DragonBall Z Abridged SPECIAL: Episode of Bardock

Narrator: A familiar scene plays before you: A lone renegade stands at the precipice of global annihilation...

Narrator: The grim punctuation to his warrior race.

Freeza: You know, the funny thing is, *Bardock*, even if you had seen this coming, there's nothing you could have done about it.

Bardock: You don't... You have no goddamned idea.

Zarbon: Mmm, and even if you told every single Saiyan, none of them would have even believed you.

Bardock: Just... please stop talking.

Dodoria: And you never even got a chance to say goodbye to your son.

Bardock: 'I have one of those?'

Bardock: (Gasp) 'Oh God, I have two of those!'

Freeza: Consider this downsizing on a global scale!

Freeza: You can pickup your unemployment checks wherever you end up.

Bardock: GO TO HELL!

Freeza: See, that was my first guess.

Bardock: Ah, crapbaskets.

Narrator: And so, with a macabre flash of blinding light, the howling laughter of a blood-parched tyrant echoing through his mind, so ends the tragic fate of Bardock.

Narrator: ...Or so you'd think, if you didn't know a thing about merchandising!

Narrator: Hit it!

Narrator: ♫ Let's do the Time Warp again ♫

Bardock: Ah!

Bardock: 'Am I in a bed?'

Bardock: 'Does Hell have beds?'

Bardock: 'You'd think they'd have beds of spikes...'

Bardock: 'or spiders...'

Bardock: 'or spiky spiders...'

Bardock: 'Spikers.'

Bardock: 'Wait... this looks like Planet Vegeta.'

Bardock: 'Only... even shittier...'

Bardock: '...which is and isn't weird, considering the last time I saw it, it was blowing up.'

Dr. Dray: Hi-ho!

Bardock: Ugh!

Dr. Dray: We found you unconscious and near-death in a valley not too far from here.

Dr. Dray: We helped bring you back to health with our magical, healing S.P.U.G. ("spooge").

Bardock: Ugh!

Dr. Dray: Super Polymorphic Unleashing Gel.

Dr. Dray: We brought you to our town in our pleasant, serene, little planet.

Dr. Dray: My name is Dray. And this is my child, Twopock. Say hi-ho, Twopock.

Twopock: Hi-ho!

Bardock: Ugh!

Twopock: Where are you from?

Bardock: There is nothing about this whole scenario that doesn't make me so disgusted I want to violently vomit out my own internal organs.

Bardock: I despise you both so intensely, that I can't tell if my vision is blurry from my near-death experience or from my unforgiving rage.

Bardock: If allowed, once I am back to full health, I will gut you with an honest to God smile on my face, and then proceed to paint the home I built with your bodies with your very blood.

Dr. Dray: You hear that, Twopock? You made a friend.

Twopock: YEAAAAAAAAAAA--!

Dr. Dray: That came from my village!

Toobi: Hello there, inhabitants of Planet Plant!

Toobi: We are here on a diplomatic mission on behalf of your new Emperor, Lord Chilled.

Toobi: Pamphlets will be passed around to introduce you to your new, exciting lives as slaves to his Almighty Horniness.

Bardock: Really? This is how you intimidate a village? Blow up a house or two?

Bardock: I don't even think you killed anyone with those peashooters.

Bardock: Speaking of which - what models are those? They look ancient.

Kayabira: Hey, we were gonna kill one of the sick ones if they didn't comply.

Bardock: Oh, kill one of the *sick* ones.

Bardock: What are you gonna do next? Waterboard the elderly?

Kayabira: Look, buddy, we didn't come here to be judged by you.

Kayabira: Ugh-haa...!

Toobi: Holy--

Bardock: Pffff. Amateurs.

Villager: Hooray! Everyone give praise to our new Violent Savior!

Villager: ♫ Bahoo dores ♫

Bardock: NO!

Bardock: None of that!

Bardock: Shame on you!

Bardock: Who needs villagers with their soft beds and S.P.U.G.? Rocks are soft enough to sleep on, right?

Bardock: ...I've made a terrible mistake.

Soldier: Lord Chilled! The vital sensors in the blasters of the two scouts you just sent-

Chilled: Shhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshhshh...

Chilled: Continue.

