Deadpool VS Cell
6:33 · 133 lines · YouTube
0:02 Cell: ....... I think I'll spare Betty White.
0:04 Deadpool: Did you know that the mitochondria is your powerhouse?
0:06 [Falcon PUNCH!]
0:07 [thud!]
0:08 [splat]
0:10 Cell: Pretty sure I just manslaughtered Spider-Man.
0:12 Deadpool: Jesus, really?
0:14 Deadpool: Gonna drive THAT golden oldie at the start?
0:16 Cell: Hold on, how are you—
0:17 Deadpool: Alive? CELL: Hold on, how are you—
0:18 Deadpool: Ha ha! Mutant, friend-o!
0:20 Deadpool: Well, "mutate" specifically, but whatever!
0:23 Deadpool: Lemme properly introduce myself:
0:24 Deadpool: I'm your deadly neighborhood Deadpool.
0:27 Cell: So you're...
0:27 Cell: So you're... so you're one of those "X-Mans"?
0:29 Deadpool: Ohhhh, no.
0:30 Deadpool: Noooo, no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
0:32 Deadpool: I mean... sure,
0:33 Deadpool: I help them out from time to time, but that's, like...
0:36 Deadpool: when the WORLD'S in danger.
0:38 Cell: Zero to pissed in a moment—my goodness, you have talent.
0:41 Deadpool: Look, this thing isn't called "Cell vs The X-Men", okay?
0:46 Deadpool: It ain't "Cell vs The Avengers", or "Cell vs The Defenders".
0:49 Deadpool: IT'S DEADPOOL.
0:50 Deadpool: IT'S DEADPOOL. VERSUS.
0:51 Deadpool: IT'S DEADPOOL. VERSUS. CELL.
0:52 Deadpool: IT'S DEADPOOL. VERSUS. CELL. Got it?
0:53 Deadpool: I took a pay cut to make that happen!
0:54 Cell: So was your shtick that you're insane, or just
0:57 Cell: "LAWL, I'M SO RANDOM!!!1! XD"
0:58 Deadpool: [chuckling]
0:59 Deadpool: My "shtick" is that I've been contracted to assassinate your thorax!
1:04 Cell: Hmm. The thought of a hired gun never crossed my mind.
1:07 Deadpool: Yup!
1:08 Deadpool: Can't quite give away the identity of my employer, buuuut...
1:37 Deadpool: DEADPOOL [sighing]: Guy drives a hard bargain.
1:40 Deadpool: Also, the pic he gave me?
1:41 Deadpool: [sotto voce] Looks nothing like you.
1:43 Cell: Oh, absolutely not.
1:44 Deadpool: Now, with introductions out of the way,
1:46 Deadpool: [glass shattering] DEADPOOL: Now, with introductions out of the way,
1:47 Deadpool: I'm gonna make you into bug sashimi with these swords!
1:51 Cell: ...swords?
1:52 Cell: Buddy, I've got a boy with lavender hair who can give you a rundown on how poorly that's gonna work out for
1:55 Cell: [shnk!] Buddy, I've got a boy with lavender hair who can give you a rundown on how poorly that's gonna work out for
1:56 Cell: Buddy, I've got a boy with lavender hair who can give you a rundown on how poorly that's gonna work out for
1:56 Cell: where is my arm?
1:58 Cell: [wet sloshing] DEADPOOL: Yoohoo~! ♥
2:00 Cell: I stand corrected!
2:01 Cell: ...also lopsided.
2:02 Deadpool: It's called adamantium, Shelley!
2:04 Deadpool: And it's the sliciest,
2:05 Deadpool: And it's the sliciest, diciest,
2:06 Deadpool: And it's the sliciest, diciest, mutilatiest metal ever made!
2:09 Deadpool: Hey, this is Deadpool with Regis and Kathie Lee!
2:12 Deadpool: That's the name of the swords, and my cats
2:15 Deadpool: who I recently had to put down...
2:16 Deadpool: who I recently had to put down... with these swords!
2:18 Deadpool: [ominous music] Also, they weren't cats but feral raccoons.
2:23 [squish squish]
2:24 [energy blast]
2:25 [thud!]
2:26 Cell: Five...
2:27 Cell: Five... four...
2:28 Cell: Five... four... three...
2:28 Cell: Five... four... three... two...
2:29 Deadpool: Okay! That's fair.
2:31 Deadpool: It's actually not adamantium, it's carbonadium!
2:34 Deadpool: I deserve that.
2:35 Deadpool: [energy blast] GAH!
2:37 Cell: [humming 'Hollaback Girl']
2:41 Deadpool: GOD DAMN IT!
