Episode 56

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Krillin: Man, it feels like years since you and I just went fishing and chilled out.

Krillin: And of all times, right before a tournament to decide the fate of the world...

Krillin: Weird how stuff works out, am I right?

Goku: Nobody knows, Krillin.

Krillin: Huh?

Goku: Nobody knows the weight on my shoulders.

Goku: I feel it... every day.

Goku: Before I go to bed, when I wake up in the morning...

Goku: Sometimes, I wonder... Can I do this?

Krillin: Wow, I, uh... I had no idea this Cell stuff was getting to you so badly.

Goku: "Cell stuff"?

Goku: I'm talking about Chi-Chi.

Krillin: Chi-Chi?

Goku: She's been non-stop!

Goku: Ever since I got out of the Chamber!

Goku: In and out, day in and day out!

Goku: She'll send Gohan for groceries five counties over in the middle of the day just to get him out of the house!

Krillin: You... know you can say "no", right?

Goku: Well, duh!

Goku: But it's a *challenge*, Krillin!

Goku: And I never back down from a challenge.

Goku: ...Also, it feels really good!

Goku: Have you ever tried it?

Krillin: Like... with a real person?

Gohan: Hey, Dad?

Gohan: Mom sent me to tell you to come home.

Gohan: She also told me to pick up a lot of... peanut butter?

Goku: Krillin...

Krillin: Look, if you're asking me to tag in, I'm willing but—

Goku: Wha... NO!

Goku: Catch more fish while I'm gone!

Krillin: Oh, duh! Of course, like that'd ever work...

Goku: Yeah, no, it... But if you had a wig...

Presenter: And now, introducing your World Martial Arts Champion, the strongest man on the planet... Misteeeeeer... SATAAAAAAN!

Yamcha: Wait... Martial Arts Champion--?

Yamcha: Uh, did we miss a tournament?!

Roshi: Yeah, there was one last month.

Krillin: Damn it, we were busy training for the Androids!

Roshi: What do either of you care?

Yamcha: Prize money!

Krillin: Prize money!

Presenter: Mr. Satan, what do you have to say to your opponent?

Mr. Satan: Now you listen here, "Cell".

Mr. Satan: I know why you gave everyone a week to prepare for your *little tournament*!

Mr. Satan: It's so you could spend the last seven days on Earth prayin'... that MR. SATAN WOULDN'T SHOW UP!

Mr. Satan: So after I eat my Jimmy John's, and drink my HETAP, AND F*** MY HOT ASIAN WIFE...!

Mr. Satan: I'm gonna squash you like the bug... you... are.

Presenter: Mr. Satan, everybody!

Yamcha: So... do they know what's going on with his name, or—

Goku: Guys! I need help with my hot Asian wife!

Chi-Chi: Who told you you could LEAVE THE BEDROOM?!

Goku: Guys... don't tell her I'm here...!

Journalist: This is bullshit, man!

Journalist: This is suicide...!

Crew Leader: Dude, pull your balls out of your purse, and do your job.

Journalist: Okay, *that's* sexist as hell!

Crew Leader: Yeah, it's sexist.

Crew Leader: And do you know what's standing out there?

Crew Leader: A Pulitzer! Now go get it!

Journalist: Uh, um, uh... hello.

Perfect Cell: Hello, there! How may I help you?

Journalist: W-well... M-Mr. Cell!

Perfect Cell: Oh, please now... don't be so formal!

Perfect Cell: Call me "Perfect Cell".

Journalist: Uh... okay. Perfect Cell—

Perfect Cell: MISTER Perfect Cell!

Journalist: M-M-Mr. Perfect Cell!

Journalist: Can you tell the audience where you are and who you came from?

Journalist: I-I-I mean---

Perfect Cell: No, actually, an *apt* choice of words!

Perfect Cell: As for the "where", this is the immaculate Cell Games Arena.

Perfect Cell: As for "who", well... hmph.

Perfect Cell: Let me weave you the tale of my origin.

Perfect Cell: Though I must preface that it does drag on in places, so I'll try to minimize the filler.

Perfect Cell: Now... our story begins as many stories often do: With a young girl shooting a little boy in the face.

Goku: (Yawning)

Krillin: You, uh... okay, buddy?

Krillin: You look exhausted.

Goku: Uh-huh... I didn't get a wink last night.

Goku: Chi-Chi keeps trying to break my record of nine times.