Soldier: - have ceased transmission. We believe they're dead!

Chilled: (gasp) ♪ OUTRAGEOUS! ♪

Chilled: In honor of their deaths, my men shall now, and forevermore, be given the names of fruits!

Chilled: Pineapple! Bring us to Planet Plant!

Pineapple: ...So am I "Pineapple"?

Chilled: ♪ YES! ♪

Bardock: 'Alright, I think I might've figured this out.'

Bardock: 'This looks like a younger Planet Vegeta...'

Bardock: 'Those two guys were using older models...'

Bardock: 'Maybe...'

Bardock: 'This is the--'

Twopock: Hi-ho!

Bardock: Annnd, I lost my train of thought.

Twopock: Hello, Violent Savior. I have brought you bread and fruit.

Bardock: I don't want your bread, or your fruit!

Bardock: But leave the basket!

Twopock: But, Violent Savior--

Bardock: LEAVE THE BASKET!

Twopock: (crying)

Bardock: 'I swear to God, I'm gonna eat his entire race...'

Bardock: 'Damn it, I filled up on bread!'

Twopock: Here you are, Violent Savior. I have brought you more food that you detest.

Bardock: Seriously kid, if you don't start bringing me meat, I am literally gonna shit bricks.

Bardock: THAT IS A ROCK!

Rizza: Thank you, Dr. Dray. Your S.P.U.G. has cured my syphilis.

Dr. Dray: You are welcome, Rizza.

Rizza: Well, back to what I was doing before.

Dr. Dray: Oh, you are just incorrigible.

Papaya: Hello. We are the Space Police.

Aice Cube: Man, f*** da police!

Dr. Dray: Not now, Aice Cube!

Papaya: We are here to catch evil space criminals and various other ne'er-do-wells.

Dr. Dray: I can assure you that we have already exiled Chris of the Clan Brown from our planet.

Chilled: We are looking for the man who assassinated two emissaries from the Frost planet!

Dr. Dray: You mean the Violent Savior?

Villager: All hail the Violent Savior!

Villagers: ♫ Bahoo dores ♫

Chilled: NO!

Chilled: None of that!

Chilled: Shame on you!

Chilled: I wish to meet this man so that I may reward him!

Dr. Dray: I thought you said you wanted to arrest him.

Chilled: I CHANGE MY MIND A LOT!

Chilled: Execute them.

Bardock: Sweet. Back to 100%.

Bardock: I'd go out and eat that whole village right now if I hadn't already filled up on rocks.

Twopock: Violent Savior! My village needs you!

Bardock: Ah, Space Christ. What now?

Twopock: Our people are under assault by villians from another planet!

Bardock: Why is this place so popular?

Twopock: You don't understand! This could be the extinction of the entire Saiyan race!

Bardock: ...What?

Twopock: My people, the Saiyans!

Bardock: Oh, no...!

Bardock: But if you're Saiyans, and those old-ass-looking blasters, and this looks like Planet Veget--!

Bardock: DAMN IT! THERE IT GOES AGAIN!

Twopock: Aah-ah!

Bardock: Hell with this!

Twopock: I am now bearing your child.

Twopock: YAAAAAAAA--!

Chilled: That's right! Continue to blow up the houses!

Chilled: We will avenge my men and take control of this planet!

Chilled: Also, we want your healing medicine.

Dr. Dray: How did you hear about our S.P.U.G.?

Chilled: Because of Raisins!

Chilled: ...Raisin is my intel guy.

Papaya: Now give us your S.P.U.G. or we'll beat it out of ya!

Chilled: And I'll record the whole thing!

Dr. Dray: (Whimpering)

Papaya: (Choking / gurgling)

Bardock: Now, I'm sorry I had to step in, but that was just getting obscene.

Chilled: So, you must be the one who killed my men.

Bardock: 'Freeza?'

Bardock: 'Freeza?!'

Bardock: FREEZA!

Chilled: Ah-hu!

Chilled: Hurrgh!

Bardock: Urgh!

Chilled: You wish to wrestle with the grrrreat LORD CHILLED!?

Chilled: Yet you have not brought your own LEOTARD?!

Bardock: Urrgh!

Chilled: Worthless whelp!

