Episode 57

Perfect Cell: I'm making an *announcement*!

Mr. Satan: I'm gonna squash you... like the bug. You. Are.

Continuity Announcer: ...to decide it all.

Perfect Cell: Are you filming up there?

Continuity Announcer: Join us as it all comes together... AT THE #CELLGAMES, ONLY ON ZTV!

Continuity Announcer: With your boy, Jimmy Firecracker, reporting live on-site, as the mighty Mister Satan takes on the sinister Cell, in a no-holds-barred fight for the fate of the world!

Continuity Announcer: Will it be humanity's last stand?! Or will the devil get his due?!

Continuity Announcer: Find out this Sunday at the Cell Games! Presented by HETAP.

Goku: ♫ Got my wristbands on and my boots are tied ♫

Goku: ♫ Gonna grab my friends and fight a bug guy ♫

Goku: ♫ Doo, doo-doo, today is Fightin' Day ♫

Chi-Chi: Goku!

Goku: Hey, Chi-Chi! You comin' with?

Chi-Chi: What? No! I...

Chi-Chi: Ughh... look...

Chi-Chi: You've already died once.

Chi-Chi: I can take that.

Chi-Chi: I can make peace with that.

Chi-Chi: You're a fighter; and to be honest... it's why I fell in love with you.

Chi-Chi: But Gohan?

Chi-Chi: *Not* Gohan...

Chi-Chi: Not our baby boy.

Goku: Chi-Chi, come on, don't be like that!

Chi-Chi: Goku...

Goku: If Gohan dies, that means the world's doomed anyway - so, what will it matter?

Goku: OK, for the record, we know that I'm not great at this... but you know what I'm *good* at?

Chi-Chi: Leaving?

Goku: *Fighting*~!

Chi-Chi: Agghhh...

Ox-King: Maybe I'll get lucky and Cell and him will just kill each-other.

Chi-Chi: *Daddy*!

Ox-King: Sweetie, I can only afford to support *two* Saiyan mouths, and you've got a bun in the oven.

All Others: Huh?

Goku: Hey, guys! Ha ha!

Goku: Y'all ready for the... for-- for the... tournament...?

Goku: Wow, did someone die?

Goku: Oh gosh, where's Yamcha?!

Krillin: Nobody's dead!

Piccolo: *Yet*.

Goku: Then why are you all so glum, chums?

Goku: Come on! Today is Fightin' Day!

Krillin: Goku, last time I fought Cell, he basically Tambourine'd me.

Piccolo: And he's gone through two transformations since we fought, so... still trying to come to terms on that one, really.

Krillin: Long story short: We're basically just going for moral support.

Goku: Oh, I know. But I'm just so excited, guys! I finally get to *punch him*!

Goku: Right in his handsome face!

Piccolo: *Why* do you keep calling him "handsome"?

Goku: Because that jawline don't lie and neither do I!

Goku: Now let's go! I don't want nobody gettin' a swing at Cell before me!

Krillin: Ah, sure. Like anyone else would be *dumb* enough to show up...

Jimmy: Jimmy Firecracker here, live from the Cell Games, presented by HETAP!

Jimmy: Because apparently nobody else would take this job.

Jimmy: But don't worry about me. Because Jimmy Firecrack corn and he don't give a f**k!

Jimmy: He'll take any job! He'll take every job! He'll take YOUR job!

Jimmy: And speaking of jobs... nobody else is here yet.

Jimmy: Will Jimmy Firecracker have to get in that ring?

Jimmy: Does Jimmy Firecracker gotta come down there *and SLAP that perfect jawline*?!

Jimmy: It looks like Cell is saved the wrath of Jimmy Firecracker as his first opponent has arrived.

Jimmy: I'm receiving words that This. Is. Him, Folks! The Man! The Legend! The Winner Of The 24th World Martial Arts Tournament!

Jimmy: MISTERR SATANNNN!

Perfect Cell: Maybe shouldn't have made this an open invite...

Jimmy: The Champ has stepped up into the ring!

Jimmy: Better update that TV-PG to TV-MA, 'cuz you're about to see a *full-blown-massacre*!

Jimmy: Wait, what's this?

Jimmy: The Champ is calling us down!

Jimmy: Come on, Larry! What do I always say?

Larry: Where there's smoke, there's Firecracker, sir!

Jimmy: Yer goddang right!

Jimmy: Mr. Satan, sir!

Jimmy: What do you have to say to your adoring public?

