Revenge of Cooler

Sauza: Monsieur Cooler! It seems that your brother Freeza is destroying ze planet Vegeta!

Cooler: Very impressive, killing off a bunch of monkeys.

Cooler: Any liquored-up hillbilly with a shotgun could've done that at the zoo.

Sauza: Wait, sir! It seems he has missed one ship!

Sauza: We are within range to intercep--

Cooler: No. Let it go.

Sauza: But... why?

Cooler: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat... ...then he's going to accept the responsibility.

Cooler: If this comes back to bite him... ...that's his fault.

Sauza: Monsieur Cooler!

Cooler: Hm?

Sauza: Your brother, Lord Freeza... he has been... ...le killed.

Cooler: Oh, is that right? And who, Sauza, killed him?

Sauza: It was a... Saiyan.

Cooler: Well, I sure hope somebody picks up that phone.

Sauza: Le wha--?

Cooler: Because I f*cking called it!

Krillin: I can't believe your mom's letting you go camping with us after that whole Namek thing.

Gohan: Well, I had to make the excuse that I'm studying fauna.

Gohan: I have to chart down 12 different species of fern.

Oolong: Wow, that smells fantastic! What's in there?

Krillin: Oh, you know, just some essentials.

Krillin: Carrots, potatoes, pooor... ...poise...

Fish: Halt, stalwart stranger! If you let me go, I shall grant you one wish.

Goku: I wish for you to be my dinner!

Fish: Help! Help! Help! Helllp! Helllp! Helllp!

Gohan: Huh?

Krillin: Whoa-ho! Sounds like Goku caught a big one this time!

Gohan: Actually, something feels... off...

Krillin: Gohan! Look out! It's the--

Krillin: halalalala...

Gohan: Krilli-- augh, 'goodbye, muscle control...'

Doore: 'Ey! Look wot I got roight 'ere!

Doore: Cute little thang, innit?

Sauza: As a space Frenchman, I must say, I find zis food completely detestable!

Sauza: Ze pork is completely overcooked!

Oolong: Rot in hell, Krillin! I almost ate that!

Goku: Hey!

Goku: You get away from my food, my friend, my two emergency foods, and my son!

Goku: In that order!

Sauza: Well, well! I believe zat is ze monkey we are looking for!

Goku: Wait, what did he just say?

Doore: Oi! 'E said you're the monkey we're looking for!

Goku: I... I don't--

Neiz: (Gibberish)

Goku: Alright, just tell me who you are.

Neiz: (Gibberish)

Sauza: Cooler's Armored Squadron!

Doore: Cooler's Armored Squadron!

Goku: I am having the worst case of deja mustard right now.

Sauza: Le suck it, bitch!

Neiz: Ah!

Neiz: (Roar)

Neiz: (Squeal)

Sauza: Monsieur Cooler! We have zis under control!

Cooler: It took us three months to get here. I am not staying in the ship.

Goku: (Gasp)

Goku: Freezer!

Sauza: Ha! You think zis is Freeza?

Sauza: No...

Sauza: He... is Cooler...

Goku: Cooler than Freezer? You must be ice cold!

Cooler: No, that would be my father.

Gohan: Dad! We're coming to help!

Cooler: Oh, is that your son?

Goku: Yeah...

Cooler: I'ma kill it!

Goku: Don't you do it!

Cooler: I'ma do it!

Goku: Don't you do it!

Goku: Dang it!

Goku: Agh!

Cooler: So... who thinks he's dead?

Sauza: Dead.

Neiz: (Gibberish)

Doore: That boy's dead as mud!

Cooler: Well, too bad; I sign your paychecks. Search the forest.

Sauza: <Qu'est-ce que f*ck>...?

Krillin: Oh... yeah...

Krillin: Yeah, that's right, Maron... lower...

Krillin: Lower...

Krillin: Ah! Icarus?!

Krillin: I didn't say stop!

Icarus: (Confused dragon noise)

Gohan: Dad! Wake up! Please!

Goku: Oh... hey, Gohan.

Goku: Do you have Icarus? 'Cause I'm staaarvin'.

Gohan: Uhh...

Goku: Where are we, anyway?

Gohan: We're hidden in a cave. No one can find us, so we should be safe.

Gohan: Aw, crap baskets...

Sauza: And now, ze perfect place for a shopping mall!

