Episode 31

Old Man: No! Please! Leave us alone! We were just renting this house! We never meant to--

Family: AAAAGH!!

Garlic Jr.: 'Yes!'

Garlic Jr.: 'Though this rain may wash *these* fools away, the blood that soon shall flow, no storm shall meet the task!'

Garlic Jr.: 'I will cover this world in a darkness so thick and chilly, the only rival shall be the hell in which I have spent all those years.'

Garlic Jr.: 'Brace your brittle selves, you worms!'

Garlic Jr.: 'For I, Garlic Jr., shall soon rule you all!'

Documentary Narrator: In the Great Lakes near Mount Paozu, there was a breed of Paozu tuna clinging at life in its salt water habitat.

Documentary Narrator: Fished near to extinction by the inhabitants, they are slowly making headway back to a sustainable population.

Documentary Narrator: Oh sweet, salty Christ, no.

Krillin: H-hey, Gohan! Goin' fishin'?

Gohan: Yup! With Dad gone, I'm the breadwinner now!

Gohan: What's with the weird clothes, Krillin?

Krillin: Uh, uh, uh! My name is no longer Krillin!

Krillin: My new name... is Juan Sanchez!

Gohan: I'm compelled to ask, "why?"

Krillin: Well, before we left for Namek, I took out a HUGE life insurance policy on myself, and left it all to my twin brother!

Gohan: But you don't have a twi-- wait, your last name's "Sanchez"?

Krillin: And it paid off in triple because I died off-planet!

Krillin: They said, "Don't worry, there's no way you're gonna die out in space."

Krillin: SHOWED THEM!

Gohan: Well, I'm still going to call you Krillin.

Krillin: So, whaddya think of my new ride?

Gohan: Eh, it's a nice car, I guess...

Krillin: Not what I was referring to...

Maron: Juaaaaan~! I broke a nail! Can I have a thousand dollars?

Krillin: You can have TWO!

Krillin: Gohan, I am an excellent boyfriend!

Gohan: Krillin, how did you meet this woman?

Krillin: We met at the bank.

Krillin: I was there picking up my life insurance money, and she was there depositing her money from her night job!

Krillin: I think she's a waitress or something because she was depositing a lot of fives and ones.

Maron: And me and my dear SWEETY LITTLE Chestnut fell deeply, TRULY in love.

Krillin: She says I have a "very rich personality"!

Maron: And a WEALTH of knowledge!

Krillin: And her boobs are as big as my HEAD!

Gohan: I have made the comparison...

Krillin: So! You going to the party tonight?

Gohan: Well, I don't know. Mom wasn't a huge fan of that Walking Dead theme party.

Walking Zed Narrator: Previously on TFS' The Walking Zed...

Piccolo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Gohan: But I think I can make it!

Krillin: See ya later, Gohan!

Maron: Goodbye, Gonad! See you at Master Hoshi's!

Gohan: Eh, say what you want. They're a good couple.

Nail: 'You ever think about buying a house?'

Piccolo: 'Oho yeah! Let me get right on that with all that money I don't have.'

Nail: 'Well, you ever thought about getting a job?'

Piccolo: 'I'm a green slug-man. No amount of affirmative action is going to get me a job.'

Nail: 'If you say so...'

Nail: 'By the way, that old guy's been standing there for, like, fifteen minutes; maybe you should say something.'

Piccolo: 'Ugh, fine.'

Piccolo: What do you want, Kami?

Kami: Mr. Popo's kicked me off the Lookout for the night. Apparently, he has a... "booty call"...

Popo's Bitch: Jynx! Jynx! JYNX!

Mr. Popo: Shut up, bitch, you love it!

Kami: Last time he did this, I found five corpses.

Kami: He laughed when I said "five".

Piccolo: Well, what do you want from me?

Kami: I was hoping I could stay at your house.

Piccolo: I DON'T HAVE A HOUSE!

Nail: 'See? What I'd tell you?'

Piccolo: Shut up, Nail.

Kami: Is someone in there?

Nail: 'Hellooo Kami!'

Piccolo: He can't hear you.

Kami: Actually, I can!

Kami: Hello there! Who are you?

