“You Have My Erection”

Jimmy Firecracker: Folks at home... we here at ZTV *do not* condone child violence!

Jimmy Firecracker: We will, however, continue to bring it to you live in high-definition all thanks to our sponsors at HETAP: "When you're feeling sapped, bring the TAP!"

Piccolo: Goku.

Goku: Don't worry, Piccolo.

Goku: At some point, Cell's hand is going to cramp up, and then Gohan will—

Gohan: [groans in pain]

Goku: Oh God, FEET!

Goku: Gohan! Look out for low kicks!

Goku: Turtle, son!

Perfect Cell: [chuckling]

Perfect Cell: You're quite a treat to knock around, kid… durable like your father, but soft like your mother.

Perfect Cell: But if you think the only way to win is to not play, I have news for you, brat: You're playing the wrong game!

Gohan: [continues groaning in pain]

Piccolo: Gohan, DOD—!

Kami: 'You must be so proud.'

Nail: 'Your precious runt is becoming a man.'

Piccolo: 'Yeah, but… I mean, he could be dodging better.'

Jimmy Firecracker: Good gravy!

Jimmy Firecracker: This eleven-year-old child is currently fighting for his life!

Jimmy Firecracker: Methinks the Make-A-Wish Foundation has gone too far this time!

Perfect Cell: Game over, kid.

Gohan: [still groaning in pain]

Jimmy Firecracker: Dear sweet merciful *God*, I think…

Jimmy Firecracker: …HE'S DEAD!

Jimmy Firecracker: Can we show that on network television?

Jimmy Firecracker: I-I mean… we're live, so…

Ox King: Baby! Sweetheart, remember! You have another one coming!

Ox King: ♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

Ox King: ♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

Ox King: ♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

Ox King: ♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

Perfect Cell: Soooo, which one of you wants to try and describe the word "filicide" to Goku?

Perfect Cell: I'd ask Gohan, but… well, he's been "filicided".

Trunks: I'm actually not sure what it means either.

Krillin: I think it's when you murder a pony?

Piccolo: IT MEANS GOHAN IS DEAD…!

Piccolo: …AND IT'S YOUR FAULT, GOKU!

Piccolo: HE'S DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!

Goku: YO, GOHAN!

Goku: Stop hiding your power level and come on out, you goof!

Gohan: [exasperated sigh]

Perfect Cell: Oh, goody.

Gohan: C-can I say something?

Perfect Cell: I've been humoring you this entire time anyway, so why not?

Perfect Cell: But if you're looking to exchange barbs, I'd recommend cutting your teeth on something simpler first… like that embarrassment over there.

Mister Satan: Leave me out of this!

Gohan: I know why I'm here.

Gohan: I know why my Dad threw me to the biggest wolf in the woods.

Perfect Cell: Oh, trust me! I'll huff and puff and blow you down.

Krillin: HE'S ELEVEN!

Perfect Cell: I'M SIX!

Krillin: Wow(!)

Gohan: It's because whenever I get backed into a corner… I snap.

Gohan: And when I do… I hurt people.

Perfect Cell: Well, like, uh…

Perfect Cell: …w-what do you do to 'em?

Gohan: When I get angry... when I lose my mind… my power skyrockets and… everything goes red.

Gohan: The world around me just… fades away.

Gohan: And all I can see is the person I want to kill.

Gohan: Of course, I've never actually managed to beat anyone in the past, but… I think my Dad knows that… if I snap here…

Perfect Cell: Let me guess… "you'll kill me"?

Gohan: You said it, not me.

Krillin: That's Freeza's move!

Krillin: The one he killed Vegeta with!

Krillin: Remember that, Vegeta?

Vegeta: I was there.

Krillin: You should really watch out for that.

Vegeta: Didn't Freeza blow you up?!

Krillin: Whoa-ho-ho, yeah!

Vegeta: "THEN YOU SHOULD REALLY WATCH OUT FOR THAT!"