Sauza: It will have a cigarette shop, a baguette restaurant, ze Napoleon Museum, and a movie theater only showing films starring Jean Reno!

Sauza: Hon hon! I'm *French*!

Cooler: Ah, I see a bunch of idle hands just standing around!

Cooler: So... (clears his throat)

Cooler: Where's the body?

Sauza: Well, Monsieur Cooler, he has most likely been vaporized; much like a good portion of ze forest.

Cooler: Really?

Cooler: Because until I see a *body*, I believe my brother did a better job at killing him than you.

Cooler: By the end of this, I'll have *someone's* corpse tied to the bumper of my ship.

Krillin: Move!

Icarus: (Confused dragon noise)

Icarus: (Dragon noises)

Krillin: Icarus, if this is another dead rabbit, I swear to God I'm gonna kill you.

Oolong: He's saying they're trapped under the rocks.

Krillin: Gohan, Goku! Are you in there?!

Gohan: Krillin! We're trapped under the rocks! We're running out of air! Help us!

Krillin: Wait, why do you need my help; can't Goku bench press a planet?

Gohan: Krillin, move the damn rocks!

Krillin: Alright, Gohan, here's the plan:

Krillin: Take Icarus to Korin's Tower so you don't alert their Scouters.

Krillin: Pick up some Senzu Beans for Goku and hurry back.

Gohan: Wait, why am I going?

Krillin: Because last time I hung out with him, I totally forgot what his name was and just kept calling him "Whiskers the Wonder Cat" the whole time.

Krillin: ...It was really awkward.

Goku: Krillin? What smells like dragon's breath?

Krillin: Shame, Goku... Lots and lots of shame...

Gohan: Come on, Icarus, not much longer.

Gohan: Ah! The tower!

Gohan: I wonder how Yajirobe and Korin are doing.

Yajirobe: I told you to use the brush before you got in the shower!

Yajirobe: Your hair clogs up the drain!

Korin: And I told you to stay out of my kitty treats!

Korin: Seriously, they're for CATS! Why do you eat them?!

Yajirobe: I swear, the only reason I live here is because it's rent-free!

Korin: The only reason I *let* you live here is because you give the best belly rubs for a hundred miles!

Gohan: Uhh...

Yajirobe: Don't say that in front of the kid!

Korin: What? You should be proud, you know how to rub this pussy real good.

Gohan: Can... I have my Senzu Beans?

Yajirobe: Sure, fine, here.

Korin: Hey! Those are *my* Senzu Beans! You can't just--

Yajirobe: Hey, here's another one.

Korin: You prick!

Korin: That's it, I'm done! Grab your stuff and get off my tower!

Gohan: 'Just keep moving, Gohan...'

Korin: D'ah-- agh, you scared him off!

Yajirobe: You were the one screaming your head off.

Korin: I want one.

Yajirobe: I told you - I'm not ready for kids!

Korin: Well, when *will* you be ready?!

Yajirobe: I don't know, okay?!

Krillin: Ugh... Huh?!

Krillin: It's morning?!

Krillin: Goku! Are you--

Goku: Aw, yeah... That's right, Chi-Chi...

Goku: Pour that maple syrup... All over my breakfast... You beautiful lady who lives in my house...

Gohan: You know, Icarus, I know you like flying fast, but maybe we should be more careful now just to--

Sauza: Well, hello, Diddy.

Sauza: Where's Donkey?

Gohan: Icarus!

Doore: 'Ey boys! Remember when I said I once popped a man's skull with me bare 'ands?

Gohan: (Groaning in pain)

Doore: Check this 'at!

Doore: D'aagh!

Doore: Bloody 'ell?!

Piccolo: Okay, I think I got this one:

Doore: Oi!

Doore: I appreciate that!

Doore: But I'd say I'm more handsome than pretty.

Sauza: And my powers are not zat weird!

Neiz: (Roar)

Piccolo: Okay, I take it back; you're all stupid.

Doore: Someone check the clock, because I believe it's go time!

Doore: Hiyaaaaaaaagh!

Piccolo: Olé!

Doore: Yaaaaaaaagh...!

Piccolo: Gohan! You know what to do!

Gohan: Yes, sir, Mr. Piccolo!

Doore: I got the little bugger!

Piccolo: I meant back me up!

Neiz: Ha ha!

Sauza: You babbling fool! He was aiming for Doore!

Neiz: Gah!

