Episode 54

Chi-Chi: Gohan, where are you?!

Gohan: Eh-huh?

Chi-Chi: You've been slacking on your maths!

Gohan: Mo- *Mom*? What're *you* doing here?

Piccolo: I-I'm sorry, Go-chan! She overpowered me!

Gohan: Go-wha...?

Chi-Chi: If you fall behind on your vector calculus, how are you going to do your taxes?!

Chi-Chi: We don't have the money to PAY people for that!

Gohan: Mom, I'm... trying to help save the world here...

Chi-Chi: What world is there if you have no idea how to prove or disprove the Riemann hypothesis??

Gohan: The same one we live in now...? I guess?

Chi-Chi: If you wanted to squander your potential and disappoint everyone, you should just become a POLITICIAN!

Chi-Chi: Now... where is your father?

Piccolo: Yeah, where is he?

Perfect Cell: Yes...

Chi-Chi: Huh?

Perfect Cell: Where's Goku?

Chi-Chi: Eh?

Gohan: Oh, thank God-- I mean, OH MY GOD!

Piccolo: (Gurgle)

Perfect Cell: My dear Gohan...

Piccolo: URARGH--!

Gohan: (Whimpering)

Perfect Cell: there's something you should know...

Gohan: (Whimpering)

Perfect Cell: I... love... you... sonnnn...

Gohan: WAAH--!!

Gohan: OH, MY GOD!! (Shrieking)

Goku: Why ya trippin', Gohan?

Gohan: A nightmare...

Gohan: A *terrible* nightmare!

Goku: Oh.

Goku: Was it the one where your Mom and Piccolo come in, then Cell shows up and kills them, then suddenly he has my face, and it's all like, "Whaaaaa..."?

Gohan: ...Yes!

Goku: Aw, it's all good! I've been having that one for a week.

Gohan: ...I think we've been in here too long.

Goku: Eeeehhhh... maybe just a little...

Goku: ♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫

Goku: ♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)

Goku: ♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)

Goku: ♫ Sparking! [fading echo] ♫

Piccolo: So, a development.

Piccolo: Cell's gone.

Bulma: Wait, so... Trunks won?

Tien: No, he split.

Tien: As in grabbed his metaphorical shit and flew off.

Bulma: After killing Trunks?!

Piccolo: No.

Bulma: Vegeta?!

Piccolo: Nobody's dead!

Tien: ...Yet.

Piccolo: I think he just got bored and... left.

Bulma: So... we won then?

Piccolo: No!

Tien: Oh, my God...!

Trunks: (Screaming)

Krillin: Ah, jeez, he's taking it pretty rough...

Vegeta: It's pathetic. Find some honor in defeat, for God's sake.

Krillin: View must be great from that glass house of yours...

Vegeta: Hmm?!

Krillin: We should go check on him!

Trunks: I... I'm sorry.

Trunks: I did my best, but... he just *toyed with me*!

Trunks: And I couldn't do anything.

Trunks: And in the end... I wasn't even important enough to *kill*.

Vegeta: Sucks, doesn't it--?!

Vegeta: I mean, sssucks to be you!

Vegeta: Yeah, that was it...

Krillin: Again, guys. C'mon, it's just me.

Krillin: Krillin: Everyone's Friend.

Android 16: I would like more friends...

Trunks: Huh?

Krillin: Huh?

Android 16: I seem to have misplaced mine when Cell...

Android 16: ...oh.

Trunks: You've gotta be kidding me. I would never be friends with you!

Android 16: I was not speaking to you.

Android 16: I was speaking to the duck.

Krillin: Well, quack quack, big guy, any friend of Eighteen is a friend of mine.

Krillin: Let's get you all patched up.

Android 16: You are the pluckiest duck.

Krillin: Together, we shall be the Bird and the "B".

Krillin: The "B" stands for-- ...Brobot!

Android 16: ...*Yes*...

Trunks: ...What am I watching?

Vegeta: I don't know, but I hate it.

Trunks: Well, hopefully he doesn't try and screw *this* one.

Vegeta: Ha! No robo.