Goku: "Go for ten," she yells... "GO for TEN!"

Krillin: I feel like a man dying of thirst watching another man drown.

Goku: Well, you know what they say:

Goku: A Saiyan gets stronger every time he comes... (Yawn) ...back from the brink of death.

Krillin: Well, where is she now?

Goku: She's looking for something in the other room.

Chi-Chi: 'Come on, I know we had another bottle of it somewhere around here.'

Chi-Chi: 'I will use canola oil if I have—'

Ghost: Boo!

Chi-Chi: Ow! Damn ghosts!

Krillin: So why don't you just... I don't know, "strategically withdraw"?

Goku: No can do.

Goku: She said she needs ALL of it.

Krillin: I MEANT, just disappear for a little bit to recharge your... "batteries".

Goku: Well, it is strategy... but we can't use the back door.

Goku: Chi-Chi says I'm not allowed to anymore.

Kami: 'You should talk to him.'

Piccolo: 'What? Why would I?'

Nail: 'Because you could *both* use more friends.'

Piccolo: 'I am TERRIBLE at small talk.'

Kami: 'And you're never going to get better unless you try.'

Kami: 'Now, go on...'

Piccolo: So... uh... do you hate your dad?

Trunks: Huh?

Trunks: Uhh...

Kami: '*Wow*'.

Kami: 'You were not wrong.'

Piccolo: 'SEE?!'

Trunks: Ehh, you know, I wouldn't say I hate him.

Trunks: I guess I'm mostly just disappointed.

Trunks: He's the single most frustrating man I've ever met.

Trunks: Heh... but you know dads, right?

Piccolo: Goku killed mine.

Trunks: Oh... geez, uh...

Trunks: S-sorry, I—

Nail: 'Oh, perfect! He's just as bad as you are.'

Goku: Please tell me nobody here wants a piece of me.

Trunks: Uhh, well, when Dad's out of the Chamber, he'll probably want a swing at you.

Goku: I *knew it*!

Gohan: Why did you bring us both along?

Goku: Because if your mother questioned you, you'd *talk*.

Gohan: Yeah, I would...

Krillin: So, Piccolo! How's the Time Chamber?

Piccolo: I don't want to talk about it.

Krillin: Yeaaaah, probably not going to bother going in myself.

Krillin: At this point, either you guys can beat Cell or you can't.

Krillin: No use risking my life without the reset button on hand.

Gohan: Wow... I hadn't even thought about that.

Gohan: We live in a world without Dragon Balls now!

Trunks: Oh, yeah. That sounds terrible... I'm so sorry.

Gohan: It's alright. We'll manage.

Trunks: ...I can't be mad at you.

Goku: I don't get it. Why can't *you* just make us some new Dragon Balls, Piccolo?

Piccolo: Because, Goku, I'm from the warrior clan. *Kami* was from the dragon clan.

Piccolo: One punches people; the other makes Dragon Balls.

Gohan: Wait, but you two come from the same pers—

Piccolo: *So*, if you want Dragon Balls, you need another Namekian.

Gohan: ...uh, oh...

Krillin: What about New Namek?

Krillin: I bet there's a whole gaggle of Namekians who can make us a new set.

Piccolo: We'd have to *find* New Namek first, and who knows where that is!

Piccolo: Also, "gaggle"?

Krillin: Well, what would you call them?

Krillin: A pod of Namekians? ...A pride?

Piccolo: A cornucopia. What do you call a group of humans?

Popo: An infestation.

Piccolo: Point is, without a Namekian from the dragon clan, we aren't getting any Dragon Ball—

Everyone: Huh?!

Goku: Is this a dragon whatsit?

Dende: WHERE AM I?!

Dende: WHO ARE YOU?!

Dende: WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!

Dende: ...Hey.

Perfect Cell: And so it turns out... *he was an alien the whole time*!

Journalist: *Whoa*! I did not see that coming!

Perfect Cell: Right?! So, two more Saiyans show up a year later...

Journalist: Wait, what about Goku's brother?

Perfect Cell: Oh, he died.

Perfect Cell: Anyway...

Perfect Cell: Enter: Vegeta. Now... (Chuckle), strap yourself in for this cartoon character!

Bulma: Hey, Dad? Can you come take a look at this?

Dr. Briefs: What is it, pumpkin? Find Gero's *porn stash*~?

Bulma: No! I mean... ugh, maybe?

Bulma: I found this hidden folder.