Vegeta: That's you.

Krillin: …Team Three Star?

Vegeta: No!

Yamcha: What's that? Is that a club? Can I join?!

Vegeta: NO!

Krillin: NO!

Perfect Cell: So to be clear - when you break, I die!

Perfect Cell: Is that the gist of it?

Gohan: That would be the process of events, yes.

Perfect Cell: Well, then… let's see which breaks first.

Gohan: [screaming in agony]

Goku: 'Just according to cake.'

Piccolo: In this endless pile of hay, Goku, THIS is the last straw!

Piccolo: If you don't go out there, your son— your flesh and blood will *die*!

Piccolo: No ifs, ands or buts!

Goku: But—

Piccolo: NO BUTS!!

Perfect Cell: Speaking of butts, which way do you think his organs are gonna come out?

Perfect Cell: Because I'm betting mouth, but I'm hoping…

Goku: I get what you're saying, but this is exactly what I've been planning out this whole time!

Piccolo: You?

Piccolo: What could you possibly—?

Goku: Why do you think Gohan and I went into the Time Chamber *after* Vegeta and Trunks?

Piccolo: …Ego?

Goku: Because if Gohan and I came out first, we'd've killed Cell right away.

Goku: But leaving that job to Vegeta?

Goku: Well… I mean, you saw what happened.

Piccolo: I'm… confused, because it sounds like you *knew* Vegeta would screw up.

Goku: Well, it was gonna be him or Krillin.

Piccolo: Oh my Go—

Piccolo: B-b-but how did you know he wouldn't just kill everyone after becoming perfect?!

Goku: I took care of *that* myself.

Goku: Oh, and, uh… Cell?

Goku: You're gonna die.

Goku: Cell would never pass that up… because I wouldn't.

Piccolo: Okay, but… but why Gohan?

Goku: Piccolo… I ain't gonna be around forever.

Goku: Sooner or later, death is gonna… stick, y'know?

Goku: So what then?

Goku: Someone's gotta be here when I'm not.

Goku: And when I was in the Chamber with him, I realized that… that person… is Gohan.

Perfect Cell: Listen to those bones crackling and popping… so where's the *snap*, kiddo?!

Gohan: [squeaking]

Perfect Cell: HA!

Perfect Cell: Like father, like son!

Perfect Cell: WAIT, NO!

Perfect Cell: "Like father, like Son Gohan."

Perfect Cell: …Perfect.

Gohan: It was alright, Cell…

Piccolo: Well… seems like you thought of almost everything.

Goku: I just treated it like one big fight.

Goku: …Kinda like everything in my life.

Piccolo: Unfortunately, you skipped one small detail.

Goku: Whuzzat?

Piccolo: *GOHAN DOESN'T LIKE FIGHTING, YOU MORON*!!

Goku: Whaaaat?

Goku: Noooo…

Gohan: [screaming]

Goku: I mean…

Gohan: [screaming]

Goku: I mean… right?

Gohan: [screaming]

Piccolo: Have you ever, in your life, actually asked your son what he likes?

Goku: Umm… but he went in that Chamber with me for that whole year.

Piccolo: Because he wanted to spend time with YOU - his FATHER - the man who spends half his time training, and the other half dead!

Piccolo: SOMETIMES BOTH!

Goku: I mean… does anyone else—

Trunks: Yeah, a little bit.

Krillin: I mean…

Yamcha: Yeah.

Tien: Pretty hard to dispute.

Perfect Cell: Ehn, no one's perfect!

Goku: I've made a terrible mistake.

Piccolo: "OH, I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!"

Piccolo: That's you!

Goku: Krillin, I need another Senzu bean.

Krillin: Oh-ho-ho, no way, Gosé!

Gohan: [passing out]

Goku: Krillin, I'm serious! I'm gonna use it on me this time!

Krillin: "Krillin, I'm serious! I'm gonna use it on me this time!"