Nail: I'm Nail! I'm a Namekian Piccolo fused with on Namek.

Piccolo: Your *face* is forbidden!

Nail: '...Sadly that WAS the best one up here.'

Piccolo: SHUT IT, NAIL!

Bulma: Soo~, nice of you to bring your new girlfriend here, "Juan".

Yamcha: Yeah, not gonna lie; at first we kind of thought you brought home a hooker.

Bulma: *Yamcha*!

Yamcha: Well, we did!

Krillin: I can assure you that my darling, beautiful Maron is no hooker.

Maron: Well, that depends.

Maron: Sometimes I take extra cash in the back room, but those were always under the table so I don't think they count...?

Yamcha: How much extra?

Maron: How much ya got?

Yamcha: Well I AM a professional Baseball player--

Yamcha: AH!

Bulma: Okay.

Bulma: First off: No one screws Yamcha but life. Second of all: Blue hair? Real original. Third: "Juan", don't you have any *other* friends you can take Maron to meet?

Krillin: Well, we saw Gohan earlier, but he was busy pounding the tuna.

Krillin: What!? With Goku gone, Chi-Chi needs someone to do it!

Roshi: Eh heeh heeah heeeah heh heeeeah...!

Krillin: We also stopped by Korin and Yajirobe's, buuuuut...

Krillin: This brunch *is delicious*, Yajirobe!

Yajirobe: Thank you! I cooked everything myself!

Maron: So, if you two had babies, would they be little fat men? Or kitties?

Krillin: AND WE ARE LEAVING!

Korin: Probably fat kitties.

Krillin: I don't think I'll be taking her back there again.

Everyone: Happy Birthday!

Turtle: Thank you!

Turtle: Thank you all so much for remembering my 1,000th birthday!

Turtle: And for this marvelous cake!

Roshi: Isn't that thing kind of a fire hazard?

Gohan: Well of course, Turtle! You're our very best friend!

Oolong: My birthday was last week and I didn't get a party.

Yamcha: You've been there for us from the very beginning!

Oolong: Anyone remember when I saved the world from Pilaf?

Chi-Chi: Like a member of the family, I say!

Oolong: Seriously, I live upstairs.

Maron: Oh my gosh! Someone got whoever's birthday it is, a turtle!

Maron: Can I have a turtle?

Krillin: Sure!

Maron: Oh! Can it be THIS turtle?

Krillin: Of course!

Turtle: Wait, what?

Krillin: Turtle, be my wingman on this one! If I get some, I swear to God I will send you pictures!

Turtle: Deal!

Roshi: Seriously, maybe we wanna blow this out before something catches on--

Roshi: AH! MY BEARD! MY GLORIOUS BEARD! NOOOO~!

Turtle: Hey, Krillin!

Turtle: Whaddya doin' out here?

Turtle: Why aren't you upstairs sleepin' with your girlfriend like everyone else?

Krillin: Oh, hey, Turtle. I'm just up thinking to myself.

Turtle: What'cha thinkin' about?

Krillin: It's just... I'm not sure if Maron loves me for who I really am.

Krillin: It's all presents, and travelling, and caviar, an--

Turtle: Beluga?

Krillin: No; Paozu tuna.

Turtle: Wow, that's rare!

Krillin: And it's just... I just don't know if she loves Juan, or Juan's money.

Turtle: How much money DO you have?

Krillin: Ehh, about 5.7 million.

Turtle: Didn't you get me a gift card from the Gap?

Krillin: Not what we're talking about!

Turtle: Okay, look - if she really does love you for who you are, then you have to tell her the truth.

Turtle: Open up to her; it's the only way.

Krillin: Are you sure that'll work?

Turtle: Well, if it doesn't, you could always get her a giant pearl.

Turtle: What? Bitch is a gold-digger.

Maron: Okay, first we're going to go by Lush because all their soaps look like cakes and I wanna eat them!

Maron: Oh, and I hope you remembered to make those reservations for L' Anus Serré at 7:30!

Maron: I hear they're VERY uptight.

Krillin: 'Man, can I really go through with this?'

Krillin: 'She seems sooo happyyy...'

