“A Planet with Three Suns”

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--Akira Toriyama.

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Nail: This is my people's sacred battleground.

Freeza: We flew over an hour for *this*?

Freeza: It looks exactly the same as everywhere else on this godforsaken rock!

Nail: Hmph. Racist.

Freeza: Well, maybe so, but I can't quite be a racist against a race that doesn't EXIST.

Freeza: Like the Clorfors.

Freeza: Dirty, money-grubbing Clorfors. Tried to clorf me right out of my money.

Freeza: Blew those little bastards up is what I did.

Nail: RAAAAGGH!

Freeza: Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know we were starting.

Freeza: Here, allow me.

Nail: AAAAAAAGGGH!!!

Freeza: Looks like someone's going to be missing this.

Nail: No, not really.

Freeza: Hmm?

Nail: HRRRAAAAAH!

Freeza: Ooh, that looks like it hurts a *lot*.

Freeza: Are you okay?

Nail: I'm fine!

Freeza: Good to know.

Freeza: Yoink!

Nail: URRRGG--!!

Gohan: So, what exactly is this?

Vegeta: It's a healing tank. This'll bring the idiot back to full strength.

Goku: 'Heh heh, the bubbles tickle.'

Goku: 'Heh heh, ow, it hurts to laugh.'

Goku: Heh heh, ow. Heh heh, ow. Heh heh, ow.

Vegeta: It'll take a while though. This is the only other model the ship has. And it's kind of an old one.

Krillin: What happened with the newer model?

Vegeta: Blew it the f*ck up.

Krillin: What, did it have an opinion?

Vegeta: Eat me. Now both of you...

Vegeta: STRIP.

Krillin: Uhhhhhm...

Vegeta: I’ve got body armor for you.

Krillin: *Less* awkward.

Krillin: You know, Gohan, it just occurred to me.

Gohan: Yeah, Krillin?

Krillin: We're *still* on Namek.

Gohan: What do you mean?

Krillin: Well, I mean, it feels like we’ve been here for, like, a year.

Gohan: But we've only been here for six days.

Krillin: I know, right?!

Krillin: Hey, by the way, don’t I look like that one guy that Vegeta landed with back on Earth? What was his name again?

Krillin: Hey Vegeta, what was that one guy's name?

Krillin: Vegeta?

Nappa: Vegeta?

Vegeta: God damn it, Nappa.

Krillin: Oh right. Good old "God damn it Nappa".

Gohan: Krillin, we should probably focus on finding a way to use the Dragon Balls.

Krillin: Well, there’s always Little Green, but…

Gohan: But what?

Krillin: That’s a really long flight.

Gohan: Krillin…

Krillin: Plus, I think I sense some hostility.

Gohan: Krillin!

Krillin: Fine, fine, I’ll go get him. Enjoy your company.

Vegeta: Try not to get yourself killed, God forbid you make me happy.

Gohan: You know, you seem like you’re in a bad mood. Maybe you should take a nap.

Vegeta: Maybe YOU should— eh, actually, that sounds good.

Vegeta: You keep guard out here. Make sure not to go too far; I like my meat shields within bullet-blocking distance.

Gohan: I didn’t think bullets could hurt you.

Vegeta: Shut up, I'm sleepy.

Goku: 'Heh-heh, ow. Heh-heh, ow. Heh-heh, ow. Heh-heh—'

King Kai: Goku! Goku, are you there?

Goku: Oh, hey, King Kai. I’m in a healing pod.

King Kai: I noticed, I wasn’t paying attention. What the hell?

Goku: Well, when I got down I ran into some really weird guys.

Goku: One was really big and muscly; he went down real easy.

Goku: Then these two guys double teamed me. One of them took it really hard in the back.

Goku: The other didn’t seem that interested, so he went and brought this really horny guy!

George Takei: Oh myyy~

Goku: Who’s that, King Kai?

King Kai: It’s George Takei. Somehow we made this into a three-way.

George Takei: Oh myyy~!

King Kai: *CALL*! THREE-WAY CALL!