Bulma: It was completely inaccessible to him, and it's full of incomplete and corrupted files.

Bulma: But there's one undamaged video here.

Dr. Briefs: Well, then, open 'er up!

Dr. Briefs: Also, Ƶ5,000 says it's interracial.

Bulma: Ugh...

Dr. Briefs: Oh, *now* you find it gross!

May 12th, 750... 4:30 PM. Red Ribbon HQ.

Bulma: Wait... why does that date sound familiar?

Hey, Dad. I, uh... I'm here at headquarters, getting everything put away.

No bunkmate, so... room to myself... which is good for a guy my size.

Heh... (sniff)

Well, uh...

I just wanted to, you know... record something for you, since you and Uncle Frap are busy building robot guys and stuff.

I know you're calling them "artificial humans" now, but... that name is way too long.

I mean, what about "cyborg"?

Like, from that movie we saw?

Hm.

Well, uh... just wanted you to know that I... miss you, Dad.

What the—

Soldier: Hey, get your ass moving!

Soldier: Some *thing* is tearing its way through the compound!

Kid Goku: Kaaa...

Soldier: We've gotta go!

Kid Goku: meee...

Uhh... okay, sorry about this, Dad.

Kid Goku: haaa...

Kid Goku: meee...

Got to run. Love you.

Kid Goku: HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Good luck with your cybor—

Bulma: ...*Jesus*!

Dr. Briefs: Yeah, that's a hell of a bomb to drop.

Bulma: Oh. That reminds me.

Bulma: I also found this.

Dr. Briefs: Huh.

Dr. Briefs: At least Gero was consistent.

Bulma: By the way, you owe me Ƶ5,000.

Dr. Briefs: Ah, daughter of a bastard!

Piccolo: ...And that's why we need you, Dende.

Dende: Okay, let me just clarify what has happened: THAT asshole—

Goku: Name's Goku!

Dende: —literally kidnapped me from across the entire galaxy, with neither my knowledge or consent, just so you could make me mystic you up a new set of Dragon Balls!

Dende: Because you are all a cavalcade of f***-ups.

Dende: Did I miss anything?

Piccolo: Well, we missed you.

Dende: Good. No, great, that's great!

Dende: And what do I get out of this? Going to make me your king?

Krillin: Well, can't do that; King's a dog.

Krillin: But we can make you God, though!

Dende: The f***'s a god?

Dende: I mean, what the f***'s a dog?!

Dende: I mean, what the f***?!

Popo: As the creator of the Dragon Balls, you shall assume the throne of Kami, Guardian of this planet.

Popo: Nobody is thankful, there are no days off, and no one ever visits.

Dende: Ugh, sounds like being a parent...

Dende: Fine. I graciously accept the position of your almighty God.

Trunks: So then you'll help us?

Dende: No, bowlcut! I'm going to help Gohan.

Dende: Speaking of whom... lovin' the new 'do, Gohan.

Dende: Rockin' that blond.

Gohan: Oh! Uh... thanks!

Gohan: Super Saiyan style, you know?

Dende: De-hee-lightful.

Dende: And, uh, have you been hitting the gym? 'Cause, uh...

Dende: (Whistle)

Piccolo: Ow!

Dende: (Whistle)

Dende: That hurt me more than it hurt you.

Piccolo: Okay, I'm all for awkward reunions, but we are on a timetable here.

Piccolo: How long will it take to make a new Dragon?

Dende: Uh, depends. Do you have the original sculpture around?

Popo: Here it is. We were using it as a paperweight.

Popo: Which reminds me: We'll need to go over the contract later.

Dende: Wow, that's your Dragon?

Dende: Our Dragon would literally wear him like a scarf.

Dende: Okay, before I get started: Any alterations?

Piccolo: Can we get three wishes?

Dende: Not if you want multi-res.

Dende: I can give you two, though.

Piccolo: Seems like an... awkward number.

Dende: It's a magical wish-granting dragon, Nail! I don't make the rules!

Dende: Now... let us begin.

Krillin: Man, all this lore we're learning today, and we even get to see a new Dragon being made!

Krillin: This is going to be awes—

Dende: HEY, DRAGON, WAKE THE F*** UP!

Dende: IT'S ALREADY PAST NOON! GET YOUR *LIFE* TOGETHER!

Dende: By the way, two wishes means I had to nix immortality.

Dende: Better that way—nobody pulling any more of that Freeza *shit*.

