Episode 59

Dende: I can't see shit!

Popo: I told you before, you have to--

Dende: Clear my mind of all other thoughts. Yeah, primo advice.

Dende: Might as well ask me to herd *star-knoss*...

Popo: I'm going to assume those are similar to *cats*.

Dende: Oh, no, they eat cats...

Dende: Exclusively.

Dende: Me-Dammit, I want to watch this stupid fight!

Popo: Tell me - what thoughts are clouding your mind?

Gohan: [in Dende's head] Hey, Dende. Could you put this lotion on my back and/or butt?

Dende: Mmm... God stuff.

Popo: Well, worry not. All we really need is a little green.

Popo: I'm not~

Dende: Yo...

Jimmy: My God...

Jimmy: What feats of incomparable skill and might! What power! What *speed*! What. A. *Battle*!-- Is what I'd be saying if they were in the ring...

Jimmy: Where are they?

Larry: Maybe they're moving at speeds too fast for the human eye?

Larry: I could try using the high shutter camera...

Mr. Satan: Jerry, you're a terrific camera guy, but a *lousy* martial artist.

Mr. Satan: Nobody's that fast! They're just using camouflage - like the Predator!

Mr. Satan: Or Harry Potter.

Jimmy: ...Harry Potter, sir?

Mr. Satan: My daughter's a big fan.

Perfect Cell: Good, Goku, very good. This is exactly what I've been looking for!

Perfect Cell: Oh, you know... when I became perfect, I was a little scared.

Perfect Cell: Scared that I'd never be able to test these abilities.

Perfect Cell: Like a master surgeon without a patient.

Goku: Or a grill without a burger.

Perfect Cell: Yes, you get it, Goku! And that's why we're here today.

Perfect Cell: You are the only one who can complete me; compete with me!

Perfect Cell: All the others? Ah, they mean nothing!

Perfect Cell: This tournament, this ring; they're all for you.

Perfect Cell: So we could have our perfect battle.

Goku: Well, honestly, you didn't need to go this far. I'm just here for a fight.

Perfect Cell: God, that's what I adore about you. You're so simple!

Perfect Cell: That's what nobody else understands...

Perfect Cell: Now then... how about we slip into something more... comfortable?

Goku: Wait, I'm confused... are you asking me to get naked?

Goku: 'Cause I'm not gonna say no, but I shouldn't say yes...

Goku: Oh crap, guy--!

Everyone Else: YAAAAAA--!!

Krillin: Heh, looks like there's a *hole* in the *ring*!

Krillin: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha--!

Gohan: ...Really?

Krillin: Let me cope!

Mr. Satan: (Whimpering)

Jimmy: Th-tha-thank you for saving us, M-M-Mister, uh...

Android 16: Sixteen.

Android 16: Android 16.

Jimmy: Anything you'd like to say to the audience?

Android 16: I want to murder Son Goku.

Jimmy: Well, you heard it here first, folks.

Random Viewer: Yeah, f**k Goku!

Perfect Cell: I'd feel worse about all the time I spent making our perfect ring, but now that it's gone...

Perfect Cell: we can *fight unabated*!

Goku: Chi-Chi told me that makes you grow hair on your eyes.

Perfect Cell: Killing you will be the hardest thing I ever enjoy.

Larry: Sir, what's our life insurance policy?

Jimmy: Same as our ethics policy!

Larry: Then I'm real glad I don't have a family!

Perfect Cell: Huh?

Krillin: Huh... what's he doing up there? Ooh, you think he's going for a Solar Flare?

Goku: Kaaaa...!

Piccolo: That's *not* how the Solar Flare works!

Perfect Cell: He-- he can't be serious...

Goku: ...Meeeee...!

Trunks: Gettin' Dad flashbacks here!

Goku: ...HAAAA...!

Perfect Cell: Hu, hu-ha-ha-ha, I see!

Perfect Cell: Yes, Goku! You're absolutely *right*!

Perfect Cell: This *is* the only way it can end!

Perfect Cell: This tournament, these fools, this *planet*...! They mean *nothing* to men like you and I!

Perfect Cell: We will go out together... in a ball of molten *rock* and *death*!

Goku: ...MEEEE...!

Krillin: GOKU, *NO*!!

Perfect Cell: *YEESSSS*~!!

Perfect Cell: ...Oh... crapbask*eeeEEEE*--!!!

Goku: ...*HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA*!!!

Jimmy: Larry! Are you alive?!

Larry: Somehow, sir.

Jimmy: Then *get back out there*, Larry!

Yamcha: Ha! Well those guys with the camera better stop rolling, 'cause looks like Cell's going topless! Hu-ha!

Tien: You know, just because everyone somehow survived this... I'm gonna let you have that.

Vegeta: I won't; you suck!

Yamcha: Oh...

Jimmy: God as my witness... It looks like that orange hillbilly has exploded the top of Cell!

Jimmy: Mr. Satan, do you have *any* explanations?

Mr. Satan: Well, if I were a bettin' man - and I am, it's a serious problem - they *combined* the lasers *and* the mirrors *with C4 charges*--

Jimmy: And switched the body out in the ensuing chaos!