Chilled: You make a mockery of Wrestle Wednesdays!

Chilled: You see, they both start with "W"s. It's alliteration!

Bardock: Freeza!

Bardock: (muffled yelling)

Chilled: I don't know who this "Freeza" is, but he sounds like a classy lady!

Dr. Dray: Release our Violent Savi--

Dr. Dray: OH GOD!

Chilled: These people seem to have a sincere affection for you. What is your secret?

Bardock: Maybe because I don't look like a giant purple and orange tampon--

Chilled: I have lost interest!

Chilled: And now... ♪♫ YOOOUU DIIIIIIIIIEEE ♫♪

Twopock: I must protect the father of my unborn child!

Chilled: Congrrrratulations...

Chilled: it's a corpse!

Twopock: Ow!

Twopock: Oww!

Twopock: OW!

Twopock: Ow.

Twopock: ...oowww.

Dr. Dray: No! Twopock!

Dr. Dray: Damn you... big, small guy!

Chilled: And now - to finish off the *Saiyan race*!

Bardock: 'Wait, hold on... now I remember what I was thinking about...'

Bardock: 'They call themselves Saiyans...'

Bardock: 'And the friggin' blasters...'

Bardock: 'And Planet Vegeta...!'

Bardock: 'And his name is Chilled...!'

Bardock: 'And...!'

Bardock: 'ANND...!'

Bardock: HEY! You! What year is it?

Chilled: 2222.

Bardock: B.C.or A.D.?

Chilled: The hell are those?

Bardock: I'm in the f***ing past (!)

Bardock: Of all the STUPID!

Bardock: ASININE!

Bardock: SHARK-JUMPING BULLSHIT!

Chilled: What the?!

Chilled: Oh, I'm sorry; I only fight *natural* blondes.

Bardock: I... am the Legendary Super Saiyan.

Villager: Yay! We're all Super Saiyans!

Bardock: I will eat you!

Chilled: ♪ Aah-aa-aa-or-r-r-r-r-r-r! ♪

Chilled: And that, Ladies, Gentlemen and those of unspecified gender, is how you split a banan-

Chilled: -uuhhhh?!

Chilled: ...Please don't break my butt.

Bardock: OK.

Chilled: Truly?

Bardock: No.

Chilled: You petulant, impudent, contemptuous whorrrrrre!

Bardock: You mad, bro?

Chilled: A little! Thank you for asking!

Bardock: Then maybe you should CHILL!

Chilled: I'm always Chilled!

Chilled: ...Ohhhh, I get it--

Chilled: Noo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo...!

Chilled: Beforrre I die... I have one... one more decree...

Chilled: All of our most... Elite Warriors... Must... learn... dance... choreography.

Chilled: Got to style... all over... our opponents... forrrce...

Pineapple: Well, call it, Blueberry.

Blueberry: Do I still have to call myself Blueberry?

Raisin: Well I'm gonna keep calling you Blueberry.

Blueberry: Shut up, Raisin!

Narrator: And so, with the evil Chilled put to rest, the unlikely hero made his way.

Narrator: And that is the story of how your

Goku: story of how your Grandpa Bardock became the Legendary Super Saiyan.

Gohan: OK. A couple questions.

Goku: Sure.

Gohan: Why did Freeza's Death Ball send him back in time?

Goku: I dunno.

Gohan: And what happened to his psychic powers?

Goku: I dunno.

Gohan: And why did all the little Saiyans sound the same?

Goku: I couldn't remember which was which, honestly, so I just went with it.

Gohan: Well, I'm sorry, it's just... none of this makes any sense.

Goku: Well, of course it doesn't. None of this is actually happening.

Gohan: ...Huh?

Goku: None of this is real!

Gohan: What are you talking abou--

Gohan: (Gasp)

Piccolo: ...Go back to sleep, Gohan.

Piccolo: ♫ Gotta get back in time ♫

Bardock: Seriously, you wanna learn how to traumatize a village?

Bardock: OK. See that kid over there?

Villager: Odieby! Noooo!

Bardock: Hear that mother?

Villager: (Bawling)

Bardock: ... *That*... is distraught.

Kayabira: You should write a book. You're like a brilliant scientist!

Bardock: Well, I am working on this fake moon thing.