Last time on Dragon Ball Z Abridged:

Goku began his journey down Snake Way.

Wait, is that some kind of innuendo?

(Panting)

'This is going to be the longest, toughest journey I’ve ever made!'

'I have to receive King Kai’s training, and battle the biggest threat to the planet we’ve ever faced!'

'I have to run as fast as I can! I have to keep running!'

'For the sake of the Earth, humanity, and my fam--!'

(Snoring)

Ow, oh GAHHHhhhh...!

CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA CHARA HECCHARA (Cha-La Head-Cha-La)

笑顔ウルトラZで Egao urutora zetto de (With a smile that's Ultra-Z,)

今日もアイヤイヤイヤイヤイ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai (Even today goes Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi)

Sparking! (Sparking!)

...aaaaaaAAAAAA--!

Owwwww-hohh...

Ah, who do we have here? A little girly man, ja?

I'm Goku. Who are you?

I am Goz,

Und I am Mez,

Und we are here to pump... you up!

Und we are here to pump... you up!

...Okay… but I'm sorta--

First, we are going to do a hundred squats!

And then lots of push-ups on the hard ground!

Und then a bunch of Jumping Jacks!

Oooooooooh!

That... sounds like fun...?

But I’m sort of in a hurry...?

How do I get out of here?

Ach, there’s no way out of here.

Unless you manage to beat us in a test of strength and speed!

Ja! Lots of running und wrestling und sweat!

Grappling each other on the cold ground, ja!

Okay, now let’s say we went through all of that... then where would you say the exit is?

Oh, it’s right over there.

Ja, but you have to beat us first un--

Ach! He’s running avay!

Oh, before I go... Have you seen my brother Raditz around here? Spiky hair? Tail?

Ach, yes; he made a horrible mess of the blood fountain!

Looks fine to me.

IT USED TO BE WATER!

Wow...!

Well, I’m going now! By the way, thanks for the fruit!

Ach, he has a piece of the fruit, ach nein! Don’t eat the fruit, don’t eat the fruit!

Bye!

No, now we can’t make the fruit salad for King Yemma’s barbecue!

Ja, und Dabura is going to bring something totally kickass und we will have nothing und we will LOOK LIKE FOOLS!

Ach, I am so mad!

Ja, let us go work off our stress by doing squat thrusts und stretches.

Ja, und then we’ll do grappling in our speedos.

I’ll grab the oil!

Meanwhile, back on Earth...

Now that’s *got* to be some kind of innuendo!

Huh? (Whimpering)

I can’t believe Piccolo left me out here all alone!

How am I supposed to get down from here?

CLIIIIMB DOWWWN!

I can’t even get any food or water.

What should I do?

I SAID, CLIIIMB DOWWWN!

If only I had some sticks or reeds lying around.

I could make a makeshift ladder, or a rope...

UUUUURRRRRAAARRRGH!!

You have all come to train on my Lookout.

But since I am quite old, I shall leave you in the capable hands of Mr. Popo.

Mr. Popo, you know what to do.

Yes, Kami.

Alright, *maggots*, listen up! Popo’s 'bout to teach you the pecking order!

It goes you... the dirt... the worms inside of the dirt... Popo's *stool*... Kami... then Popo.

Any questions?

Um, yeah, I--

GOH-GAAAAAAAaaaaaahhh...!

Enjoy the climb back up, BITCH!

Now any more questions?

Good. Then we can begin.

Okay! No more diversions! This is really important! No more sidetra—!

Oooh, a house!

'Is that a snake?'

Ahhh--!

Ackum!

Wheeeeeee--!

AUGHA OWWWWhowww!

(Speaking)

(Speaking as Solid Snake)

Well, he’s quite the hunk of man-meat! But what’s with the hair??

'Ah, I just love this fur coat!'

'Especially since I killed all the animals for it myself!'

Huh? You don’t look like you'd be King Kai.

What, did my magnificent breasts tip you off?

Wh-what?

Nothing. Are you hungry?

Yeah! I could eat anything right now!

Ah, me too.

What?

Nothing! Take a seat!

I killed everything here with my bare hands.

Including the bear hands.

It’s a PUN!

I can’t believe you took all this down yourself!

Hurr, I want to take you down...

What?

Nothing. Get in the hot tub!

Wow, this water’s really nice!

Uh, not as nice as your ass!

Huh?

Well, thanks for the food and stuff, but I’ve got to get to King Kai's!

No! First you must pass the test of... endurance!

What's that mean?

It means I want you... inside me.

What do you mean?

You'll see...

Ahh!

Hah!

Total mis-implication!

Hah!

Ahh!

Stop chasing me!

Hurr, hah, hurr hah!

Stop grunting! It’s CREEPY!

Ahh!

Waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka

AAAAA

AAAAAH--

oo-ooh!

(Chomping)

AAAAA

Waka waka waka waka wa--

AAAAAH--!

Oh for God’s sake, now he’s just standing there, looking at the moon like a retarded puppy!

I was *trying* to teach him to fend for himself, but nooooo~!

He has to be a WEAK, DEFENSELESS, LITTLE—!

(Growling with a deepening voice)

Wait, is he getting bigger?

(Oozaru roar)

RAAAAARRRGH!

Okay, that’s new!

'Wait a second... That tail...'

'His Saiyan blood!'

'Does this mean...'

Everyone of Gohan’s race can become a giant gorilla!

ROAAAARGH!

Dammit, if he destroys everything, what'll be left for ME?!

STOP MOCKING ME!!

[Groaning]

Hah! Take that, Moon! "Perfect orbit", my *ass*! And--

Eh, huh? Where’d the monkey go?

Huh... well, he’s back to normal.

Oh *God*, what the hell is that thing?

Well, whatever it is, I don’t like looking at it.

This either.

Now... CLOTHES BEAM!

That is easily my most metro attack.

Meanwhile, back on Snake Way...

Man, that was close. Sure am glad I got away from that giant Snake lady!

(Grunting and groaning)

AAAAH...!

Princess Snake? Princess Snake? PRINCESS SNAAAAAKE!!

Yep, and once again, wanton destruction has solved all of my problems.

With absolutely no negative repercussions!

We’ve got breaking news that the Earth’s Moon has been completely destroyed.

While the long-term environmental effects can only be guessed at, preliminary speculation puts the short-term death toll from tidal effects alone at the hundreds of millions.

We now go to our resident expert on lunar science, Sailor Moon. Sailor?

OH, DEAR GOD!!

Thanks, Sailor! We now return you to Nick at Night’s 24-hour full house marathon already in progress.

Hey! Vegeta!

What?

Are we there yet?

No.

Are we there yet?

No...

Are we there yet?

Nooo.

Are we there yet?

Nooo...

Are we there yet?

No.

Are we there yet?

No.