Krillin: That's you.

Perfect Cell: Uh, just a quick update, everyone; These are now tournament illegal.

Perfect Cell: A'ight, thank you.

Krillin: Okay, that's my B.

Goku: It's alright, Krillin.

Goku: This is everybody's B.

Piccolo: I have done literally nothing wrong.

Tien: Yeah, join the club.

Yamcha: So there is a club.

Perfect Cell: I see now that not all roads lead to Rome.

Perfect Cell: Torture won't do the trick, so let's change up the game plan, shall we?

Perfect Cell: I'm going to drag each one of *them* down here and murder them until you finally give me what I want.

Gohan: N-no, please!

Perfect Cell: [shushing]

Perfect Cell: It's okay.

Perfect Cell: I'll save your dad for last.

Perfect Cell: Hear that, Piccolo?!

Piccolo: I mean, if you're just gonna say it—

Goku: I don't get it.

Gohan: Stay away from—!

Perfect Cell: Sit down!

Perfect Cell: This might take a while.

Android 16: ENOUGH!

Perfect Cell: SIXTEEN?!

Perfect Cell: Listen, buddy, I'm thrilled that you're finally coming around to me, but your timing is less than ideal!

Jimmy Firecracker: And the Jolly Green Ginger has got Cell in a bear hug!

Jimmy Firecracker: Everybody's gettin' love today, folks!

Krillin: Bro-bot! Be careful!

Trunks: Stop calling him that!

Krillin: Don't judge our robromance!

Piccolo: What is he doing?

Android 16: Within me is a high-yield nuclear explosive.

Android 16: I am going to self-destruct and take Cell with me.

Android 16: …Also, probably most of you.

Android 16: That is my B.

Perfect Cell: I do not consent to this!

Android 16: Your compliance isn't a factor.

Perfect Cell: You had a chunk of your head missing!

Perfect Cell: How do you remember that?!

Krillin: Wait! You don't have to do this, bro-bot!

Krillin: You still have so much to live for!

Android 16: If I do not do this, Cell will continue to kill and destroy.

Android 16: …Also, I call dibs.

Android 16: If I cannot kill Goku, nobody will kill Goku!

Perfect Cell: We can split him, Sixteen!

Perfect Cell: In half!

Perfect Cell: Together!

Krillin: Wow!

Android 16: You cannot talk your way out of this one, Cell.

Android 16: My countdown has started.

Android 16: 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… 0!

Jimmy Firecracker: What are the odds of outrunning a nuclear explosion?

Mister Satan: FIND ME A BOMB SHELTER!

Mister Satan: N-NO, A FRIDGE!

Perfect Cell: You're being really selfish right now!

Perfect Cell: I hope you know that!

Jimmy Firecracker: Larry...

Jimmy Firecracker: One more time, for old times' sake.

Larry: "Where there's smoke, there's Firecracker," sir.

Jimmy Firecracker: You're goddamn right.

Perfect Cell: Noooo...!

Everyone: [flinching]

Android 16: -1!

Android 16: -2!

Android 16: Negative—!

Android 16: A critical error has occurred.

Android 16: Where's the "kaboom"!?

Android 16: There was supposed to be a Cell-shattering "kaboom"!

Trunks: Oh, right.

Trunks: My Mom said she took out your bomb during repairs!

Android 16: WHO GAVE HER THE RIGHT?!

Perfect Cell: Well, Sixteen, not that this long embrace hasn't been heartwarming and all—

Perfect Cell: my endorphins are just going crazy right now—

Perfect Cell: but I have a child to break.

Perfect Cell: Now, if I'm correct, you were looking for a…

Perfect Cell: "kaboom"?

Android 16: If I said "no", would you still—?

Everyone: [gasping]

Krillin: NOOOO!

Everyone: [gasping]

Larry / Jimmy / Mister Satan: [screaming]

Bulma: SON OF A…!