Nail: AAAAAAAaaugh!

Freeza: How many arms do you think we’re up to?

Freeza: I think we’re up to twenty-four.

Nail: HRAAAAAAHHHHH!

Freeza: Tell me. Have you ever heard of the planet “Vegeta”?

Nail: N-no?

Freeza: Funny, because I expect to hear the same from the next person when I ask them about *Namek*.

Freeza: Oh, was that your nose? That was your nose!

Freeza: I’ve had a worse time, you know. It’s not often I dirty my own hands with this sort of grunt work.

Freeza: There’s always a certain amount of satisfaction I get out of doing it myself.

Freeza: Ahh, it is kind of funny, isn’t it?

Nail: Aha I’m, I’m laughing at something else actually.

Freeza: Eh heh heh heh, what?

Nail: The Earthlings have the password.

Freeza: ...what?

Nail: Remember the little Namekian you passed on the way to Guru’s?

Nail: On his way to the humans with the password.

Nail: By now he’s probably already there and they’re about to summon the Dragon. Haha.

Freeza: Ghh, SHHUURRRRRGGG...!

Nail: Yeah. If I had to guess your biggest mistake, it would be not stopping him.

Nail: That, or the purple lipstick.

Freeza: I WILL F*CKING MURDER YOU!!

Nail: Whatever.

Freeza: Why aren’t the Ginyus showing up?!

Freeza: Oh, they’re dead.

Freeza: WHY ARE THEY DEAD?!

Krillin: Stop right there, Namekian scum!

Krillin: Haha, you should see the look on your face!

Krillin: Oh, I’m just kidding, it’s me, Krillin!

Krillin: Haha, you’re killing me, Little Green!

Krillin: Now come on, we gotta go summon the Dragon.

Gohan: 'You know, it’s not so bad. I mean sure, I’ve seen more people die than most people my age.'

Gohan: 'Or really, most people in general. Then again, I don’t really know anyone my own age.'

Gohan: 'My best friends are a 26-year-old dwarf and a giant green alien who constantly hits me.'

Gohan: 'Still, better than my Dad. At least they’re AROUND!'

Gohan: 'Huh... where did that come from?'

Krillin: Hey! Gohan!

Gohan: Huh? That sounds like Krillin.

Gohan: Wow, you made it in no time at all!

Krillin: Yeah. Little Green here was on his way back from Guru’s.

Krillin: He said he can help us summon the Dragon!

Gohan: Great! I’ll go get Vegeta and—

Krillin: No, no, no, see, that’s the best part! We’re not gonna TELL Vegeta!

Gohan: That sounds like a very dangerous idea that could very easily backfire.

Krillin: Well, we can either take the wishes for ourselves or give ‘em to Vegeta.

Krillin: And I’m not gonna lie - I don’t think he’s dedicated to Team Three Star at all.

Gohan: You know, I’ve been meaning to tell you. That name...

Gohan: really doesn't sound very good.

Krillin: Well, why didn’t you tell me sooner?! I thought it was stupid from the beginning but nobody said anything!

Gohan: Let’s just go summon the Dragon and go home.

Krillin: Yeah, fine, whatever.

Vegeta: Hurr-hrr, first immortality... then the bitches…

Krillin: We did it! Again! For real this time, though!

Krillin: Now we just can have Little Green summon the Dragon, and we’ll finally have our wish!

Gohan: Hey, is that Freeza?

Krillin: ...No.

Gohan: I think that’s Freeza.

Krillin: No, it’s not!

Gohan: Yeah, that’s definitely Freeza.

Krillin: ...Summonit!

Krillin: ...Summonitsummonitsummonit!

Krillin: ...Summonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonit!

Dende: [Speaking Klingon (Namekian)]

Krillin: ...Summonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonitsummonit!

Dende: [Speaking Klingon (Namekian)]

Krillin: [Etc...]

Krillin: Dammit, stop speaking gibberish *and summon the*—!

Krillin: Holy crap, your Dragon’s on steroids.