2:42 Deadpool: Now listen here, you overgrown Bad Dragon toy—
2:44 Deadpool: [Captioner's notice: Kids, don't Google that.] Now listen here, you overgrown Bad Dragon toy—
2:45 [energy blast] [guttural groan]
2:46 Cell: Gonna have to clean the ring after this...
2:48 Deadpool: Okay, that's it!
2:50 [bamf!]
2:50 Deadpool: [bamf!] I'm pretty sure I'm losing memories of my childhood now,
2:51 Deadpool: I'm pretty sure I'm losing memories of my childhood now,
2:53 Deadpool: and while I'm more than happy to part with my dear memories of Uncle Mickey and his van,
2:57 Deadpool: I can't risk losing the first time I touched a boob at chess camp!
3:01 Cell: Listen, DP.
3:02 Cell: Can I call you DP?
3:03 Deadpool: [manic giggling]
3:04 Deadpool: You can call me whatever you want while I'm carving you out like a goddamn tauntaun!
3:08 Cell: DP—
3:08 Cell: [snap!] CELL: DP—
3:09 Deadpool: Ah! My tips!
3:10 Cell: I get what you're going for here.
3:11 Cell: I kill you, you don't die, you make jokes, I kill you again, rinse and repeat.
3:16 Cell: It's not even that funny.
3:18 Cell: It's not even that funny. (SEZ YOU.)
3:18 Cell: So how 'bout you take your swords, your guns
3:21 Cell: and your "references" and—
3:22 Deadpool: Ohh, sorry, Shelley, but a job's a job's a job...
3:26 Deadpool: [as Wolverine] ...and I'm the best there is at what I do:
3:29 Deadpool: [normal voice] making Arthur AMVs set to Papa Roach!
3:31 Deadpool: But second to that is killin' dudes,
3:33 Deadpool: and there ain't no way you're gettin' rid of me until I've murder-lized you good—
3:37 Deadpool: WOLVERINE [VO]: Deadpool, come in!
3:38 Deadpool: We have an emergency!
3:40 Deadpool: [nervous chuckle]
3:41 Deadpool: Sorry, uh, I gotta take this. Work's calling. Give me a moment.
3:44 Deadpool: Wolvie, buddy! Best friend! Love of my life! Ha ha ha...
3:49 Deadpool: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
3:50 Deadpool: [ ♪ X-Men: TAS theme song on radio ♫ ] WOLVERINE: We need you back at the mansion.
3:52 Deadpool: [ ♪ X-Men: TAS theme song on radio ♫ ] It's a "Code Phoenix".
3:53 Deadpool: DEADPOOL [over phone]: Wha—AGAIN WITH THIS?!
3:55 Deadpool: [sighing] It's, like, once a month with this chick! Seriously!
3:59 Deadpool: A-at this point, I should make a period joke... but that's below me!
4:03 Deadpool: [giggling over phone]
4:04 Deadpool: "Blow me."
4:05 Deadpool: WOLVERINE [annoyed]: Wade, get here...
4:06 Deadpool: [thunk!] WOLVERINE [annoyed]: Wade, get here...
4:07 Deadpool: WOLVERINE [annoyed]: Wade, get here...
4:07 Deadpool: or the NEXT TIME I SEE YOU, I'LL—!!!
4:09 [Wolverine turns into Yosemite Sam]
4:12 Cell: I'm being very polite here......
4:13 Cell: I'm being very polite to let you have this conversation right now,
4:16 Cell: I'm very pissed at you......
4:17 Deadpool: Okay, okay, hold your Timbits™, LLLOOGAN~
4:21 Deadpool: I'm on my way. And try not to kill her this time, yeah?
4:24 Wolverine: What the fuck did you—?!?
4:24 [static]
4:29 Deadpool: Okay, so... I gotta go take care of some psychic bitch.
4:33 Deadpool: Meantime, try not to kill nobody!
4:36 Deadpool: I mean "anybody". Well, I mean, really...
4:38 Deadpool: I don't give a shit. I was just here to waste time!
4:40 Deadpool: Give me a call later! You can find me on Tinder...
4:43 Deadpool: Give me a call later! You can find me on Tinder... and Grindr.
4:44 Deadpool: Oh, and Yelp!
4:45 Deadpool: [sotto voce] I love Mexican.
4:47 Deadpool: ¡Adios, muchachos!
4:48 Deadpool: [shouting] Give Goku my condolences about Superman!
4:53 Cell: ...no, Betty White's had her time.
4:55 Cell: Wait, is Bea Arthur still alive?
4:57 Cell: I don't think she is.
4:58 Deadpool: SHINK! ONE FOR THE ROAD!
4:59 Cell: [frustrated screaming]
5:00 Cell: I HOPE YOUR SEQUEL BOMBS!
5:02 Deadpool: It won't.
5:02 [Yeah, it very likely won't. XD]
5:04 [♪ DMX - X Gon' Give It To Ya ♫]