Bulma: If I knew he was gonna go nuclear on Cell, I'd have left the stupid thing in him!

Roshi: Why'd you even take it out in the first place?

Bulma: Are you joking?!

Bulma: Imagine if he decided to blow his payload the first time he saw Goku!

Bulma: Try explaining *that* to Chi-Chi!

Bulma: "Whoops, sorry I let your husband and child get nuked, but the Hippocratic oath and all that."

Roshi: Bulma, I think you need to relax more.

Roshi: How's about a brewski?

Bulma: I'm still breast-feeding.

Roshi: Well, then, two of us are thirsty!

Baby Trunks: [coos adorably]

Roshi: You go, baby.

Baby Trunks: Mmmmilk.

Perfect Cell: Oh, Sixteen… I wanted you to be the wind beneath my wings, but all you've done is take the wind out of my sails.

Perfect Cell: Now I don't even feel like killing these fools.

Gohan: D-does that mean—?

Perfect Cell: Yes, kiddo, I'm not going to kill your daddies.

Perfect Cell: …*They are*.

Gohan: The implication being…?

Perfect Cell: [groaning suggestively]

Gohan: …Oh, my God.

Perfect Cell: [grunts of exertion]

Jimmy Firecracker: Ladies and gentlemen at home, the terrible Cell is now… doing one of two things—I'm pretty sure we can't show either on network television.

Perfect Cell: [grunting]

Piccolo: I don't understand!

Piccolo: Where's the egg?!

Perfect Cell: You did this to me!

Krillin: "Life, uh… finds a way…"

Perfect Cell: You all did this to me!

Vegeta: …to make me vomit!

Goku: Oh, this seems easy!

Goku: I don't get what Chi-Chi was complaining about!

Perfect Cell: Oh, good… alright.

Perfect Cell: Augh, fantastic!

Perfect Cell: That's gonna be doing that the rest of the day.

Perfect Cell: Goku, I've decided that your insistence on fighting your progeny would be best returned in kind.

Perfect Cell: So behold: MY CHILDREN!

Perfect Cell: Norio, Dameon, Travis, Curtis, Dale, and Jonathan.

Perfect Cell: Oh, and of course…

Perfect Cell: Vegeta Junior… Junior.

Vegeta Jr. Jr.: Veeeegeeeetaaaa…

Vegeta: It's like every nightmare I've ever had fused into one,

Vegeta: cloned itself, f***ed the clone and then made THOSE!

Piccolo: That is… terrifyingly accurate(!)

Perfect Cell: Gather 'round, children.

Perfect Cell: Daddy's set up a play date for you!

Perfect Cell: Now make sure you share your toys, don't leave Daddy's sight… and bring me the bodies.

Gohan: [gasping]

Perfect Cell: But most importantly, have fun!

Goku: Cell Juniors incoming!

Vegeta: We are NOT calling them that!

Vegeta Jr. Jr.: Vegeeeetaaaa…

Vegeta: [in stunned horror]

Vegeta Jr. Jr.: I'm fighting you.

Norio: You're too slow!

Krillin: Blue, blurry bastard!

Perfect Cell: Are they not precious, my own little family?

Perfect Cell: Now after I'm through with this worthless little planet, I'll have someone to accompany me as I trounce about the stars.

Perfect Cell: Perhaps I'll try conquering Namek… wear that hat for a little while.

Gohan: No…

Perfect Cell: Yeah, you're right. That's the Freeza talking.

Piccolo: So tell me, Goku: Where does THIS fit into your master plan?!

Goku: Well, you know what they say: "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the—"

Travis: Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am!

Gohan: P-Please!

Gohan: I take back what I said about my hidden power!

Gohan: I don't wanna fight you!

Gohan: This is my Dad's fight, not mine!

Gohan: So I'm begging you, just rein them in!

Gohan: Give my dad a Senzu bean and—

Perfect Cell: And there it is.

