“The Hope of the Omniverse”

Narrator: Last time on Dragon Ball Z Abridged...

Krillin: WAH! WAH! WA--!

Freeza: Oh, out of *all* the people I've blown to bits, that one will hold a special place in my heart.

Goku: (Shakes/grunts in anger)

Freeza: Oh, what's wrong, monkey? Come on now, give me something funny.

Goku: You... killed my best friend...!

Freeza: Ha! That is pretty funny. Hilarious, actually.

Goku: RRAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHH!!

Freeza: What?!

Gohan: Dad?

Goku: HM!

Freeza: That's... that's not funny.

King Kai: I don't believe it! Goku has truly done it. He has become... the one and only Super Saiyan™!

King Kai: ...Right?

Narrator: Y...yeah...

King Kai: You hesitated there for a second.

King Kai: ...What?

Freeza: What the hell is all this about?

Freeza: What's up with your hair? What's up with your eyes?

Freeza: Answer me!

Goku: Gohan...

Goku: Take Piccolo, find Bulma, get back to the ship.

Gohan: But what about you?

Goku: If Piccolo dies, then all this was pointless! Take him, get to the ship, and get out of here!

Gohan: This is surprisingly well-thought-out for you.

Goku: Gohan, where should you be right now?

Gohan: The ship?

Goku: *The SHIP*!

Gohan: OK!

Freeza: Oh-ho, real cute. But at the very least, I do love a moving target.

Goku: Hurrh!

Freeza: Gah! What are you--... let go of me!

Goku: I'm going to *break* you...

Freeza: What?

Freeza: AAH!

Goku: ...like a Kit-Kat™ bar.

Freeza: ...*What*?

Freeza: D'AAAGH!

Freeza: '*What*?!'

Freeza: GAAAAAH!

Freeza: You... you're different!

Freeza: What happened? What the hell are *you*?

King Kai: (Gasping in disbelief)

Yamcha: King Kai! What's going on on Namek right now?

King Kai: You know you could always just grab my shoulder and watch.

Yamcha: Yeah, but, you kinda... smell...

King Kai: That's just my natural musk.

King Kai: Mmmmusk...

King Kai: Mmmmmmmusk...

Tien: Stop saying "musk".

King Kai: Stop eating my food!

Kami: King Kai, do you hear me?

King Kai: Oh, hey Kami. How's everything coming along?

Kami: Well, I've sent off Mr. Popo to collect the Dragon Balls like you asked.

King Kai: Good. The whole plan is coming together.

Yamcha: Hey, I don't think you ever told us your plan.

King Kai: I don't have to tell you everything! I don't have to tell you anything!

Tien: And that just about sums up our time spent here.

King Kai: Ha ha...

Gohan: Huh? It's the ship!

Gohan: See, Mr. Piccolo - we're halfway home!

Gohan: I mean, not literally, but... just don't bleed out, okay?

Gohan: 'God, so many buttons...!'

Gohan: 'I forgot, I don't know how to fly the ship! I could have sworn somebody did that for--'

Gohan: Oh my God, Bulma!

Bulma: Help?

Bulma: ...Somebody?

Freeza: I have to admit, this is new, monkey! This is definitely new!

Freeza: But a monkey is still a monkey, and I've killed plenty in my day.

Freeza: *Millions*. Literally, *millions*.

Freeza: What's the matter, run out of quips? Cat got your tongue?! No more words to fail?!

Freeza: You think now that you're this, so-called "Super Saiyan", that you're *better* than me, *Lord Freeza*?!

Freeza: Well, you're NOT!

Freeza: I own you! I own your planet! I own THIS planet! In fact...

Freeza: F*** THIS PLANET!!!

Goku: Wait, I zoned out there for a second. Wha--?

King Kai: No... *no*, *no*, son of a bitch! Daaarrgghh...!

Yamcha: What's wrong, King Kai?

King Kai: You dumb assholes are gonna be here forever!

Tien: Tch, yeah, real funny, King Kai.

Tien: Oh God, you're serious.

King Kai: I had this whole plan ready to go, but, as it turns out, Freeza's a sore loser, and just--

Chiaotzu: Blew himself up along with his opponent?

Chiaotzu: What? It's what I do.

King Kai: Yeah, only this time, it *worked*.

King Kai: And now Goku, Gohan, Piccolo... everyone's dead!

King Kai: And I'm stuck with you idiots for the rest of my life!