Mr. Satan: *Now* you're thinking like a Satanist, Jimmy.

Goku: Awesome. Hey Krillin, can I get a ten-count?

Krillin: You got it, Goku!

Krillin: ONE!

Krillin: Twoooo...!

Perfect Cell: All right, time! Timeout! Time *right* the hell out!

Goku: How did you--?

Perfect Cell: You weren't here for this, but TL;DR... Piccolo's cells.

Piccolo: Okay, I am... 90% sure I can't do that.

Perfect Cell: We'll figure *that* out later.

Perfect Cell: In the meantime, what I really want to know is how *you* keep popping in and out of reality!

Goku: Oh, that's just my Instant Transmission.

Perfect Cell: And don't tell me, is that another technique you stole?

Goku: No... kinda... I got it from eating sick aliens...

Perfect Cell: That's disgusting.

Goku: *You eat people all the time*!

Perfect Cell: Yes. And I'm a monster.

Gohan: Yeah, with all our stolen DNA.

Perfect Cell: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN, *DADS*!

Jimmy: Mr. Satan, can you make heads or tails of this?

Jimmy: Because right now, I'm more confused than a homeless man under house arrest!

Mr. Satan: First of all; I find that offensive.

Jimmy: Why?

Mr. Satan: Secondly, uh...

Mr. Satan: I don't want to give away *all* the trade secrets! Otherwise, what would be left for the kids, Jimmy?

Mr. Satan: What would be left for the *kids*?

Jimmy: Pragmatism at its finest, Mr. Satan.

Bulma: Hey, I'm here. Sorry I'm so late; I had to pick up Trunks from Daycare.

Roshi: Ahh... you brought the baby...

Bulma: Is that a problem?

Roshi: Uhh--... naw, it's fine.

Turtle: He is legally obligated to inform you that he is--

Roshi: Turtle, I've watched her poop! She knows what I'm about.

Perfect Cell: I'll admit, Goku, I'm impressed.

Perfect Cell: A blast that strong should've wiped you, but here you are, still swinging away at me!

Goku: Cell... if I gained *anything* in the days leading up to this tournament, it was endurance.

Chi-Chi: AAH-TUUH!

Ox King: What did you do to him??

Chi-Chi: What *didn't* I do to him?

Ox King: You're just like your mother.

Piccolo: This is bad. The last time I saw Goku this winded, he was having a heart attack.

Piccolo: He can't keep this up.

Trunks: Wait! What about the Senzu Beans?

Trunks: You know - the magical beans that... heal all wounds and... restore your... stamina...?

Trunks: Okay, guys, if you're bothered by cheating, either loosen your moral code or stop hinging the fate of the world on *deathmatches*!

Vegeta: I can't believe you're my son.

Trunks: Hey, you said it, not me.

Vegeta: Kakarot isn't *like you*; he's a full-blooded Saiyan warrior!

Vegeta: He'd throw that Senzu Bean back in your face, because it's not the world that's at stake...

Trunks: I'm pretty sure it is--

Vegeta: ...It's his *Saiyan pride*!

Vegeta: He'll see this fight to the end without any of our help.

Vegeta: Even if it *kills* him.

Goku: I give up.

Vegeta: *I'LL KILL HIM*!!

Perfect Cell: I'm sorry, I'm rather high up here.

Perfect Cell: What did you just say, Goku?!

Goku: I give up! You win! Great fight!

Gohan: Wait, what is he doing?

Piccolo: Well, this is your father, so he's either saving all of our lives or dooming us all.

Perfect Cell: But we're not finished.

Perfect Cell: *I'm* not finished!

Perfect Cell: This isn't a victory; this is... I don't even know *what* this is!

Goku: Nah, it's totally a victory. 'Cause I'm giving up. That means you win.

Perfect Cell: Every word you just spoke has made me violently angry (!)

Vegeta: Every word you just spoke has made me violently angry (!)

Perfect Cell: OH, GREAT! NOW I'M AGREEING WITH VEGETA!

Vegeta: OH, GREAT! NOW I'M AGREEING WITH CELL!

Perfect Cell: LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

Vegeta: LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

Goku: Cell, you knew what this was...

Goku: Just a fight. Nothing more.

Perfect Cell: You bitch (!)

Perfect Cell: If you seriously concede, I'll... I'll just blow up the Earth like I said!

Perfect Cell: So unless you want me to turn this whole planet into an *asteroid field*, *Kakarot*, GET BACK UP HERE AND PUNCH ME IN MY PERFECT JAWLINE!!

Goku: Hold your horses, Cell. You said this was a tournament.

Goku: There's still a fighter left to take you on, so you'll have to fight him first.

Perfect Cell: Oh...? Oh, ohoho, I see...

Perfect Cell: This is a *prank*!

Perfect Cell: My God, I honestly never figured you for a prankster, Goku, but you *son of a bitch*, ya *got* me!

Perfect Cell: Okay, who is it? Is it the Prince?

Perfect Cell: No, it couldn't be; I don't even take my *own* sloppy seconds.

Perfect Cell: The boy?

Perfect Cell: Hardly; he looks like he's about ready to crush coal into diamonds with his sphincter.