Porunga: [Speaking Klingon (Namekian)]

Krillin: All right! We can finally get our wish!

Dende: The Dragon says he’ll give ya three.

Krillin: Wait a minute, we get three wishes? That's awesome!

Krillin: I want a three foot—!

King Kai: Stop screwing around and wish these idiots off my planet!

Krillin: Holy crap, I can hear a voice in my head!

Dende: Is it telling you my name is Dende?

Krillin: Hush, Little Green! The voice speaks to me!

King Kai: This is King Kai. Wish these guys back to life before I kill myself.

Krillin: Wait, can gods kill themselves?

King Kai: *I’m about to try*!

Krillin: All right, Little Green! Use our first wish to bring our friends back to life!

Dende: Porunga can only bring back one person at a time.

Krillin: Oh.

Krillin: King Kai, he says it can only bring one person back at a—

King Kai: I heard him!

Tien: Which means one of us gets left behind.

Piccolo: Just wish me back.

King Kai: I guess we should ask Yamcha what he thinks.

Yamcha: (Gasp)

Piccolo: No-one cares what Yamcha thinks!

Piccolo: Listen - if you wish *me* back, then that wishes *Kami* back.

Piccolo: Then you can use THOSE Dragon Balls to wish these morons back.

Krillin: Which leaves us with two more wishes!

Krillin: Let’s wish him to Namek!

Gohan: Wait, what?

Piccolo: Wait, what?

Krillin: Little Green! Wish our friend Piccolo back to life, and then with our next wish, bring him to Namek!

Piccolo: Hold on a minute, don’t do that, that is a terrible i—

Piccolo: —dea!

Piccolo: AUUUUUUUUUGH!!

Dende: He is on Namek.

Gohan: Wait, where is he?

Dende: On Namek.

Piccolo: You dumbass!

Krillin: Why didn’t it bring him *here*?

Dende: You must be specific.

Gohan: Oh, so it’s a sort of monkey’s paw. You have to be careful with the hubris in your wishes.

Piccolo: NERRRRRRD!!

Krillin: Well, if nobody else has any ideas, I want my three foot—

Vegeta: HI! WHAT’S UP, GUYS?!

Krillin: I’m never gonna get my hoagie.

Vegeta: So what’re you doing?!

Gohan: What am I doing?

Vegeta: What’re you doing?!

Gohan: Nothin' much.

Vegeta: Thwartin' my plans?!

Gohan: Thwarting your plans?

Vegeta: Are you?!

Gohan: ...Yes.

Vegeta: ...I’M GONNA F*CKING KILL YOU!

Vegeta: But first - you are going to give me my wish for immortality, or I will Snap. His. *Neck*!

Krillin: Wait! He’s the only one who can ask the Dragon to grant wishes!

Vegeta: And I’ve got nothing to lose!

Dende: Whatever.

Vegeta: GOOD ANSWER! Now get to wishing!

Guru: 'I feel that they have finally summoned the dragon. Would be a real dick move to die right now.'

Guru: Huuurr!

Vegeta: Is... I— Is that normal?

Dende: No. It’s dead. And that means Guru is, too.

Krillin: I’m so sorry for your loss.

Dende: Someone has to be.

Vegeta: That doesn’t matter! Don’t you understand?!

Vegeta: If it didn’t me grant my wish, then I’m not immortal!

Vegeta: And Freeza’s going to…! G-going to…

Vegeta: Ah, aah, aaha, aaaaha...!

Krillin: (Whimpering)

Freeza: Ohohoho nohoho, don’t mind me. By all means...

Freeza: *give me some ideas*.

Mr. Popo: (Humming "Because I Got High")

Kami: Fan-freaking-tastic, we're back here again.

Mr. Popo: Oh. You’re back. Hi, Kami.

Kami: Mr. Popo, what are you watering?

Mr. Popo: Pot.

Kami: Pots of what?

Mr. Popo: Pot.

Mr. Popo: I'm not getting rid of it.

Kami: Are you kidding? That sh*t’s great for my glaucoma.