Mr. Satan: First, to all the kids at home:

Mr. Satan: *Do not* recreate the violence you are about to see.

Mr. Satan: Unless you buy the new *Mr. Satan Action Figure*!

Mr. Satan: On sale now, in stores everywhere!

Jimmy: And why, Mr. Satan, have you come here today?

Mr. Satan: Well, aside from being sponsored by HETAP, MR. SATAN NEVER BACKS DOWN FROM A CHALLENGE!

Mr. Satan: Not when it comes to evil! Vile! Wretched! Contemptible! Wicked! Monstrous! Inhuman! Dishonorable! Nefarious...!

Perfect Cell: *Definitely* shouldn't have made this an open invite...!

Gohan: Oh, hey! It's Tenshinhan and Yamcha!

Goku: Hiya, guys? How ya doin'?

Tien: Just heading towards the arena.

Tien: Vegeta passed us earlier; flipped us off. So that was a good way to start the morning.

Yamcha: Yeah, but we totally flipped him off back.

Tien: *I* flipped him off back. You just waved and laughed nervously.

Yamcha: Look, I don't have your mutually-sustained hate-boner for the guy, OK?

Tien: I don't have a *hate-boner* for him.

Yamcha: Dude, it's a pretty hateful boner.

Mr. Satan: ...Baneful! Iniquitous! Execrable...! *Villain like you*!

Mr. Satan: Now... what d'ya haf'ta say ta THAT?!

Mr. Satan: Oh, what's the matter? Satan gotch'er tongue?

Perfect Cell: Are you sure about this?

Mr. Satan: Speak up, bug-boy!

Perfect Cell: You look like an extra from a budget porno flick.

Perfect Cell: The kind where *everyone* gets tested afterwards. Even the cameramen.

Mr. Satan: Oh... um, you're--

Perfect Cell: Did they find you in the subway?

Perfect Cell: Were you homeless?

Perfect Cell: Did you get your start in bum fights?

Mr. Satan: This is getting oddly personal...

Perfect Cell: Do you have any actual friends?

Perfect Cell: Any relationships at all that aren't about your money or your position?

Mr. Satan: ...I have a daughter.

Perfect Cell: Oh, that poor orphan.

Mr. Satan: C--can we can we cut to commercial?

Jimmy: Another man has just touched down at the arena!

Jimmy: Uh-uh-sir! Are you looking to take on the terrifying Perfect Cell?

Vegeta: Get that mic out of my face before I give you a colonoscopy with your camera.

Jimmy: Message received, violent stranger!

Perfect Cell: Answer the question, Prince!

Perfect Cell: Do you plan to take me on?

Perfect Cell: Because I'm ready to throw down when you are, buddy!

Perfect Cell: Come on, let's toss you through a mountain or five for old times' sake.

Perfect Cell: ...The old "silent treatment", is it?

Perfect Cell: Don't tell me you came all the way out here just to stand around and look mean~! (Chuckles)

Perfect Cell: Ohhh~, I see! You took my advice~!

Vegeta: (Growling)

Perfect Cell: You're waiting for...

Android 16: Goku!

Perfect Cell: Hm?

Perfect Cell: My dear Android 16!

Perfect Cell: How *wonderful* for you to join us today!

Perfect Cell: Are you here for--

Android 16: Goku!

Perfect Cell: Of course; your little murder-crush.

Jimmy: And another mysterious stranger has appeared from thin air!

Jimmy: Where do these people keep coming from?

Jimmy: And who does their hair?!

Mr. Satan: Obviously they're just hidin' behind rocks, waitin' to make their dramatic entrances, and usin' cranes and wires to make it look like they're flyin'.

Mr. Satan: Similar to the practical effects we used in Skygina II: Mr. Satan vs. Dr. Brain-Man!

Mr. Satan: In theatres Friday!

Perfect Cell: Will you be participating in the Games as well, Sixteen?

Perfect Cell: Or are you just going to sit on the sidelines like the Prince over here?

Vegeta: Hmmm!

Android 16: GOKU!

Perfect Cell: OK, are you seriously just gonna say his name over and over?

Android 16: HE IS HERE!

Perfect Cell: Hm?

Perfect Cell: And our roster is complete.

Perfect Cell: I hope this day finds you well, Son Goku.

Goku: Slept a little weird on my arm, but, yeah.

Perfect Cell: I see you've brought the whole gang along to witness our battle.

Perfect Cell: Piccolo, Trunks...*Tenshinhan*.