Gohan: Huh?

Perfect Cell: That right there… *that* is why I *despise* you.

Perfect Cell: You know what they all have in common?

Perfect Cell: The Saiyans might be fools, the humans might be weak, and the Namekian might not belong… but they're still out there fighting.

Perfect Cell: Not just for their lives, but for this *dung hill* of a world.

Krillin: [yelping in pain]

Perfect Cell: See? Even Krillin's doing his best!

Krillin: Thanks for noticing! NGH!

Krillin: I-I really try! AGH!

Gohan: KRILLIN!

Perfect Cell: But none of them, boy—NOT A ONE— shares that trait with you so vile, it drives me to retch(!)

Perfect Cell: You, Gohan… are a coward.

Gohan: No… I'm just a pacifist!

Perfect Cell: So a coward patting himself on the back.

Perfect Cell: Congratulations, pint-size, you can stand proud next to the bodies.

Yamcha: HI-YAH!

Yamcha: …Please don't break my arm.

Damien: Hmm… no.

Yamcha: [pained shrieking]

Yamcha: My baseball career!

Jimmy Firecracker: Dear viewers, it looks like Cell's gone full septo-mom, with seven sinister spawns!

Jimmy Firecracker: Mr. Satan, do you have a plan to deal with these terrifying toddlers?

Jimmy Firecracker: These chilling children?!

Jimmy Firecracker: These… prepubescent predators?!

Mister Satan: Uhh… y'see, Jimmy, those aren't actually children.

Mister Satan: They're dwarves paid to fight on his behalf!

Mister Satan: And honestly, I bet you they ain't even payin' 'em industry rates!

Mister Satan: I tell ya, Jimmy, the way little people are treated in show business… oh, it's downright criminal!

Mister Satan: I-I'm gonna go right now and look up their agents, and give 'em a piece of my—

Android 16: Excuse me.

Mister Satan: Yeep!

Android 16: Excuse me.

Android 16: I seem to be without a body.

Android 16: Would you mind lending me yours?

Larry / Mister Satan / Jimmy: [screaming]

Android 16: Why are you screaming?

Larry / Mister Satan / Jimmy: [screaming]

Jimmy Firecracker: Because you're a talking head!

Android 16: So are you.

Jimmy Firecracker: That… is cutting, sir.

Android 16: I need one of you to give me a hand.

Android 16: I must get close to Cell and the boy, so one of you will need to get me there.

Android 16: I believe that I know a way to finally put an end to this madness.

Jimmy Firecracker: Are you crazy?!

Jimmy Firecracker: What makes you think we're going anywhere *near* that war zone?!

Mister Satan: I'll do it.

Jimmy Firecracker: Mr. Satan?

Mister Satan: I have a daughter at home, Jimmy.

Mister Satan: A little girl about the age of that boy out there.

Mister Satan: And right now, I'm being told I might be able to save the world, and all I gotta do is throw this robot's head in spitting distance of that crazy killer bug-monster?

Mister Satan: Sure… that may sound crazy—

Jimmy Firecracker: No, it's definitely crazy. Larry?

Larry: I have been finding God throughout this entire experience.

Mister Satan: Well then, who better to leave it to than the World Martial Arts champ, Mr. Satan?

Mister Satan: And besides, what'd I tell you, Jimmy?

Mister Satan: …'s all a bunch o' tricks.

Android 16: They are not. You could die.

Mister Satan: Do you have a mute button or something?

Android 16: Not anymore.

Yamcha: [repeated screams]

Perfect Cell: 'Damien sure is kicking the shit out of Yamcha.'

Yamcha: [repeated screaming]

Perfect Cell: 'It's like a metaphor.'

Perfect Cell: 'Ugh, he honestly doesn't deserve this.'

Perfect Cell: 'Mm, buuuut it's still funny.'

Gohan: Hey!

Perfect Cell: Hm?

