“Bitch, You Look Like Goku”

Narrator: Twas the week before Christmas, and upon the earth, Gohan and Krillin were searching for a tree of great worth.

Narrator: They longed for a tree, both tall and rare, and for some unknown reason, Oolong was there.

Narrator: And with eyes full of wonder, and faces all grins, this, my dear viewer, is where our story begins...

Krillin: Alright guys, sleep well. We have an early morning tomorrow to search for our perfect Christmas Tree.

Bulma: Hey, did anyone take care of that fire?

Krillin: Oolong, you got that?

Oolong: I'm watching it...

Krillin: I thought you said you were watching the fire!

Oolong: I *was*! It was beautiful!

Gohan: Poor animals! Their Christmas is ruined now!

Krillin: Yeah! And now we don't have our tree!

Gohan: I wish there was something we could do for them...

Krillin: "Wish"?

Krillin: I got it! We could use the Dragon Balls!

Krillin: We got the Dragon Balls!

Gohan: Amazing how much easier this became with time...

Shenron: I am the Eternal Dragon!

Shenron: State your--

Shenron: ...no. No way. No, not you again. Hasn't even been a year!

Oolong: Its been one year, two months and fifteen--

Shenron: Shut the hell up!

Krillin: Almighty Shenron!

Krillin: We called you forth to help us in this dire time!

Krillin: As you can see, this beautiful land full of trees and life has been burned to the ground!

Shenron: So you want me to restore life to this desolated forest?

Krillin: Hell no! I wanna Christmas Tree!

Shenron: ...You want... a tree?

Krillin: Not just any tree.

Krillin: The *perfect* Christmas Tree!

Shenron: ...Yeah... yeah, OK.

Shenron: I'll give you your tree.

Shenron: I'll give you the best damn tree you've ever seeen!

Shenron: Muhahahahahaha! Rahahahahahahahahahaa!

Krillin: Thank you!

Shenron: Oh, don't thank me.

Shenron: 'Tis the season of giving...

Slay: Turles, sir, our navigation system just changed course.

Slay: We're on route to a new planet - Earth.

Turles: Does it contain a sufficient amount of joy?

Slay: According to our sensors, yes.

Turles: Well then... Merry Christmas.

Chi-Chi: You are not allowed to go camping again, young man.

Goku: [♪ "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" ♪]

Gohan: But Mom, Oolong's the one who burned down the forest, not me!

Goku: [♪ "The Twelve Days of Christmas" ♪]

Chi-Chi: I don't care whose fault it is; you need to be responsible. Remember,

Goku: [♪ "Jingle Bells" ♪]

Chi-Chi: if you don't act like a good little boy, Santa won't bring you any presents this year.

Chi-Chi: Goku, stop that or I will deck you in the halls!

Goku: OK!

Gohan: He's just gonna bring me books again...

Chi-Chi: He brings you what you like, and what do you like!?

Gohan: I like books!

Chi-Chi: See? He brings you what you like.

Goku: Well, what am I getting for Christmas?

Chi-Chi: The same thing as last year, Goku.

Goku: Ohhh, so that thing you do with your mou--

Chi-Chi: Not in front of Gohan!

Puar: Yamcha, why did you spend all your baseball money on this car instead of buying Christmas gifts for your friends?

Yamcha: Puar, the only gift they need is the gift... of Yamcha.

Puar: ...That's a non-refundable gift, isn't it?

Yamcha: Just like this car.

Slay: It is time.

Slay: Plant... the tree.

Slay: Of might.

Slay: The Christmas Tree of Might.

Beru: Oh~

Jinga: Oh~

Jinga: Title drop!

Slay: Now... let the Yuletide celebrations... begin.

Slay: ♫ Deck the halls with sounds of metal ♫

Slay: ♫ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♫

Slay: ♫ Tis the season to be brutal ♫

Slay: ♫ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♫

Boy: Mommy--?

Yamcha: So yeah, um, I'm gonna have to crash with you guys for a while.

Goku: Ha, ha! "Crash"... like your car.

Yamcha: Yes, Goku... like my car.

Roshi: I can't believe the wreckage landed on your house.

Yamcha: Neither can I. And since I put all my money into the car...

Yamcha: I'm pretty much destitute.

Gohan: You know, studies say that depression hits worst during the holiday season.

Gohan: That's why the suicide rates are so high.

Goku: Like your car.

King Kai: Hey, are we laughing at Yamcha? 'Cause I'm always up for that.

Goku: King Kai, is that you?

King Kai: I just wanted to call you up and wish you a Merry Christmas.

Goku: Aw shucks, King Kai. You too.

King Kai: Yeah. Also thought I'd tell you about the evil space pirates who are killing your planet.

Goku: Space in the what now?

King Kai: You see, a group of space pirates have sought out your planet.

King Kai: And with it, are growing an evil, evil tree.

Goku: How evil?

King Kai: It's literally sucking the Christmas joy out of the entire planet.

Goku: (Gasp)...

Goku: That's Disney evil!

King Kai: Well, that’s all from here. I'm gonna go spike the eggnog and watch Gregory get smashed.

King Kai: Merry Christmas!

Goku: Alright, guys; group meeting.

Goku: So, it turns out someone just planted a gigantic tree...

Krillin: Hooray! My tree!

Goku: ...that is sucking the Christmas joy out of the entire world!

Krillin: I mean oh, no! Who would be so dastardly?

Goku: So, my plan is we get the Dragon Balls and wish it away!

Krillin: Uuuummmm...

Goku: I'm kiddin'. We're gonna go blow it up!