Kami: Should I call you back when you're done screaming? Or is that just not happening?

King Kai: And then there's *this* c--...

King Kai: Kami?

Kami: Yes, I wanted to inform you that Mr. Popo has acquired the sixth Dragon Ball an--

King Kai: You're alive?!

Kami: So this is what counts for omnipotence these days, hmm?

King Kai: But if you're not dead, then that means Piccolo's not dead, and Namek is still there!

Goku: D...didya miss?

Freeza: How could I miss?

Goku: I dunno, how didya?

Freeza: I know I hit the core. God, this always happens when I try and perform under stress.

Goku: Seems to me like you just couldn't go through with blowing us *both* up.

Freeza: That's not the problem, you idiot. I can breathe in space.

Goku: (Gasp)... But space is a vac-uum!

Freeza: Honestly, I'd say you only have... I don't know... five min--... is it five?

Freeza: Y-yes, five!

Freeza: Five minutes before this planet explodes, and you perish along with it.

Goku: Oh...

Goku: Well then, I'll just have to kill you in four!

Freeza: Wait, hold on! I-I'm only at half my full power.

Goku: I don't see how that's my problem...

Freeza: No, listen! If you let me power up...

Freeza: I'll give you a pizza!

Goku: You killed my best friend, Freezer. That's not gonna work anymore!

Freeza: Two pizzas!

Goku: I SAID I'M *DONE*! HAAAAA...!

Freeza: ...With stuffed crust.

King Kai: *Gokuuuu...!*

Goku: Now, hear me out, King Kai.

Goku: If I let him power up to 100%, and beat him *then*... it'll demoramalize him! And he'll never threaten anyone again!

King Kai: Goku, that is retarded!

Goku: *Stuffed crust*, King Kai! You can eat it in *reverse*!

King Kai: I-I can't even believe we're having this conversation...

Goku: Me either...

Freeza: Thanks for waiting, by the way.

Goku: Hold on one second, King Kai. What was tha--?

Goku: Huhh!

Freeza: Smash monkey!

Freeza: SMASH MONKEY!

Gohan: Bulmaaa... where are you?

Bulma: (Unearthly eldritch sounds)

Bulma: Oh, well how nice of you to finally come and get me... only you left me stranded all on my own to fend for myself!

Bulma: Planet's going to hell, I almost die, and I'M FREAKING THE F*** OUT!

Gohan: Bulma, how high would you have to fall from to hit terminal velocity?

Gohan: ...I thought so.

Goku: Huaagh!

Freeza: I just love how easy it is to get away with this s*** with you people!

Freeza: I want to transform, you just sit there and let me. I want to blow the planet up, you just sit there and let me! I want to reach 100% power...

Freeza: *and you just sit right there and let me*!

Goku: Sooo, can I get a Meat Lover's®?

Goku: OW!

King Kai: And that is my star pupil.

King Kai: I don't even know why I bother.

Kami: King Kai, are you there?

King Kai: Oh Kami, d'you have an update for me?

Kami: Apparently it's all I'm good for anymore...

Kami: I wanted to tell you that Mr. Popo has acquired the final Dragon Ball and is ready to summon the Dragon.

King Kai: Awesome, now let me talk to him.

Kami: Heh, if you insist.

King Kai: Alright, now Mr. Pop-- oaarrggh!

King Kai: How the hell do you work with this guy??

Kami: It's easier than you think...

Mr. Popo: I'm so f***ing high right now!

Shenron: I am the Eternal Dragon. Speak your wish and I sha--

Shenron: ...oh. It is you, my Master. Is it time to lay waste to this world?

Mr. Popo: Eh, not yet. Give 'em a couple hundred years. See if they can clean this up.

Shenron: Then how might I be of service, Lord Popo?

Mr. Popo: Good question. Kami, the f*** am I doing?

Kami: Good question. King Kai, the f*** is he doing?

King Kai: Ow, my head...

King Kai: OK, listen. I want you to bring back everyone Freeza and his men have killed.

Kami: Why?

King Kai: Are you questioning God?

Kami: Are *you*?

King Kai: Not in the mood, Kami!

Kami: Fine, not my problem anyway. Mr. Popo--

Mr. Popo: I heard.

Mr. Popo: Dragon, bring back all the worthless maggots that were killed by Freeza and his men, or whatever...

Shenron: As you command, so it shall be.