“I'll F*cking Kill Me”

Piccolo: What the hell is going on here?

Imperfect Cell: Ohohohohoho...

Imperfect Cell: Let's answer your question... with another question:

Piccolo: Yeah?

Piccolo: And what's tha--

Imperfect Cell: WANNA SEE ME DRINK THIS GUY?!

Man: AHHH--!

Man: ♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

Man: ♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

Man: ♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

Man: ♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

Man: -AHHHHHHhhhhhhh-

Man: -ughhhhhhhhhhh...

Nail: 'Oh... oh God, I, I think I'm gonna *puke*!'

Piccolo: 'You CAN'T PUKE! You're in my--'

Nail: (Throws up)

Kami: 'Oh, good Lord, it's everywhere!!'

Imperfect Cell: Ahhhhh...

Imperfect Cell: So Piccolo... What brings you to myyy neighborhood?

Piccolo: I sensed a disturbance.

Imperfect Cell: WELL I AM pretty disturbing!

Imperfect Cell: Remember that time I drank that guy?

Imperfect Cell: THAT was f*cking weird.

Piccolo: So I take it you're the one who exterminated this entire city then.

Imperfect Cell: Oh no, no, that was another guy.

Imperfect Cell: His name was, "Shit Sherlock", first name, "No".

Piccolo: Why...? JUST WHY?!

Imperfect Cell: Well... three reasons:

Imperfect Cell: First: I was asleep, for like, four years, and I am understandably hungry.

Imperfect Cell: Two: There's nothing more satisfying than the rush I get from watching a person disappear.

Imperfect Cell: And three - and I need you to pay attention on this one:

Imperfect Cell: HEEEEEEEEE YAAAAAAAAAA!

Gohan: Huh!?

Gohan: Why does it feel like my Dad is fighting Mr. Piccolo?

Gohan: And Vegeta is fighting Mr. Piccolo?

Gohan: And Mr. Piccolo is fighting... Mr. Piccolo?

Krillin: That's weird. It even feels like I'm out there.

Gohan: It feels like everyone we know is fighting Mr. Piccolo.

Krillin: 'Cept for Yamcha.

Yamcha: Well duh, that's because I'm right here.

Krillin: Yeah, that's gotta be it...

Imperfect Cell: Ahhhh...

Imperfect Cell: and threeee:

Imperfect Cell: *That* is how I power the beautiful temple that is my body.

Piccolo: You.... You're a monster!

Imperfect Cell: "Oh, I'm a monster!"

Imperfect Cell: I haven't heard that one screamed at me today.

Imperfect Cell: Of all peop--

Imperfect Cell: PLAH!

Imperfect Cell: Oh, that is just EMBARRASSING!

Imperfect Cell: It's not even the right hole...

Piccolo: As much as it disgusts me to admit... You and I have at least one thing in common.

Imperfect Cell: More than you know...

Imperfect Cell: But continue.

Piccolo: We both get a significant power-up when we absorb someone.

Imperfect Cell: Ominous!

Piccolo: HRGHHHHHHHHH!

Android 18: I can't believe you screwed up the van...

Android 17: Honestly, I don't know what you were expecting, I didn't even get my license before Dr. Gero went all "Blade Runner" on us.

Android 18: Excuses...

Android 18: Hey, Sixteen!

Android 18: How's that tranny coming along?

Android 16: I don't believe the car identifies as either male or female...

Android 18: So... Whaddya think that explosion was?

Android 17: Meh, who cares?

Android 17: Probably just Vegeta throwing a hissy-fit or some--

Android 16: Wait!

Android 16: Did you mean the transmission?

Android 16: Because it's fixed.

Imperfect Cell: OO-AH!

Imperfect Cell: 'Oh, so he fused with Kami.'

Imperfect Cell: 'So that's a thing...'

Imperfect Cell: AHHH!

Kami: 'Did you just SPIN-kick him?!'

Piccolo: 'I know, right!? I've always wanted to do that!'

Nail: 'Please don't do it again...'

Piccolo: 'MY body, MY rules!'

Piccolo: 'DAMMIT!'

Imperfect Cell: 'Huh, faster than me.'

Imperfect Cell: 'That could be a slight pain in the ass.'

Imperfect Cell: 'But--'

Imperfect Cell: AH! MY ASS-BUTT!

Imperfect Cell: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Imperfect Cell: Wanna see something cool?

Imperfect Cell: HYAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Imperfect Cell: Ahhhhhhhh.

Piccolo: 'What is he doing?'

Kami: 'That looks like your technique.'

Piccolo: 'Well it's not!'

Nail: 'He is doing the finger-thing.'

Piccolo: 'So?! Goku does that when he telepor--'

Imperfect Cell: Makankōsappō!

Piccolo: 'Oh crap!'

Kami: 'So *that's* how you pronounce it...'

Piccolo: RAH!

Imperfect Cell: '...He's gonna kick me again, isn't he?'

Imperfect Cell: Alright, I'm going to need you to do me a solid and NOT kick me anymore.

Piccolo: Start by telling me how you know my technique, and maybe I'll consider it...

Imperfect Cell: Well, what can I say?

Imperfect Cell: "Imitation is the greatest form of flattery."

Imperfect Cell: Speaking of which...

Imperfect Cell: Kaaaaaaaa....

Piccolo: 'No! That's impossible!'

Piccolo: 'The only one who knows that technique is Goku!'

Imperfect Cell: Meeeee....

