHHHHHHH!

I can't believe you screwed up the van...

Honestly, I don't know what you were expecting, I didn't even get my license before Dr. Gero went all "Blade Runner" on us.

Excuses...

Hey, Sixteen!

How's that tranny coming along?

I don't believe the car identifies as either male or female...

So... Whaddya think that explosion was?

Meh, who cares?

Probably just Vegeta throwing a hissy-fit or some--

Wait!

Did you mean the transmission?

Because it's fixed.

OO-AH!

'Oh, so he fused with Kami.'

'So that's a thing...'

AHHH!

'Did you just SPIN-kick him?!'

'I know, right!? I've always wanted to do that!'

'Please don't do it again...'

'MY body, MY rules!'

'DAMMIT!'

'Huh, faster than me.'

'That could be a slight pain in the ass.'

'But--'

AH! MY ASS-BUTT!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Wanna see something cool?

HYAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ahhhhhhhh.

'What is he doing?'

'That looks like your technique.'

'Well it's not!'

'He is doing the finger-thing.'

'So?! Goku does that when he telepor--'

Makankōsappō!

'Oh crap!'

'So *that's* how you pronounce it...'

RAH!

'...He's gonna kick me again, isn't he?'

Alright, I'm going to need you to do me a solid and NOT kick me anymore.

Start by telling me how you know my technique, and maybe I'll consider it...

Well, what can I say?

"Imitation is the greatest form of flattery."

Speaking of which...

Kaaaaaaaa....

'No! That's impossible!'

'The only one who knows that technique is Goku!'

Meeeee....

'And Gohan...'

Meeeee....

'Aaaand Master Roshi...'

Haaaaaa....

'Aaand Krillin...'

MEEEEE....

'Aaand Yamcha...'

MEEEEE....

'And me that one time I tried to just to see if I coul--'

HAAAAAAAAAA!

Dammit!

* A duplicate Time Machine * A monster on the loose * And now an entire city gone missing!

And we still don't know where the Androids are.

I know, right?

A toootal fuster-cluck.

AH!

When did you--?

I didn't even feel you!

I affectionately refer to it as "Stealth-Mode"!

So! What're we looking at?

I have no idea!

It could be a giant Cicada monster for all we know!

Hopefully Piccolo will be able to hold his own until--

Ah!

So, is that Piccolo, or... "Piccolo" Piccolo?

'Huh, this thing's just full of surprises...'

Surpriiise!

AH!

UGH!

'Oh 'ey, he's behind you.'

Howdy, neighbor...

AHHHAHAHAHAAAA!

Ohohohoho! It must be your first time!

Because you are TIGHT!

And unfortunately for you... it's also your last.

'Uhhh, he's drinking your arm!'

'I KNOW!'

'Well, then DO SOMETHING!'

'I AM!'

AH! My beak-mouth!

*Oh, God*... you're even starting to *look* like Kami!

'Dick...'

You sure you don't want me to do the other arm?

Even you out?

'Cause that's just distracting.

Listen, I've obviously lost this fight. Without my arm, I'm finished.

'Wait, can't you *regrow* your ar--?'

'Shut up, Nail! He's doing a thing.'

Ahh, submission.

A second-favorite to futile resistance.

But before you finish me off,

Ehehehehehe.

How about you tell me EVERYTHING about you?

Ohhh, wellll....

Unless you don't have anything important to say.

No, no, it's just....

You're the first person to ask me, "Who?" or "What?"

Normally they just ask, "Why?"

Well, to start us off, then:

I'm sure by now you're more than familiar with my father... Dr. Gero!

Oh goddammit.

Oh, BUT WAIT! *There's more*!

I am purely bio-mechanical!

Unlike my brother and sister: Cyborgs 17 and 18.

We call them "Androids."

Well good for you! You're wrong.

As I was saying... our father created me with the sole purpose of becoming... Perfect.

Infused with the genetic makeup of the galaxy's strongest warriors... collected over several decades.

So that's how you know our techniques!

Ohh, but I know much more than that...

I know that in this timeline, there lies the secret to my true, perfect form.

A secret I had all but conceded lost to me.

"This" timeline?

So you're from the future.

But how?

Ohhhh.

Ahh, AHHHHH!

I found a way...

All you need to know is that I'm here now. And I will stop at nothing to achieve my perfection!

Well then, I guess I know your story.

You're welcome.

But I don't know your name.

Oh, truth is, I don't really have one.

But all things considered... I think I'll go with, "Cell".

That's kind of boring.

Coming from the guy named after a woodwind instrument.

You know what?! Doesn't matter anyway!

I'ma drink you now!

Wait!

Huh?

Before that, do YOU wanna see something cool?!

Now I know you're playing me... and I do!

Urgh!

RAH!

Oh, that is HARDCORE!

Also not good for me.

ALSO not good for me!

What the hell is that?!

And why is it giving me the most ominous sense of déjà vu?

Sorry, kids! Not telling the story again!

But I will leave you all *enlightened*!

SOLAR FLARE!

Ahahahahaha!

But that's Tien's thing!

I F*CKING KNOW!

Okay, *what the hell* am I sensing?

Is that the Namekian? Is that me?! IS THAT ME STRONGER THAN ME?! *I'LL F*CKING KILL ME*!!!