“Episode 34”

Goku: Wow, I can't believe you guys... are all still alive.

Goku: I mean, I swore Freezer was gonna Yamcha at least one or two of you.

Goku: Speaking of which - hi Yamcha!

Yamcha: Hey...!

Goku: So, which one of you guys ex-nayed the old Freezer-fray?

Vegeta: Well, Kakarot, while you were off bumming around in space, I took charge of the situation!

Vegeta: Gathering up your planet's measly excuse for fighters... and spearheaded an assault on--

Bulma: Right over here!

Vegeta: I WAS GETTING TO THAT!

Goku: Oh, if it ain't you, you old so-and-so!

Goku: It's been so long since I... uh...

Goku: I... I mean youuu...?

Trunks: We've never met before.

Goku: Oh, thank God!

Goku: Or Kami... or King Kai...

Goku: I dunno, that whole thing is screwy.

Trunks: Actually, if it's okay with you, I'd like to talk to you in private.

Goku: Oh, okay. One minute guys!

Gohan: But Dad, it's been almost two years!

Goku: I know, but I gotta go talk to this purple stranger.

Gohan: But I--

Goku: Yeah, cool.

Trunks: 'Okay, Trunks, don't be nervous. He's just a normal guy. Just introduce yourself.'

Trunks: So, you're Sun Wukong, right?

Trunks: 'DAMN IT!'

Goku: I'm Son Goku, yes.

Trunks: 'Roll with it.' I'm Trunks. Nice to meet you.

Goku: Trunks, huh? So you're the one who whomped Freezer.

Trunks: Yes. I was actually wondering... how did he survive Namek?

Goku: Well... I kinda maybe sorta kept letting him go...

Goku: Yeah, probably a bad call.

Trunks: If I hadn't shown up, all your friends would be dead.

Goku: Hoo-boy! The Dragon wouldn't be happy about that one!

Trunks: Also, I'm curious; when you fought Freeza, you were a Super Saiyan, correct?

Goku: A super-duper Super Saiyan!

Trunks: Well... can you show me?

Goku: I barely know you, but... I guess!

Goku: Hehehehe! Still kinda tickles.

Trunks: Yep. That's a Super Saiyan alright.

Trunks: So, now that you've shown me yours, I'll show you mine!

Goku: Whoa!

Goku: What happened to your hair?! It's *yellow*!

Trunks: So is yours...

Goku: IT IS?!

♫ Cha la! Head cha la! ♫

♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫

♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai! ♫

♫ Sparkling! ♫

Bulma: Blonde spiky hair...

Gohan: Incredible aura...

Krillin: Well, Vegeta, now that Goku's here to compare, we can finally say for sure that that kid's a Super--

Vegeta: Utter one more word, and no dragon alive will be able to fix what I do to you!

Krillin: So, Tien, have you been lifting? 'Cause you are *jacked*!

Tien: Yeah, who knows? Maybe *I'll* be the next Super Saiyan.

Vegeta: (Grumbling)

Goku: So, a Super Saiyan too, huh? That's cool! Took Krillin dying for me to become one.

Goku: Wait, did something happen to Krillin while I was gone?!

Trunks: Aahh, hah...!

Goku: No, but seriously, how's Krillin?!

Trunks: It's just like my Mom said. You're absolutely amazing, Goku. Now I know that I can reveal to you my secret.

Goku: A secret?! I love secrets!

Goku: I'm awful at keeping them though. Like *the* worst!

Trunks: Uhm...

Goku: Oh, but don't worry! I'll *totally* keep this one, though!

Goku: I promise on Krillin's life.

Trunks: Uhm...!

Goku: Ah, okay, you're right. I promise on Bulma's life!

Trunks: You promise on my mother's life?

Goku: BULMA'S YOUR MOM?!

Trunks: 'DAMN IT!'

Goku: I can't believe it! I was only gone for a year and a half.

Goku: And already a Super Saiyan. Kids grow up so fast these days.

Trunks: No, wait, you don't understand--

Goku: And what? Next thing you're gonna tell me is that Vegeta's your daddy?

Trunks: Ummmmm...

Goku: Oh my Gami-Kai.

Piccolo: HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA!

Vegeta: What's so funny?!

Piccolo: Your shirt!

Vegeta: Rarrrrgh!

Goku: Man, good for them! I'm gonna go over there right now and congratulate 'em--

Trunks: I'm from the future!

Goku: ...For realsies?

Trunks: For "realsies"...

Goku: Whoah.

Trunks: Listen. Three years from now, on the 12th of May at approximately 10 AM, on an island nine miles off of South City... two creatures will appear. A pair of man-made monstrosities; half-human, half-machine... crafted by a mad scientist from the now defunct Red Ribbon Army.

Goku: (gasp) Androids?!

Trunks: Actually, the technical term is cyborgs--

Goku: Androids!

Trunks: Look, my point is, they're dangerous.

Trunks: Each of them, on their own, dwarf even Freeza with their power!

Goku: And...?

Trunks: And they kill *everyone*. As in Vegeta, Krillin, Piccolo, Tenshinhan, Chiaotzu...!

Trunks: The only ones that survive are myself, my mother, and Gohan.