Krillin: 'No! No, Krillin! Stop focusing on that perfect, heart-shaped, pillow of an ass!'

Krillin: 'Tonight, you will tell her!'

Krillin: 'And then you will tap that!'

Krillin: 'Pleaaaaaaaaaase tap that...'

Maron: Oh my God, I just love nice walks on the beaches!

Maron: Oh! D'you think if I swim out far enough I'd reach Australia?

Maron: (Gasp)

Maron: Oh my gooood~! Can we go on a Sandals vacation?

Krillin: Listen, Maron...

Krillin: I need to talk to you.

Maron: Oh don't worry, Juan-ton!

Maron: I made the reservations for you, so you don't have to worry about it!

Krillin: Actually, I... need to come clean...

Krillin: See, my name isn't actually "Juan Sanchez"; it's... Krillin.

Maron: That is a silly name!

Maron: (Gasp!)

Maron: I'll call you Krilly-Billy!

Krillin: That's... not... everything.

Krillin: You see... all this money I own is actually from my own life insurance policy.

Krillin: For when I died... on another planet... blown up by an evil space emperor, but was then brought back to life by a magical dragon.

Maron: Uhhhh huh...

Krillin: But what I really want to ask, Maron, is:

Krillin: Do you love me for me? Or do you just love me for my money?

Maron: Ohh, Krilly-Billy! Of course I don't just love you for your money!

Krillin: Y...you really mean that?

Maron: I never loved you at all!

Krillin: Awwwwwwwww...

Krillin: Well can we at least still try the "sex stuff"?

Maron: Noo, Krillin! You don't understand!

Maron: I was never really your girlfriend.

Maron: See, I'm with the States' Fraud Bureau, and you just confessed to *a lot* of insurance fraud. Which I recorded.

Krillin: Wait, you have a recorder on you? Where!?

Maron: In my boobs!

Krillin: Curses! The one place I couldn't reach!

Krillin: ...I'm going to prison, aren't I?

Maron: Well, normally you would, but do you have any idea what they do to guys like you?

Maron: No; you'll just have to pay back everything you owe.

Krillin: Wait, what about all the money I spent on you?

Maron: You'll just have to pay that out of pocket!

Krillin: BUT I DROPPED OVER FIVE-HUNDRED GRAND ON YOU!

Maron: Honey, I work for the Government! I never claimed to be a good person...

Krillin: And that's why I need a place to stay.

Roshi: I'll go blow up the air mattress...

Krillin: I do have to admit though, it's nice being a free man again.

Krillin: No women nipping at my heels... know what I mean?

Chi-Chi: ALRIGHT!

Chi-Chi: I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO HAS BEEN SPREADING RUMORS THAT I HAVE BEEN FORCING GOHAN TO - and I quote - "POUND MY TUNA"!

Krillin: Look, Chi-Chi, if it really upsets you, we'll *all* take turns pounding your tuna, okay?

Krillin: BUT... only if we get to eat it together.

Roshi: ...Heh, heh heh, hah ha! AAAAAAAH HA! AAAH--!

Mr. Popo: (Humming)

Garlic Jr.: (Laughing) The view hasn't changed a bit!

Mr. Popo: Clean that up.

Garlic Jr.: I beg your pardon? Have you any inkling in that simple little head of yours who you're speaking to?

Mr. Popo: Oh please, do go on!

Garlic Jr.: I am the usurper of this once proud throne your worthless guardian holds so dear.

Garlic Jr.: I am Garlic Jr., returned from the wretched abyss known as the "Dead Zone", and I have come for what's rightfully mine!

Garlic Jr.: What's going on? I don't remember releasing the Black Water Mist just ye--

Garlic Jr.: OH GOD!

Garlic Jr.: NO!

Garlic Jr.: NO-- GET IT OFF OF ME!

Garlic Jr.: (Screaming)

Kami: Mr. Popo, I'm back and I-- oh my me, what happened to the Lookout?

Mr. Popo: Oh don't mind this, Kami; I just had a bit of Italian for dinner.

Kami: What does that have to do with--

Mr. Popo: 'Cause it was nothin' but Garlic!