Perfect Cell: Oh, could it be Tenshinhan? Please tell me it's Tenshinhan.

Yamcha: Man, it's like a hate boner triangle.

Goku: Nope-a-rino! The fighter I've selected... the fighter who will finally put your terror to an end, is~...

Goku: Mr. Satan! Get out here, you!

Mr. Satan: DIARRHEA!

Goku: Well, shoot. Original plan, then.

Goku: Gohan, get out here!

Gohan: I'm sorry, we're a little high up here. What did he just say, Mr. Piccolo?

Piccolo: I think he just said--

Perfect Cell: *Gohan*?

Perfect Cell: Out of the entire list, you pick... *him*?!

Perfect Cell: He wasn't even *on the list*!

Perfect Cell: *YAMCHA was on the list*!

Yamcha: Wait, why was I--?!

Perfect Cell: Half-time entertainment!

Yamcha: Frankly, I'm just happy to be included.

Goku: Alright, Gohan. He's all yours. Have fun!

Gohan: Dad, I'm going to have to politely ask you to back the HFIL up.

Gohan: What... in Dende's name... are you *doing*?

Goku: I'm sending in the strongest fighter we got.

Goku: *This* is what you trained for.

Gohan: T-That's what *you* trained for! *I* was never supposed to fight! I was just there to make you stronger!

Goku: Oh Gohan, you're just being insincere.

Piccolo: Insecure; and *no, he's not*! HE'S ELEVEN YEARS OLD!

Krillin: Goku, we're not going to tell you how to be a parent right now--

Piccolo: I AM!!

Krillin: --but how do you think *Chi-Chi* is going to react to this?

Chi-Chi: *I am going to castrate him*...!

Ox King: (Wheezing in fright)

Goku: Guys, trust me on this one. I spent a *whole year* training him last week.

Goku: So get out there, Gohan! You got this.

Gohan: Do I even have a choice?

Goku: 'Course you do!

Goku: You either go out there and kill him, or the planet gets exploded.

Gohan: That's not a choice, *that's* an ultimatum.

Goku: Gohan... we *both* know I don't know what that word means.

Gohan: Obviously not.

Gohan: Haaa, OK, fine, I'll go fight Cell...

Gohan: I've never been wished back by the Dragon, so hey, this'll be a learning experience...

Goku: Gohan, wait. Before you go...

Gohan: What?

Goku: ...you're so much stronger than you think you are.

Gohan: Yeah, well, let's see what Cell thinks.

Jimmy: My *goodness*!

Jimmy: The orange hillbilly, previously reported to BEAT HIS WIFE, has resigned himself, and *sent his own child to fight Cell*!

Chi-Chi: ...With a BUTTER KNIFE, you son of a BITCH!

Chi-Chi: I'll tie you to a chair first, and gag you with a GODDAMN DAIKON RADISH!

Perfect Cell: So, the biggest, most important fight of my life walks away, and sends in the world's strongest bookworm!

Perfect Cell: Fine. Goku, I'll play along with this little joke.

Perfect Cell: But I want you to know - while I'm busy *pounding your son*... I'll be thinking of you the entire time.

Gohan: 'Thinking about it, I might actually have the advantage here.'

Gohan: 'He took as much of a beating as Dad did, if not more.'

Gohan: 'And after spending a year with Dad in that Time Chamber, I'm at least as strong as he is now.'

Gohan: 'And then, if I play it carefully, I could actually win this!'

Goku: Oh - hey Krillin? Can you bean me real quick?

Krillin: Oh sure, here.

Goku: Thanks, friend. Hey, Cell!

Perfect Cell: Hmm?

Goku: Senzu Bean!

Krillin: Huh?

Krillin: *NO*!!

Piccolo: *WHAT*!?!

Yamcha: *WHY*!?!

Goku: What? I'm just playing fair. He's tired. He's got post-Goku exhaustion.

Gohan: *Dad*! He is going to *kill me*!!

Perfect Cell: Hey, you said it, not me.

Perfect Cell: OH, THAT'S THAT *GOOD SHIT*!

Perfect Cell: Suck it kale, you bush-league super food.

Gohan: 'Well, war of attrition is out; so, deep end it is...'

Gohan: HAAAAAAAAAA...!

Piccolo: Which one was it, Goku?

Piccolo: *Which concussion did you suffer* that made you think *ANY* of this was a good idea!?!

Goku: Piccolo, just watch.

Goku: You're going to see amazing things out there.

Piccolo: What's amazing about watching your 11-year-old son get murdered?(!)

Goku: Gohan might be 11 years old, but he's also like, I dunno, a hundred times *stronger* than I was at that age!

Piccolo: Goku...

Goku: He's been keeping pace with us since he was a baby.

Goku: I mean, you should know. You kidnapped him.

Piccolo: *Goku*...

Goku: And after spending that year alone with him, I know more than *anyone* that he's going to--

Piccolo: GOKU!

Goku: What!?

Perfect Cell: Thinkin' o' you, Goku!

Jimmy: ...previously reported to BEAT HIS WIFE, has resigned himself, and *sent his own child to fight Cell*!

Videl: Hm... sweet hair.