Doore: Huh?

Doore: Oh no...

Doore: No, no no no...!

Doore: No no no!

Doore: No, no, no no no!

Doore: No, no, n-n-n-n--

Doore: NOOOOOOOO...!

Neiz: (Angry gibberish)

Piccolo: (Yelling in pain)

Sauza: Zat is right, I forgot you can do zat! <Trés bien>.

Sauza: I'm going to go get zat child. You finish him off and bring ze body back to Cooler.

Sauza: You know how he likes zat!

Neiz: (Snickering)

Neiz: (Gibberish)

Piccolo: Gotcha, bitch!

Neiz: Hah?

Neiz: (More gibberish)

Sauza: Huh?!

Sauza: Ha! <Bon, mon ami>, but not *bon* enough!

Sauza: <Merde!>

Nail: 'Hey, know what this reminds me of?'

Nail: 'That scene from Return of the Jedi!'

Piccolo: 'Not now, Nail!'

Sauza: Huh?!

Nail: 'Oh, I didn't know we could do that!'

Piccolo: 'Yeah, I forget about them sometimes, too.'

Nail: 'Oh man - speaking of Star Wars, check that out! Lightsaber!'

Piccolo: 'Lightsabers don't stick out of people's arms!'

Nail: 'It's *totally* making the same sound; you can't make that up!'

Sauza: If you strike me down, I'll only become stro--

Sauza: ugh...!

Nail: 'And it's gooood!'

Sauza: You insolent slug!

Sauza: You may have killed our men, but he won't let you get away with zis!

Piccolo: Oh, really? And who's he?

Cooler: That's "He" with a capital H, by the way.

Piccolo: AUGH...!

Krillin: Goku! You okay?!

Goku: I've got... a fever...

Krillin: Oh no, what should I--

Goku: And the only prescription... ...is Icarus.

Krillin: Wha--

Goku: ♫ Dragon meat is yummy... ♫ ♫ And I really want it in my tummy... ♫

Gohan: Dad, I'm back!

Krillin: What took you so long?

Gohan: I... lost Icarus halfway here.

Gohan: But I have these Senzu Beans!

Goku: Aw, but those are bland and tasteless!

Gohan: Ugh...!

Gohan: You know, in my experience, cooking actually makes them worse.

Sauza: Oh, I'm sorry.

Sauza: I saw you risking your life for those and I thought, "Wow, those must be important!"

Sauza: Please tell me zey were important.

Krillin: Those were our only hope, you *bastard*!

Gohan: Krillin, no!

Gohan: I probably should've mentioned I still have this one.

Gohan: Here, Dad - eat up!

Goku: Why does this one smell weird?

Krillin: GAH-HAH!

Gohan: Krillin!

Gohan: Don't worry, Dad! You take Cooler; I'll take the small fry--

Gohan: Dad, help!

Sauza: And now to lay ze coup de grâce to ze King of Kongs!

Sauza: What?!

Sauza: Whose power level is zat?!

Sauza: It's going off ze scale!

Sauza: But ze only one in zere was the dying monkey and ze pig!

Sauza: Sacrébleu...!

Sauza: Could it be... ...ze legendary Super Swine?!

Sauza: Agh!

Sauza: Ze hell?!

Sauza: (Gasp)

Goku: So, I really don't think I appreciate you beating on my friends and family.

Cooler: So, wait - which one does this constitute? Friend or family?

Cooler: I'm going to guess friend, considering...

Goku: Piccolo! You give him here!

Cooler: Oh, I wouldn't go anywhere near him if I were you...

Cooler: He seems to have come down with a terrible case of explosions...

Goku: Wha?

Goku: (Gasp)

Goku: Is that contagious?!

Sauza: (Snickering)

Goku: Seriously, I don't want to catch that.

Cooler: Unfortunately, after I kill you... ...I'm going to give the whole planet a terrible case of explosions.

Cooler: So, basically I'm going to blow up the planet.

Goku: Goku - Attack Mode Activate!

Sauza: [Unintelligible]

Cooler: D'uwahg!

Cooler: D'aagh!

Goku: Iyahh!

Cooler: I see how you handled my little shit brother so easily!

Cooler: And that is the history of my family.

Goku: Wow, I'm... sorry about your dad...

Cooler: Oh, don't even get me started again...

Goku: Well, I assure you - if I ever have a son, I'll treat him better!