Piccolo: 'And Gohan...'

Imperfect Cell: Meeeee....

Piccolo: 'Aaaand Master Roshi...'

Imperfect Cell: Haaaaaa....

Piccolo: 'Aaand Krillin...'

Imperfect Cell: MEEEEE....

Piccolo: 'Aaand Yamcha...'

Imperfect Cell: MEEEEE....

Piccolo: 'And me that one time I tried to just to see if I coul--'

Imperfect Cell: HAAAAAAAAAA!

Trunks: Dammit!

Trunks: * A duplicate Time Machine * A monster on the loose * And now an entire city gone missing!

Trunks: And we still don't know where the Androids are.

Krillin: I know, right?

Krillin: A toootal fuster-cluck.

Trunks: AH!

Trunks: When did you--?

Trunks: I didn't even feel you!

Krillin: I affectionately refer to it as "Stealth-Mode"!

Krillin: So! What're we looking at?

Trunks: I have no idea!

Trunks: It could be a giant Cicada monster for all we know!

Trunks: Hopefully Piccolo will be able to hold his own until--

Trunks: Ah!

Krillin: So, is that Piccolo, or... "Piccolo" Piccolo?

Piccolo: 'Huh, this thing's just full of surprises...'

Imperfect Cell: Surpriiise!

Piccolo: AH!

Piccolo: UGH!

Nail: 'Oh 'ey, he's behind you.'

Imperfect Cell: Howdy, neighbor...

Piccolo: AHHHAHAHAHAAAA!

Imperfect Cell: Ohohohoho! It must be your first time!

Imperfect Cell: Because you are TIGHT!

Imperfect Cell: And unfortunately for you... it's also your last.

Nail: 'Uhhh, he's drinking your arm!'

Piccolo: 'I KNOW!'

Kami: 'Well, then DO SOMETHING!'

Piccolo: 'I AM!'

Imperfect Cell: AH! My beak-mouth!

Piccolo: *Oh, God*... you're even starting to *look* like Kami!

Kami: 'Dick...'

Imperfect Cell: You sure you don't want me to do the other arm?

Imperfect Cell: Even you out?

Imperfect Cell: 'Cause that's just distracting.

Piccolo: Listen, I've obviously lost this fight. Without my arm, I'm finished.

Nail: 'Wait, can't you *regrow* your ar--?'

Kami: 'Shut up, Nail! He's doing a thing.'

Imperfect Cell: Ahh, submission.

Imperfect Cell: A second-favorite to futile resistance.

Piccolo: But before you finish me off,

Imperfect Cell: Ehehehehehe.

Piccolo: How about you tell me EVERYTHING about you?

Imperfect Cell: Ohhh, wellll....

Piccolo: Unless you don't have anything important to say.

Imperfect Cell: No, no, it's just....

Imperfect Cell: You're the first person to ask me, "Who?" or "What?"

Imperfect Cell: Normally they just ask, "Why?"

Imperfect Cell: Well, to start us off, then:

Imperfect Cell: I'm sure by now you're more than familiar with my father... Dr. Gero!

Piccolo: Oh goddammit.

Imperfect Cell: Oh, BUT WAIT! *There's more*!

Imperfect Cell: I am purely bio-mechanical!

Imperfect Cell: Unlike my brother and sister: Cyborgs 17 and 18.

Piccolo: We call them "Androids."

Imperfect Cell: Well good for you! You're wrong.

Imperfect Cell: As I was saying... our father created me with the sole purpose of becoming... Perfect.

Imperfect Cell: Infused with the genetic makeup of the galaxy's strongest warriors... collected over several decades.

Piccolo: So that's how you know our techniques!

Imperfect Cell: Ohh, but I know much more than that...

Imperfect Cell: I know that in this timeline, there lies the secret to my true, perfect form.

Imperfect Cell: A secret I had all but conceded lost to me.

Piccolo: "This" timeline?

Piccolo: So you're from the future.

Piccolo: But how?

Imperfect Cell: Ohhhh.

Trunks: Ahh, AHHHHH!

Imperfect Cell: I found a way...

Imperfect Cell: All you need to know is that I'm here now. And I will stop at nothing to achieve my perfection!

Piccolo: Well then, I guess I know your story.

Imperfect Cell: You're welcome.

Piccolo: But I don't know your name.

Imperfect Cell: Oh, truth is, I don't really have one.

Imperfect Cell: But all things considered... I think I'll go with, "Cell".

Piccolo: That's kind of boring.

Imperfect Cell: Coming from the guy named after a woodwind instrument.

Imperfect Cell: You know what?! Doesn't matter anyway!

Imperfect Cell: I'ma drink you now!

Piccolo: Wait!

Imperfect Cell: Huh?

Piccolo: Before that, do YOU wanna see something cool?!

Imperfect Cell: Now I know you're playing me... and I do!

Piccolo: Urgh!

Piccolo: RAH!

Imperfect Cell: Oh, that is HARDCORE!

Imperfect Cell: Also not good for me.

Imperfect Cell: ALSO not good for me!

Krillin: What the hell is that?!

Trunks: And why is it giving me the most ominous sense of déjà vu?

Imperfect Cell: Sorry, kids! Not telling the story again!

Imperfect Cell: But I will leave you all *enlightened*!

Imperfect Cell: SOLAR FLARE!

Imperfect Cell: Ahahahahaha!

Krillin: But that's Tien's thing!

Piccolo: I F*CKING KNOW!