Goku: Oh, wow (!)

Goku: Wait, you didn't mention Yamcha.

Trunks: Oh... uhm... I mean, he dies, but...

Trunks: See, after he found out that my mother was pregnant with Vegeta's child, he sort of...

Goku: Dark.

Goku: Wait, what about me?!

Trunks: I don't know how to tell you this, but...

Trunks: You don't make it to the battle either; you die of heart failure the year before.

Goku: What?! Why?! How?!

Trunks: High cholesterol.

Goku: From what?!

Trunks: According to the coroner, too much bacon.

Goku: You take that back.

Trunks: But listen!

Trunks: In the future, my mother has developed medication that will help level your cholesterol.

Goku: Is it grape-flavored?

Trunks: I don't know, yes?

Goku: 'Cause I don't like grape.

Trunks: Then it's bacon-flavored!

Goku: Yay...!

Trunks: Well, now that we have all that settled, I better get back to the future.

Trunks: It was... interesting to meet my Mom and Dad.

Trunks: As I said before, I really need you to keep that a secret! One little slip-up, and I suddenly may not exist.

Goku: Wait, but if you don't exist, then you don't come back in time... but then you could never tell me, which means I'd never know, you'd still be born, and--

Goku: Why does everything smell like copper?

Trunks: I tentatively leave this in your hands, Goku. Train well! Until we meet again!

Goku: Oh, okay! Goodbye Trunks!

Goku: What a nice young lady. Now, to get my story straight...

Krillin: Goku! What was *that* all about?!

Goku: You guys! Androids!

Krillin: Yeah...? And...?

Goku: Uhm...

Goku: On... Mar--

Piccolo: May.

Goku: May!

Goku: Twenty--

Piccolo: Twelfth.

Goku: May 12th!

Goku: At 10... PM--

Piccolo: AM.

Goku: AM!

Goku: Nine miles?

Piccolo: Nine miles.

Goku: Nine miles off of... North--

Piccolo: Souuuth...

Goku: South City!

Goku: Two Androids will appear on May 12th at 10 AM nine miles off of South City!

Piccolo: In three years, I heard everything.

Goku: Please don't tell everybody!

Piccolo: Oh-ho-ho, I won't!

Nail: 'I will.'

Piccolo: Shut up, Nail.

Goku: 'Kay.

Piccolo: According to the kid, we all die to these Androids in the future. We have three years to train before they arrive.

Vegeta: Well maybe they'll kill all of *you*, but I'm not afraid of any over touted washing machines.

Vegeta: By the time they show up, I'll crush them without a thought! And then we'll see--

Goku: Oh, hey Vegeta! Nice shirt!

Vegeta: I...! You--!

Goku: Pink is a good color on you!

Vegeta: 'Just take the compliment...'

Gohan: Ah!

Yamcha: Hey! There he is!

Trunks: Well, it's time for me to leave.

Trunks: I'll see you all again in three years your time. But hopefully, you won't need me.

Trunks: Father, I hope to get to know you a little better next time.

Trunks: Mother... I hope to get to know you a little less.

Vegeta: Get the hell out of here!

Goku: By the way, I can teleport.

Krillin: What?

Goku: Yup!

Goku: Check it!

Krillin: But... aren't those...?

Roshi: Goku just done stole me glasses!

Yamcha: Master Roshi's on the whole other side of the *world*!

Goku: Yup, yup! I just got to imagine him and "poof" - there I go!

Goku: I learned it out in space.

Krillin: Oh yeah, sort of forgot the obvious question there but HOW DID YOU SURVIVE?!

Goku: Mmmmm-Muffin Bu--

Gohan: Don't say Muffin Button!

Goku: But it *was*! There's science 'n' stuff!

Goku: See, while I was on Freezer's ship...

Goku: *There*!

Goku: YES!!

Goku: Yaaaaaaa--

Goku: But when the planet exploded, the muffins actually formed a seal around me; both protecting me, and feeding me...

Goku: ...all the way to Yardrat!

Gohan: And that is...?

Goku: The place where I crashed.

Goku: The Yardies were awfully nice.

Goku: They nursed me back to health, and even made a ship for me to come home in!

Goku: They also kept feeding me their sick. So now, I can teleport!

Yamcha: So, i-if you can teleport, and you knew Freeza was coming...

Yamcha: ...why didn't you teleport to Freeza's ship and stop him?!

Goku: Well, I kinda wanted to give you guys a chance!

Piccolo: *Please* don't make a habit of that.

Goku: No promises.

Tien: Looks like we'll have to put ourselves through the training of our lives if we hope to stand a chance against these Androids.

Bulma: Wait! We don't have to do any of that! Hear me out...

Bulma: We just have to gather the Dragon Balls, have the Dragon tell us where to find the guy who's making the androids, find him, then murder that son of a bitch in cold blood!

Vegeta: As much as I love the phrasing of that, I'm gonna have to say no. And by no, I mean hell no!

Bulma: Are you kidding me?! You heard Piccolo; none of you survive!

Vegeta: And I, as a Super Saiyan, *relish* the challenge!