Tien: Ki-ko-how ya doing?

Perfect Cell: *Perfect*.

Perfect Cell: And Yamcha! What a surprise! How's it going, man?

Yamcha: Oh, uh, good...

Yamcha: I brought towels and water bottles.

Perfect Cell: And like that, you've already contributed more than Vegeta.

Android 16: Hello, little duckling.

Krillin: He-hey, Sixteen! Looks like they fixed up your dome real nice, huh buddy?

Android 16: Indeed. I am now operating at 100% efficiency.

Android 16: And for some reason, register 10 kilograms lighter.

Krillin: Good on ya, buddy! Ya look great!

Goku: Oh, hi! I'm Son Goku! Who are you?

Goku: Huh?

Android 16: ♫ I have waited oh so long ♫

Android 16: ♫ Please don't tell me baby ♫

Android 16: ♫ I was wrong ♫

Android 16: ♫ Dreaming of you every night ♫

Android 16: ♫ Holding back until the time was right ♫

Android 16: ♫ I've counted the days ♫

Goku: ...This guy's *intense*.

Mr. Satan: Yeah, uh, I get paid for every second I'm on camera, so if we could just--

Jimmy: Excuse me, sir? Are you or any of your freakish-looking friends participating in the tournament today?

Goku: Oh yeah! I'ma go punch that Cell a lot!

Goku: In fact, if you don't mind, I'ma gun go do that right now!

Mr. Satan: *OK, enough*!

Jimmy: Aah!

Jimmy: F**k!

Mr. Satan: I am not playing second-fiddle to a buncha gym rats with too much time on their hands!

Mr. Satan: *I* am the World Martial Arts Champion, and *I* will be the one to defeat Cell!

Goku: (Gasp!)

Goku: There was a tournament?

Goku: You won a tournament?!

Goku: *I* WON A TOURNAMENT!

Goku: That means he's even stronger than Krillin!

Krillin: Wait, hold u-- uh, why me specifically?!

Goku: Dang it, and I really wanted a turn!

Goku: Oh well. I guess we'll just have to let *The Champ* handle it.

Piccolo: Are you for real right now?

Goku: Yeah - he's The Champ! He's got this.

Piccolo: I can't tell if he's serious - and that's very concerning.

Mr. Satan: Good! Now that we have rank all sorted out,

Mr. Satan: I think it's about time I teach Cell where he falls: Specifically at my feet!

Mr. Satan: When I, Mr. Satan, end this little freak-show, once and for--

Piiza: Hope y'all ready to get down and dirty with the three hottest stars from the Y Network!

Piiza: (Y'all ready?)

Jimmy: What's this? New challengers from the bitter rivals of ZTV?!

Mr. Satan: Like we don't got enough knuckleheads hoggin' mah spotlight!

Piiza: Coming to you live from the Cell Games Arena, it's Piiza!

Piroshiki: Piroshiki!

Caroni: And Caroni!

Caroni: And we are--

Jimmy: ...Di--

Jimmy: ...Did those people just die??

Mr. Satan: Pfft! Don't be an idiot, Jimmy.

Mr. Satan: Obviously that was just an unmanned remote-controlled cargo robot with a voice-recordi--

Mr. Satan: ...and filled with fake cadavers for added effect!

Mr. Satan: I'll give 'em points for effort, tho.

Jimmy: Mr. Satan ain't no one's fool!

Goku: Go Champ!

Mr. Satan: Grrrrrh!

Krillin: If we're lucky, it'll be that quick with this Satan guy, uh?

Gohan: Krillin, people are dying and we're just watching.

Krillin: Yup!

Mr. Satan: Now, Cell... if that is your real name...

Perfect Cell: It's actually *Perfect* Cell--

Mr. Satan: IT'S ACTUALLY "GARBAGE"!

Mr. Satan: And Mr. Satan's gonna take out the trash.

Perfect Cell: Wait, you were serious?! You're actually gonna *fight*?

Perfect Cell: I thought you were just somebody's hype man.

Mr. Satan: I AM THE HYPE!

Vegeta: KILL HIM!

Mr. Satan: Now try to get this on camera, Gary!

Larry: L-- Larry.

Mr. Satan: 'Cus I'm gonna end this in a single blow, and it's gonna be *faster than light*!

Mr. Satan: SATAN... PUUUU--!

Android 16: Hello my name is Sixteen may I please kill you?

Goku: [To Krillin] Hold on. What'cha say?

Android 16: ...Nothing.