Goku: Didn't work.

Tien: Damn. If we don't act soon, Christmas is going to be ruined forever.

Krillin: Wait a minute - Tien, Chiaotzu, what are you two doing here? Aren't you Jewish?

Tien: Hey! I'm just trying to be culturally sensitive... you Buddhist ass!

Krillin: Well, happy holidays to you too.

Goku: I think the only course of action left... is to reason with it.

Yamcha: Uh, Goku--?

Goku: Big tree! If you don’t leave right now, I'm gonna have to beat you up!

Yamcha: Goku, trees can't tal--

Slay: Why don't you come up here and try it?

Yamcha: Y'know what? F**k it; I don't care anymore.

Krillin: Who the hell are these guys?

Slay: We are from the planet of Misfit Minions.

Reese: Where all banished servants of Santa Claus are sent.

Beru: We were all lost, hope forsaken.

Jinga: But now Turles has given us a new chance at life.

Beru: And at revenge!

Jinga: And at revenge!

Krillin: But why were you banished in the first place?

Slay: Some of us did things...

Slay: Terrible things.

Reese: Things that some of us regret, and some of us don't.

Slay: Take me for example: I was but a humble mall Santa trying to bring children joy.

Tien: So what happened?

Slay: Well, a young child asked me for a fire truck.

Goku: Awww!

Slay: So I dropped one on his house.

Goku: Awww.

Jinga: Then there was my brother and I.

Beru: We were once elves working at Santa's workshop.

Jinga: Until a robot we made to aid production went out on a murderous rampage.

S.n.o.w.: Fa la la la la, la la, la--

S.n.o.w.: DIE.

Krillin: Yiiikes.

Krillin: Wait a minute, that doesn't cover you - what'd *you* do?

Reese: Something so evil, I am forever on Santa’s naughty list!

Yamcha: Geez, compared to these guys, what could you have possibly--

Reese: I raped Rudolph.

Tien: Dibs on not fighting that guy.

Goku: We have to save Christmas, guys! Let's go!

Jinga: Jinga!

Beru: Beru!

Jinga: The great Jinga Beru Brothers!

Beru: The great Jinga Beru Brothers!

Tien: You mean "Jingle Bell", right?

Jinga: No, Jinga...

Beru: ...and Beru!

Tien: Noooo... Jingle... *Bell*.

Jinga: Jinga!

Beru: Beru!

Tien: F**KING WEEABOOS!

Slay: Y'know, you look like one of the kids I let sit on my lap once.

Slay: 'Course, he was the cancer patient; asked me if I could get rid of his cancer.

Krillin: Oh God, this is going exactly where I think this is, isn't it?

Slay: So I blew him up! No more cancer!

Krillin: God, you are one of the worst mall Santas ever!

Krillin: Right behind those ones that molest kids.

Slay: ...So I'm the worst mall Santa.

Krillin: Oh, come on!

Yamcha: Go to hell!

Yamcha: Oh. Come. On. Come. On. Damn. You.

S.n.o.w.: Do you require assistance?

Yamcha: Shut. Up. You. Cowardly. God.

Yamcha: YES! Take that, motherfu--!

Yamcha: HUHG!

S.n.o.w.: ♫ And if you saw this guy fight ♫

S.n.o.w.: ♫ You would even say he blows ♫

S.n.o.w.: Agreed.

Jinga: I'll make you pay, like the rest of them!

Chiaotzu: Aaaah! I told you, I'm not an elf; I'm just really short!

Jinga: Shut up, Claus lover!

Chiaotzu: I don’t even celebrate Christmas--

Chiaotzu: OH, MY GOD!

Jinga: What the--

Jinga: What the FUUUUUUUUUUU...?!

Gohan: Did I just smash the Krampus?

Gohan: Oh well; where are the others?

Gohan: If I don't find them soon, it's gonna be too late to go caroling!

Gohan: Oh!

Gohan: Hey Dad, what's with the getup? It's not Halloween, it's Christmas!

Turles: Christmas?

Turles: I HATE Christmas!

Gohan: You're not my Dad!

Turles: I hate gingerbread houses.

Turles: I hate presents and toys.

Turles: I hate reindeer and all of the good girls and boys.

Turles: I hate the Whos down in Whoville and all of their songs.

Turles: I hate their whumpets and blumpets and goobag-for-brawns.

Turles: I hate carols and sleigh rides and falalalalas.

Turles: But above all things else... I hate Santa Claus!

Gohan: Don't talk s**t about Santa!

Turles: You're Saiyan, aren’t you?

Turles: How lucky you were... to never suffer my injustice!

Turles: However, after my tree is done with this planet, you'll be left with no ale to speak of!

Piccolo: UUGHHUUGHHUUGHH!

Gohan: Mr. Piccolo...

Gohan: Ugh!

Turles: Yeah, you're gonna stay right there. Now how 'bout I show you a little trick I learned?

Turles: If I put pressure down on this part of your back...

Gohan: UGH!

Turles: ...your tail grows back!

Gohan: And...?

Turles: Look!

Gohan: AGH!

Turles: It's the Star of Bethlehem. You know what that means?

Gohan: Jesus is born?

Turles: Yeah. Only instead of Jesus... It's a giant monkey.

Gohan: I don't see the paral--

Goku: Gohan!

Goku: Aw man... if Chi-Chi finds out about this, I might not get mouth present.

Turles: Now, what will you do?

Turles: Son against father; father against son! In a battle to the death!

Goku: HAH!

Turles: ...Well played.