Perfect Cell: Aaah yes, the perfect place for my Cell G--

Panchy: Oh? Vegeta!

Panchy: It's been so long! How was space?

Vegeta: Hello, MILF.

Panchy: Oh Veggie, I'm a grandmother now!

Panchy: Call me GILF.

Vegeta: Your culture is so confusing...

Panchy: Oho! And *who* is this lavender-haired gentleman you brought with you?

Trunks: HA-HM...!

Krillin: Grandkid from the future. Leave the swingin' for the park.

Panchy: Phooey...

Krillin: Now, where Bulma at? We got an Android in DESPERATE need of repair.

Dr. Briefs: Why come to the acorn when you have the mighty oak?!

Dr. Briefs: I taught Bulma everything she knows!

Dr. Briefs: Except the dangers of miscegenation, apparently.

Krillin: Heck, if you're volunteering to help, we won't say no.

Dr. Briefs: Just try to keep the house-guests to a minimum.

Dr. Briefs: We *just* got rid of Yajirobe, and we BARELY have enough food to accommodate anyone--

Roshi: Whaddup bitches, where my GILF at?!

Dr. Briefs: ...else.

Dr. Briefs: Alrighty!

Dr. Briefs: I'm going to hook your internal OS up to my system.

Dr. Briefs: There may be some involuntary oil release, that's natural.

Dr. Briefs: Aaannd...

Dr. Briefs: Good God! How long has this been running?!

Android 16: How long has *what* been running?

Dr. Briefs: We're just going to close that for a moment--

Dr. Briefs: ...Well, bird's the word!

Trunks: ...and then he just flew off.

Trunks: Now we don't know where he is, or what he's planning.

Krillin: Well, plus side - you're alive.

Trunks: Oh! Thanks for the consolation.

Krillin: Hey, don't knock it - sometimes you ain't so lucky.

Roshi: Yeah...

Yamcha: Ya-huh.

Vegeta: Mm-hm.

Chiaotzu: Yepyepyep!

Trunks: Wait a second - have all five of you died?!

Krillin: Ohoho, yeah! Chiaotzu and I twice!

Krillin: First round was basically just Piccolo's Dad being a dick.

Chiaotzu: Yep, second time I blew myself up trying to kill Vegeta's dumbass friend...

Chiaotzu: Now he's out there making movies or some shit.

Trunks: Oh, wait - so how did Yamcha die?

Yamcha: UH... um...

Vegeta: Oh-ho yes, go ahead! Tell us how you died!

Vegeta: I'll fact-check.

Yamcha: On my feet!

Yamcha: Like a man!

Vegeta: Well, you're half right.

Roshi: If you're finished picking on Yamcha,

Vegeta: NEVER!

Roshi: We've got bigger fish to fry.

Roshi: Cell's out there, and we have no idea what insidious plot he's brewin'...!

Perfect Cell: How did all these *squares* make a *circle*?! I just...

Perfect Cell: No, no, it's fine, it's fine, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me, it bothers me, it bothers me a lot!

Perfect Cell: AND THAT ONE'S STILL GREEN!!

Dr. Briefs: Thanks to the schematics Bulma brought me, I *should* be able to repair you.

Dr. Briefs: However, after rooting around in your system for a bit, I've discovered that you're missing an extensive portion of data.

Dr. Briefs: Unfortunately, Gero's server was destroyed with his lab, soooo...

Android 16: That is fine.

Android 16: I am my own android.

Android 16: I will live my life accordingly - faults, and all.

Dr. Briefs: I could always give you a sick Gatling gun...

Android 16: Appreciated, but unnecessary.

Android 16: What is that creature on your shoulder?

Dr. Briefs: This? Oh, this is my pussycat.

Android 16: May I touch your pussy?

Scratch: (Meow of uncertainty)

Dr. Briefs: As long as you don't crush it.

Android 16: Hello, pussycat.

Android 16: It is licking me now.

Android 16: Should I... lick the pussy?

Chi-Chi: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Trunks: But Chi-Chi, if and when we have to fight Cell again, we're going to need Gohan.