Gohan: I'm gonna… I'm gonna… r-rip off your head and… umm—

Perfect Cell: Oh, yeah? C'mon, c'mon, you can do it.

Perfect Cell: I believe in you.

Gohan: …and… and defecate…

Perfect Cell: Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Gohan: …on your… lunch?

Perfect Cell: [disappointed sigh]

Perfect Cell: Now you're just embarrassing us both.

Perfect Cell: Seriously, *how hard* is it to piss off an eleven-year-old?!

Perfect Cell: You should be a stomping mess from me taking a toy away!

Perfect Cell: Meanwhile, your friends and family are getting beaten into mulch, and all you can do is… cry??

Perfect Cell: And now he's *crying*?!

Perfect Cell: *Are you SERIOUS*?!

Perfect Cell: That's it—kids, put your toys away. We're going home.

Gohan: Wait…!

Perfect Cell: And to be clear, I mean "kill them all so I can blow up this shithole and find something better to do".

Perfect Cell: Waste of my f***ing Sunday.

Gohan: Hold on!

Gohan: I'm just one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to—!

Perfect Cell: Everything! You say to me! Is pissing me off!

Perfect Cell: You had your chance, kid!

Perfect Cell: And in the end… it didn't even matter.

Android 16: WAIT! Ow. Ow. Ow.

Perfect Cell: Hm?

Gohan: Huh?

Android 16: Thank you for your assistance…

Mister Satan: Don't name me…!

Android 16: …Mr. Satan.

Perfect Cell: Kids, when you're done with them,

Perfect Cell: draw and quarter *that* buffoon.

Mister Satan: [wailing]

Perfect Cell: As for you, I'm surprised you're still…

Perfect Cell: …well, I was going to say "kicking", but—

Android 16: Gohan.

Gohan: Huh?

Perfect Cell: Alright, fine, fine then. You talk to him, Jesus.

Gohan: Wha… what are you—?

Android 16: Grow. Up.

Gohan: …Huh?

Android 16: You act like you are the only one suffering, but I believe that Trunks has some stories for you.

Android 16: And I can assume they all end with, "And then he died, too."

Android 16: And before you start whining about your father, again—and I get it— take a moment to consider that my father made me a soulless killing machine to kill your father.

Android 16: And that doesn't even come close to the complete tragedy of fatherhood that is Vegeta.

Vegeta: You wanna come up here and say that?!

Android 16: I am a *head*.

Vegeta: Then maybe you should quit while you are!

Android 16: Cell was right.

Android 16: You think you're better than everyone else, but there you stand: the good man doing nothing.

Android 16: And while evil triumphs, and your rigid pacifism crumbles into blood-stained dust, the only victory afforded to you is that you stuck true to your guns.

Android 16: You were a coward… to your last whimper.

Android 16: Of fear and love, I fear not that I will die, but that all I have come to love: the birds, and the things that are not birds, will perish with me.

Android 16: So please… Gohan… stop holding back.

Android 16: And hey, if we do make it out of this, please pick up my head... AND BEAT YOUR FATHER TO DEATH WITH—!

Perfect Cell: I'd say he's gone to a better place, but… we both know he never had a soul.

♫ Venit aevus ille ♫

♫ O Messiah, O Messiah ♫

♫ YUDULIYA~VELE x3 ♫

Perfect Cell: Hm?

Gohan: RRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

♫ Feel it drawing nearer ♫

♫ an endless fear that takes you hold ♫

♫ Feel it getting closer ♫

♫ revealing such an evil soul ♫

Piccolo: …Gohan…

♫ I can't surrender at the turning point of destiny ♫

♫ Right now it's do or die; my life is on the line and I will not flee ♫

♫ By my power ♫

♫ Whoa-whoa, it's clear to me! ♫

♫ My spirit grows and I will face this demon ♫

♫ Whoa-whoa, with burning energy ♫

♫ The day of fate has fin'ly come ♫