Gohan: Huh. I wonder if that'll upset Vegeta.

Gohan: Wait... did you say he's still in the Chamber?

Trunks: Yeah; why?

Gohan: It's been three days!

Popo: Oh, I muted the time dilation in the Chamber.

Popo: One day out here is now one day in there.

Gohan: You can do that?!

Gohan: Why did you do that?!

Popo: Because f*** 'im.

Dende: You really like screwin' with people, don't cha?

Popo: Mm.

Popo: Of course, his first mistake was going in alone.

Piccolo: Why? Is that... bad?

Vegeta: They called me crazy...

Vegeta: THEY ALL CALLED ME CRAZY for letting him achieve his perfect form!

Vegeta: Well, guess what?

Vegeta: I'm going to get out of here!

Vegeta: I'M GOING TO BE SO MUCH STRONGER!

Vegeta: *NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO STOP ME*!! ESPECIALLY CELL!

Vegeta: RIGHT, NAPPA?!

Vegeta: How...

Vegeta: HOW DARE YOU!?!

Vegeta: *RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH—*!!!

Vegeta: Showed him.

Perfect Cell: So after everything, he just starts *crying*!

Journalist: Wow... like a *bitch*!

Perfect Cell: And that's what Freeza said!

Perfect Cell: ...Before he killed him.

Perfect Cell: But, sadly, Vegeta does come back.

Journalist: Dragon Balls, right.

Journalist: By the way, does the fat green one come back?

Journalist: 'Cause he's funny.

Perfect Cell: (Scoffs) I wish!

Goku: Hey, Chi-Chi?

Goku: Please don't be upset, but—

Chi-Chi: What is it, sweetheart?

Goku: I'm throwing in the towel.

Goku: I am *tapped*.

Goku: Like, boned dry.

Goku: You know in those cartoons where the guy in the desert finds a faucet, and it just comes out like...

Goku: *That* is me.

Goku: That is my balls.

Goku: And speaking of balls, I need to go find a dragon's.

Chi-Chi: Oh, Goku darling, that's fine!

Chi-Chi: I took a test this morning.

Chi-Chi: I'm already pregnant!

Goku: ...HOW?!

Dr. Briefs: And so I told him, "Pull your pants up, man," "I'm not that kind of doctor!"

Goku: Bulma! Sex makes babies!

Bulma: ...I'm well aware.

Goku: Also, I need the Dragon Radar.

Bulma: Tool cabinet in the back, third drawer.

Goku: Awesome!

Goku: Bee-tee-dubs, we have Dragon Balls again.

Goku: Bye!

Bulma: Wait, we didn't have Dragon Balls?

Goku: Oh, and Chi-Chi's pregnant.

Bulma: Oh my God, congratulations!

Gohan: Okay, so Article Five says that atrocities can *and will* be committed in your name... but you can't do anything about it.

Dende: Awesome. But, question:

Dende: Do I have to answer all of these prayers?

Gohan: Well, technically, you don't have to answer any of them.

Dende: Oh, thank God!

Dende: Or I guess I should start saying... me.

Gohan: That does raise the question...

Gohan: Which do you prefer: "Kami", "God", or "Dende"?

Dende: Oh Gohan, you can call me whatever you like.

Popo: Well, I'm going to call you Little Green.

Dende: Your funeral.

Popo: *I like you*.

Krillin: Don't feel bad, Mr. Popo.

Krillin: I'm his best friend, so that means only *I* can call him Little Green, right, Little Gree—

Krillin: OOF!

Dende: You will call me Dende!

Dende: DENDE!

Dende: SAY IT!

Dende: Say my name!

Krillin: Dende! DENDE!

Dende: No...

Dende: *Super Kami Dende*.

Perfect Cell: So after I finished humiliating the entire Saiyan royal bloodline, I made my newsroom debut, delivered my immaculate address, and now... here we are.

Perfect Cell: Any more questions?

Journalist: Yeah, um...

Journalist: Were the parts about fake Namek and that Maron girl really necessary to the story?

Perfect Cell: It's called "world-building".

Journalist: Right...

Journalist: Um, last question:

Journalist: *How* did you know about the parts you weren't there for?

Perfect Cell: Ah, that's a story for another time, I'm afraid.

Perfect Cell: But for now, I must bid you adieu.

Journalist: Oh.

Journalist: Well, thank you for your time, Perfect Cell.

Perfect Cell: MISTER... Perfect Cell.