Chi-Chi: What you *need*, is to get it through your heads.

Chi-Chi: I told Goku he could TRAIN with Gohan!

Chi-Chi: I never said *anything* about letting him FIGHT!

Krillin: You cannot keep him out of this; he's a fighter!

Chi-Chi: He's *ten*!

Krillin: And he's the *third* strongest fighter I know!

Vegeta: ...Who's the fourth?

Krillin: Uuuuhhmm...

Chi-Chi: I'm a fighter too, ya know?

Chi-Chi: How do you think *I* landed the strongest man on the planet?

Vegeta: Arguably.

Chi-Chi: Do not make me come over there, I will rip your world a-f***ing-sunder!

Vegeta: Hmmm!

Chi-Chi: Look, I might be books in and books out, but that's because I want something *better* for my son, instead of surviving off prize money and welfare.

Chi-Chi: Now, I know that I can't stop him, but if he fights and gets hurt, or God forbid, *dies*, and any of you could've stopped it...

Chi-Chi: There's no dragon in this UNIVERSE that will save you from me.

Vegeta: Don't make me come over there...

Perfect Cell: Finally!

Perfect Cell: It is complete!

Perfect Cell: * Perfectly square * A fine marble white * And a full twenty-four by twenty--

Perfect Cell: ...Let it go, Cell...

Perfect Cell: you have shit to do.

Actor 1: Hey man is... that the last Hetap?

Actor 2: Yeah, and it's allll mine!

Actor 2: Ah! Aah! Oh God! Oh Jesus, whyyyyy...?!

Hetap Announcer: "Hetap: C'mon, you've killed for less..."

Vegeta: 'That's not UNtrue...'

Krillin: Hey, so, not that I mind a good ol' veg sesh, but do we need EVERYONE for this?

Trunks: You guys can go ahead and take off. I'll stick around and watch for Cell.

Trunks: It's been kind of neat to watch old TV shows.

Trunks: I checked out the country music channel earlier!

Trunks: Did you know that country is actually awful?

Yamcha: Well then, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna hit the gym.

Yamcha: Make sure I'm ready for if Cell comes back.

Krillin: Oh, can I join ya? We'll make a day out of it, get some Fro-Yo after, it is my cheat day...

Vegeta: Oh, that sounds like fun! Mind if I join?

Vegeta: Maybe we can see a movie too.

Krillin: Sure! That sounds awesome! I've been waiting for--

Krillin: you're being sarcastic, aren't you?

Vegeta: Careful! It's learning.

Yamcha: Ya know, if you're gonna skulk around, you could at least try to not be a total dick about it!

Vegeta: Oh you're right, allow me to try again.

Vegeta: *Ahem*

Vegeta: Hello, Earthling! How's that gaping chest wound?

Yamcha: Just fine!

Yamcha: How's your *spine*?

Vegeta: ...I'm giving you a five minute headstart.

Yamcha: Thank you! I'm going to need it; you're very fast.

Bulma: Where is he? I heard he's here! Where's my baby?!

Panchy: You're holding him, darling!

Bulma: No; the *big* baby!

Panchy: Well, Vegeta's right over there... across from Trunks!

Bulma: Oh, thank God!

Bulma: You okay, sweetie? I heard about everything.

Bulma: Do you need a snack? Maybe a juice box?

Trunks: Mom, I'm eighteen.

Bulma: Oh, right... um...

Bulma: ...stiff drink?

Trunks: *Mom*, *still* eighteen.

Aerobics Instructor: Work your body! Work your body! Make sure you don't hurt nobody!

Oolong: You know there's *actual* porn on the internet, right?

Roshi: Pig, you gotta be able to appreciate the classics.

Roshi: It's what separates the perverts from the connoisseurs...

Aerobics Instructor: ...one-- huh?

Aerobics Instructor: AAAAAAH!

Roshi: AAAAAAH!

Oolong: AAAAAAH!

Aerobics Instructor: Aaaaahhh!

Aerobics Instructor: You have great glutes!

Krillin: Roshi! Change the channel!

