....... I think I'll spare Betty White.

Did you know that the mitochondria is your powerhouse?

Pretty sure I just manslaughtered Spider-Man.

Jesus, really?

Gonna drive THAT golden oldie at the start?

Hold on, how are you—

Alive? CELL: Hold on, how are you—

Ha ha! Mutant, friend-o!

Well, "mutate" specifically, but whatever!

Lemme properly introduce myself:

I'm your deadly neighborhood Deadpool.

So you're...

So you're... so you're one of those "X-Mans"?

Ohhhh, no.

Noooo, no-no-no-no-no-no-no.

I mean... sure,

I help them out from time to time, but that's, like...

when the WORLD'S in danger.

Zero to pissed in a moment—my goodness, you have talent.

Look, this thing isn't called "Cell vs The X-Men", okay?

It ain't "Cell vs The Avengers", or "Cell vs The Defenders".

IT'S DEADPOOL.

IT'S DEADPOOL. VERSUS.

IT'S DEADPOOL. VERSUS. CELL.

IT'S DEADPOOL. VERSUS. CELL. Got it?

I took a pay cut to make that happen!

So was your shtick that you're insane, or just

"LAWL, I'M SO RANDOM!!!1! XD"

[chuckling]

My "shtick" is that I've been contracted to assassinate your thorax!

Hmm. The thought of a hired gun never crossed my mind.

Yup!

Can't quite give away the identity of my employer, buuuut...

DEADPOOL [sighing]: Guy drives a hard bargain.

Also, the pic he gave me?

[sotto voce] Looks nothing like you.

Oh, absolutely not.

Now, with introductions out of the way,

[glass shattering] DEADPOOL: Now, with introductions out of the way,

I'm gonna make you into bug sashimi with these swords!

...swords?

Buddy, I've got a boy with lavender hair who can give you a rundown on how poorly that's gonna work out for

[shnk!] Buddy, I've got a boy with lavender hair who can give you a rundown on how poorly that's gonna work out for

Buddy, I've got a boy with lavender hair who can give you a rundown on how poorly that's gonna work out for

where is my arm?

[wet sloshing] DEADPOOL: Yoohoo~! ♥

I stand corrected!

...also lopsided.

It's called adamantium, Shelley!

And it's the sliciest,

And it's the sliciest, diciest,

And it's the sliciest, diciest, mutilatiest metal ever made!

Hey, this is Deadpool with Regis and Kathie Lee!

That's the name of the swords, and my cats

who I recently had to put down...

who I recently had to put down... with these swords!

[ominous music] Also, they weren't cats but feral raccoons.

Five...

Five... four...

Five... four... three...

Five... four... three... two...

Okay! That's fair.

It's actually not adamantium, it's carbonadium!

I deserve that.

[energy blast] GAH!

[humming 'Hollaback Girl']

GOD DAMN IT!

Now listen here, you overgrown Bad Dragon toy—

[Captioner's notice: Kids, don't Google that.] Now listen here, you overgrown Bad Dragon toy—

Gonna have to clean the ring after this...

Okay, that's it!

[bamf!] I'm pretty sure I'm losing memories of my childhood now,

I'm pretty sure I'm losing memories of my childhood now,

and while I'm more than happy to part with my dear memories of Uncle Mickey and his van,

I can't risk losing the first time I touched a boob at chess camp!

Listen, DP.

Can I call you DP?

[manic giggling]

You can call me whatever you want while I'm carving you out like a goddamn tauntaun!

DP—

[snap!] CELL: DP—

Ah! My tips!

I get what you're going for here.

I kill you, you don't die, you make jokes, I kill you again, rinse and repeat.

It's not even that funny.

It's not even that funny. (SEZ YOU.)

So how 'bout you take your swords, your guns

and your "references" and—

Ohh, sorry, Shelley, but a job's a job's a job...

[as Wolverine] ...and I'm the best there is at what I do:

[normal voice] making Arthur AMVs set to Papa Roach!

But second to that is killin' dudes,

and there ain't no way you're gettin' rid of me until I've murder-lized you good—

WOLVERINE [VO]: Deadpool, come in!

We have an emergency!

[nervous chuckle]

Sorry, uh, I gotta take this. Work's calling. Give me a moment.

Wolvie, buddy! Best friend! Love of my life! Ha ha ha...

WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

[ ♪ X-Men: TAS theme song on radio ♫ ] WOLVERINE: We need you back at the mansion.

[ ♪ X-Men: TAS theme song on radio ♫ ] It's a "Code Phoenix".

DEADPOOL [over phone]: Wha—AGAIN WITH THIS?!

[sighing] It's, like, once a month with this chick! Seriously!

A-at this point, I should make a period joke... but that's below me!

[giggling over phone]

"Blow me."

WOLVERINE [annoyed]: Wade, get here...

[thunk!] WOLVERINE [annoyed]: Wade, get here...

WOLVERINE [annoyed]: Wade, get here...

or the NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, I'LL—!!!

I'm being very polite here......

I'm being very polite to let you have this conversation right now,

I'm very pissed at you......

Okay, okay, hold your Timbits™, LLLOOGAN~

I'm on my way. And try not to kill her this time, yeah?

What the fuck did you—?!?

Okay, so... I gotta go take care of some psychic bitch.

Meantime, try not to kill nobody!

I mean "anybody". Well, I mean, really...

I don't give a shit. I was just here to waste time!

Give me a call later! You can find me on Tinder...

Give me a call later! You can find me on Tinder... and Grindr.

Oh, and Yelp!

[sotto voce] I love Mexican.

¡Adios, muchachos!

[shouting] Give Goku my condolences about Superman!

...no, Betty White's had her time.

Wait, is Bea Arthur still alive?

I don't think she is.

SHINK! ONE FOR THE ROAD!

[frustrated screaming]

I HOPE YOUR SEQUEL BOMBS!

It won't.