Goku: (Gasp)...You're a Super Saiyan, Vegeta?! Show me!

Vegeta: I... well... yeah, I just... I--

Tien: Don't tell me, you're not in the mood.

Vegeta: What, does that third eye make you psychic?

Tien: No, but it does help me see bullshit.

Vegeta: Hey, y'know what...?!

Vegeta: F*ck you.

Goku: You know, to be fair, I'm with Vegeta on this one! I wanna fight me some Androids! I haven't had a good fight since Freezer!

Gohan: Wait, so, the first thing we do after you get back, after being gone for a *year and a half*... is train.

Goku: I know, I'm excited too!

Gohan: Yeah, okay...

Krillin: Welp, guess that settles that! I'm off to go fire Kamehamehas at the ocean over and over!

Tien: See you all in three years. Good to have you back, Goku.

Chiaotzu: We're gonna go get McDonald's!

Yamcha: Suppose we'll get movin' on, too! Come on, Bul--

Goku: Wait, Yamcha?

Yamcha: Yeah?

Goku: You're my friend.

Yamcha: Oh, uh... heh... thank you, man.

Goku: So~... wanna go drive cars?

Piccolo: Bitchin'!

Goku: ♫ I'm on a highway to HFIL! ♫

Goku: ♫ On a highway to HFIL! ♫

Narrator: And thus, they went their seperate ways to prepare for the upcoming threat!

Narrator: However, a few of them would find... roadblocks.

Chi-Chi: LIKE HELL YOU WILL!!

Goku: Oh, come on, Chi-Chi!

Chi-Chi: Don't you "Come on Chi-Chi" me!

Chi-Chi: You're gone off in God knows where space, refuse to let the Dragon take you home, and the first thing you ask for when you get back:

Chi-Chi: "Oh hey, Chi-Chi. Mind if I take our baby boy to go train to FIGHT SOME MONSTER ROBOTS"?!

Goku: Androids. And the first thing I asked about was dinner.

Chi-Chi: THE ANSWER IS NO!

Goku: No to dinner, or no to Gohan?

Chi-Chi: NOOOO!!

Goku: Aw, but Chi-Chi~! Don't be like that! Be a pal!

Chi-Chi: (Screaming)

Goku: Oh my gosh!

Gohan: Dad, run!

Goku: What?!

Gohan: The worst she can do is ground me, now RUN!

Narrator: Meanwhile, Vegeta found ways to innovate his training.

Dr. Brief: 500 times Earth's gravity?! That's insane! You'd be crapping out your own spine!

Vegeta: I know, the challenge excites me.

Vegeta: Look at my nipples. LOOK AT THEM!

Dr. Brief: Fine, I'll build you your ship. What's the worst that could happen anyway?

Dr. Brief: Hm?

Scratch: Meow?

Vegeta: AH! MY NIPPLES!

Goku: *Wow*, he *really* needs to learn how to do--

Piccolo: Yeah, I know, still working on that. By the way, how'd you convince your wife to let him train with you?

Goku: We're on a field trip to the... Ozarks...

Goku: Please never tell her we were here.

Piccolo: What are you talking about? We're just studying.

Goku: Ohhhhhh...!

Piccolo: Ohhhhhh...!

Piccolo: Let's go drive cars again.

Goku: Yaaaay!

Bulma: Are you f*cking insane?!

Vegeta: No, but you're upside-down.

Vegeta: Now you're not.

Bulma: You know, it would be easier to count the amount of your ribs that *aren't* broken!

Vegeta: Work through the pain...!

Bulma: And exactly how are you going to work when your body collapses?

Vegeta: Please, the Prince Of All Saiyans does not colla--aaapse IRGH-ir...!

Bulma: Oh, look at that! The prince of all *two* Saiyans on the ground!

Vegeta: Three and a hal-- tch! Shut up!

Bulma: Oh no! The prince is getting all huffy!

Bulma: What are you gonna do? Try to blow up Earth again? Because I have Goku on speed dial.

Vegeta: You must be as stupid as he is if you think he knows how to work a phone!

Bulma: Don't you call me stupid!

Vegeta: Okay, then how about "bitch"?!

Bulma: Arrogant dick!

Vegeta: Spoiled sow!

Bulma: F*ck you!

Vegeta: F*ck you!

Bulma: F*ck you!

Vegeta: F*CK YOU!

Bulma: My room, ten minutes.

Vegeta: [Repetitive grunts]

Bulma: Oh yeah, that's it, keep going, right there, right there~, yes,

Vegeta: *Galick*... *Gun*... *FIRE*~!!!

Bulma: yes... *yes*... *YES*~!!!

Bulma: Oh...

Vegeta: Haaa...

Bulma: *wow*...

Vegeta: yup...!

Bulma: whew!

Bulma: Gotta admit... even with the broken ribs you really...

Bulma: wait...

Vegeta: What?

Bulma: Where's your condom?!

Vegeta: The *fuck's* a condom?!

Piccolo: ♫ Dodge, bitch! ♫

Piccolo: ♫ Get out the way ♫

Piccolo: ♫ Get out the way, bitch ♫

Piccolo: ♫ Get out the way ♫

Gohan: (Exhausted moaning)