Cooler: Really, it's my brother's fault.

Cooler: Pissing and moaning if he didn't own every galaxy.

Cooler: And didn't he just rabble on... "Dirty monkey, this! Dirty monkey, that!"

Goku: Oh, that is just him! That is exactly him! To a P!

Cooler: See, though... ...that's the difference between him and I.

Cooler: He liked to talk...

Cooler: I... on the other hand...

Cooler: RAARRGHH!

Cooler: URAAARRRGGHH...!

Cooler: Tonight I dine on monkey soup!

Goku: Wughh...!

Goku: Why do I let people do that--?!

Goku: AUGH!

Goku: Uu-ha-hah, ah-hagh...!

Cooler: I'ma plant me a dumbass tree!

Cooler: That all you got, monkey?

Goku: HAAAAIIIII...

Cooler: Oh, this is gonna be great...!

Goku: YAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Cooler: Avon Calling!

Goku: Agh-hu!

Goku: GUAGH-agh! Ugh...!

Goku: Ugh...

Cooler: Look at you... ...wasted and gasping for air.

Cooler: But you don't get to go yet.

Cooler: When your planet is in ashes... ...then, you have my permission to die.

Goku: Oh... hello, birdie...

Goku: I'm gonna call you... ...Toriyama.

Goku: Toriyama, no...!

Goku: You were taken before your time!

Goku: No... no...!

Goku: NOOOOOO...!

Cooler: The devil?!

Goku: Go, Toriyama... ...and teach a dinosaur to ride a ball!

Goku: 'Hm!'

Cooler: I see! This must be the power you used to kill my brother.

Cooler: Well, don't think that I'll--

Cooler: Yah!

Goku: Not going anywhere for a while?

Cooler: (Focused grunts)

Cooler: D'huh?!

Goku: Grab a Snickers.

Cooler: I... can't help but feel we're both missing some context, here...

Cooler: D'augh! My gas pocket!

Goku: Now *get off my planet*!

Cooler: Well, alright, if you insist...

Cooler: HA!

Cooler: Technically, I can't be on a planet... ...*if there is no planet*!

Goku: Now you're just arguing semetics!

Cooler: By the way, before I throw this thing... ...did my brother do this?

Goku: Yeah, but his was smaller.

Cooler: Knew it! Ha!

Goku: (Yelling)

Goku: (Strained grunting)

Cooler: See, this is the difference...

Cooler: My brother would've stood around postulating and claiming his victory... ...like some haughty, green-horned child.

Cooler: I know what it takes to get the job done.

Cooler: Which is why Father should have--!

Goku: KA...

Cooler: ?!

Goku: KA...

Goku: ME...

Goku: HA...

Goku: ME...

Cooler: Oh-ho, that's fine.

Cooler: Go ahead, lift it up.

Cooler: I'll just make another one and--

Goku: HAAAAAAAAAA!

Cooler: Ah, that's getting really clooOO--

Cooler: D'AAGH!

Cooler: I know there's some kind of hubristic irony to consider here, but I'm far too distracted by the coldness of space!

Cooler: Wait... no, now it's actually getting sorta toasty...

Cooler: Oh shit, now it's REALLY getting toasty!

Cooler: GRAAAARRGH, EVERYTHING IS BURRNINNG!!

Cooler: I really am just like my brother...!

Cooler: Because if he's going to whine to our father for control over the entire system like a spoiled little brat... ...then he's going to accept the responsibility.

Cooler: If this comes back to bite him... ...that's his fault.

Cooler: 'But at least I know... I'm... still... Cooler...'

Cooler: (Roaring in excruciating agony)

Mr. Popo: Ohp! Hold on a second.

Goku: Sun... ...you grow my food... ...you kill my enemies.

Goku: You're totally worth the skin cancer.

Krillin: Goku! You're okay!

Gohan: You won!

Goku: Yup! And we all pitched in!

Goku: Except Icarus.

Goku: C'mere! Goku's hungry!

Gohan: Wait, what are you--

Goku: I wanna eat your dragon!

Sauza: Hold ze f*cking frog legs!

Sauza: Hahahahaha!

Sauza: You may have defeated Monsieur Cooler... ...but now you face ze wrath of Sauza!

Sauza: WAAGH...!

Sauza: 'I will see you in Space Hell... cousin Jeice.'

Goku: Seriously, gimme your dragon.