Chiaotzu: Oh, wait! I love this movie! Leave it here.

Krillin: Chiaotzu...

Chiaotzu: Fiine, whatever...

News Reporter: And as you can see, every dog has its--

News Reporter: AAAAAAAAAAH--!

News Reporter: (Choking noises)

Perfect Cell: The following contains violence, coarse language and adult situations not suitable for minors.

Perfect Cell: Viewer discretion is advised.

Chiaotzu: Whoa-ho-ho-ho, BRUTAL!

Perfect Cell: Ladies, Gentlemen, boys and girls, and that Technicolor rainbow in-between, I... am Cell.

Perfect Cell: You may remember me from the following cities:

Perfect Cell: Of course, if you lived in those cities, you won't remember, because you are now part of my biomass as I absorbed you.

Perfect Cell: But that's not what I'm here to talk about today.

Perfect Cell: Today...

Perfect Cell: I'm making an *announcement*!

Krillin: Please be leaving the planet forever, please be leaving the planet forever, please be leaving the planet forever!

Perfect Cell: I am leaving the planet forever.

Krillin: WOOHOO!!

Perfect Cell: After I blow it up!

Krillin: OH NO!!

Perfect Cell: Unless...

Krillin: (Wheezes)

Perfect Cell: One of your planet's "champions" can best me in one-on-one combat!

Bulma: ...So Goku, then.

Vegeta: Shut up!

Perfect Cell: I am officially hosting a once-in-your-lifetime event!

Perfect Cell: A tournament so grand, it'll leave you breathless!

Perfect Cell: I hereby dub it: THE CELL GAMES!

Perfect Cell: Be part of the conversation on Twitter at #cellgames.

Yamcha: Aaannd he's already trending.

Perfect Cell: For all of you familiar with your adorable little World Martial Arts Tournament, I'll be borrowing the rules.

Perfect Cell: No brackets this time, however - yours truly will be your only opponent.

Perfect Cell: And much like Vegeta's mother, I will accept all comers.

Vegeta: How dare...

Krillin: ...Why'd you take off your shirt?

Perfect Cell: The location of this marvelous event is 28KS.5.

Perfect Cell: If you don't know where that is, blame the cartographers.

Perfect Cell: The Games will start at noon, one week from today.

Perfect Cell: That should give you plenty of time to prepare!

Perfect Cell: Or for those not participating: Time to connect with loved ones, get your affairs in order, or maybe just kill your boss!

Perfect Cell: Get a PURGE going!

Perfect Cell: Live a little!

Perfect Cell: Because in one week's time...

Perfect Cell: (Chuckle)

Perfect Cell: well, to give you an idea...

Perfect Cell: So, keep THAT in mind, and I'll see you next Sunday.

Perfect Cell: Also, feel free to pray to your god, but, spoilers... I won't be listening.

Krillin: Roshi, what the hell--?!

Roshi: HE SAID ONE WEEK, I'M USIN' IT!!

🎵ringringring, ringringaling🎵

🎵RINGRINGRING, RINGRINGALING🎵

🎵Get your--🎵

Nappa: Hello?

Nappa: Oh yeah, I saw it.

Nappa: I've already got my promo team on it.

Nappa: We'll have you on a plane tomorrow.

Nappa: You just do some push-ups, sit-ups, and pull plenty of buses.

Nappa: ...Champ.

Kaiserneko: Salutations!

Kaiserneko: I'm your kind director and editor, KaiserNeko.

Kaiserneko: Thank you SO much for being patient with this episode.

Kaiserneko: Expect the next one in a MUCH shorter timeframe.

Kaiserneko: In the mean time, check out our gaming channel over on TFS Gaming with "Goku's Gonna Show You: We Happy Few".

Kaiserneko: And for more abridging magic, wander on over to Something Witty's channel, Where they grind and raid for the best comedic loop in Sword Art: Online Abridged.

Kaiserneko: Finally, check out our patreon, and thanks so much to all our current contributors.

Kaiserneko: Without you, none of this would be possible.

Kaiserneko: See you next episode!